Today's Edition
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Recently, the Bunker experienced an outbreak of wanton destruction and chaos at the hands of that vile and dangerously illegal Underground association, Acey Distorted. This clandestine band of rabid hooligans was pinpointed as the source of unfounded rumors that a highly contagious flesh-eating bacteria is on the loose in Y sector. Homemade video posted all over X.net purports to show Mawar Rashid, a lint collector at P&L, with half her face eaten off running into a crowd of innocent bystanders as they queued up outside a metro station. Nothing could be further from the truth. All citizens are expected to behave calmly and rationally. Possession or distribution of falsified video feeds is a crime punishable by fine and medication. There is no reason to avoid Y sector or anyone who has been there. Thank you for your cooperation.
In other news, Epsilon-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, a field organizer in the Housing and Construction conglomerate assigned to H-11 sector, unmasked her supervisor, Epsilon-clearance citizen Yorkle Treadmont, for the heinous criminal he really is. In addition to other crimes, citizen Yorkle has been charged with embezzling credits with the malicious intent to divert them to the black market. Together with Hillary Binzer, a forewoman leading one of Marsha's teams, and at great risk to themselves, these two, brave stalwarts of incorruptibility managed to obtain a plastex ring with an embedded microchip containing the credits in question. Before she could inform Homeland Security, however, the ring was discovered in citizen Marsha's possession, and she was arrested. Fortunately, after a brief interrogation citizen Marsha was able to set the record straight. As a reward for her daring and loyalty, citizen Marsha will assume citizen Yorkle's place in middle management. Citizen Hillary will be promoted to Epsilon clearance and move up to field organizer. Let us take a stretch to congratulate both citizens, Marsha and Hillary. Congratulations, citizens Marsha and Hillary. You serve as an example to us all.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Avatar Technologies, a private firm associated with Procurement, is proud to introduce its latest line of personal protection kits. That's right! The body suits you have come to love and trust have just got more airtight and pleasing to the eye! Our specialized gowns, goggles, masks, and gloves fit together seamlessly, providing you with 200% protection from the outside environment. Not that you'll need it. All surfaces in the Bunker are entirely safe and sanitary. Personal protection kits from Avatar Technologies are stocked from oversupply to Procurement. Wearing one is purely a fashion statement. So come on down to a boutique near you and see what we have to offer. Our prices will just eat your face off!
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Broadcast each daystretch on the tube, it disseminates frank but accessible wisdom from one of our most cherished citizens, the renowned behavioral scientist, Carlton Smickett. This weekstretch we learned some useful eating habits. Exercise before your evening meal, and always pick clean your bowl of fresh, revitalizing Vitamim! We think the words of citizen Carlton himself say it best: “I'm living a happy, fulfilling life, and I think it shows.”
And now for some public service announcements.
Harmin Luckstone's newest hit film, “I Think I Just Vomited In Your Bunghole”, will be released to great fanfare this coming weekstretch everywhere throughout the Bunker. Don't miss citizen Harmin's latest antics! Also, due to a surplus of paperclips, citizens are reminded to fill out all forms on standard issue paper. Electronic submission of most forms on X.net will be disabled until further notice. And don't forget Developmental Engineering will be installing their newest atmospheric safety control system in A sector! Ambient temperatures may temporarily drop by as much as fifty degrees Celsius. Stay calm and rest assured there is nothing to be concerned about. Lastly, due to an infernal buzzing noise somewhere on the electrical grid, a strict quarantine has been put into effect for departments Y-3 through Y-8 and Y-11 through Y-15.
The Color of the Patriot is denim.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Recently, the Bunker experienced an outbreak of wanton destruction and chaos at the hands of that vile and dangerously illegal Underground association, Acey Distorted. This clandestine band of rabid hooligans was pinpointed as the source of unfounded rumors that a highly contagious flesh-eating bacteria is on the loose in Y sector. Homemade video posted all over X.net purports to show Mawar Rashid, a lint collector at P&L, with half her face eaten off running into a crowd of innocent bystanders as they queued up outside a metro station. Nothing could be further from the truth. All citizens are expected to behave calmly and rationally. Possession or distribution of falsified video feeds is a crime punishable by fine and medication. There is no reason to avoid Y sector or anyone who has been there. Thank you for your cooperation.
In other news, Epsilon-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, a field organizer in the Housing and Construction conglomerate assigned to H-11 sector, unmasked her supervisor, Epsilon-clearance citizen Yorkle Treadmont, for the heinous criminal he really is. In addition to other crimes, citizen Yorkle has been charged with embezzling credits with the malicious intent to divert them to the black market. Together with Hillary Binzer, a forewoman leading one of Marsha's teams, and at great risk to themselves, these two, brave stalwarts of incorruptibility managed to obtain a plastex ring with an embedded microchip containing the credits in question. Before she could inform Homeland Security, however, the ring was discovered in citizen Marsha's possession, and she was arrested. Fortunately, after a brief interrogation citizen Marsha was able to set the record straight. As a reward for her daring and loyalty, citizen Marsha will assume citizen Yorkle's place in middle management. Citizen Hillary will be promoted to Epsilon clearance and move up to field organizer. Let us take a stretch to congratulate both citizens, Marsha and Hillary. Congratulations, citizens Marsha and Hillary. You serve as an example to us all.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Avatar Technologies, a private firm associated with Procurement, is proud to introduce its latest line of personal protection kits. That's right! The body suits you have come to love and trust have just got more airtight and pleasing to the eye! Our specialized gowns, goggles, masks, and gloves fit together seamlessly, providing you with 200% protection from the outside environment. Not that you'll need it. All surfaces in the Bunker are entirely safe and sanitary. Personal protection kits from Avatar Technologies are stocked from oversupply to Procurement. Wearing one is purely a fashion statement. So come on down to a boutique near you and see what we have to offer. Our prices will just eat your face off!
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Broadcast each daystretch on the tube, it disseminates frank but accessible wisdom from one of our most cherished citizens, the renowned behavioral scientist, Carlton Smickett. This weekstretch we learned some useful eating habits. Exercise before your evening meal, and always pick clean your bowl of fresh, revitalizing Vitamim! We think the words of citizen Carlton himself say it best: “I'm living a happy, fulfilling life, and I think it shows.”
And now for some public service announcements.
Harmin Luckstone's newest hit film, “I Think I Just Vomited In Your Bunghole”, will be released to great fanfare this coming weekstretch everywhere throughout the Bunker. Don't miss citizen Harmin's latest antics! Also, due to a surplus of paperclips, citizens are reminded to fill out all forms on standard issue paper. Electronic submission of most forms on X.net will be disabled until further notice. And don't forget Developmental Engineering will be installing their newest atmospheric safety control system in A sector! Ambient temperatures may temporarily drop by as much as fifty degrees Celsius. Stay calm and rest assured there is nothing to be concerned about. Lastly, due to an infernal buzzing noise somewhere on the electrical grid, a strict quarantine has been put into effect for departments Y-3 through Y-8 and Y-11 through Y-15.
The Color of the Patriot is denim.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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