Today's Edition
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
For as long as most citizens can remember, the Wellness Pyramid in T-4 sector has been empty, apparently abandoned. Located on the main corridor to the Mystic River Racetrack and Casino, we have all had ample opportunity to ponder its eventual fate. Originally constructed as a combination playground and hazardous waste containment facility, funding for the project mysteriously evaporated when its chief sponsor, Blood In The Corridors Ltd, turned out to be a front for that notorious band of hooligans, Frontal Lobotomy. Although little more than an empty shell filled with row upon row of tiny containment cells, its exterior is a masterpiece of artistic achievement, having been designed in the postregressive style. Everyone seems to agree that it would be a shame to destroy such a fine example of utopian aesthetics. Now, in a surprise development, it would appear new life is being breathed into the structure. Several daystretches ago, a work crew accompanied by a convoy of truckpods was unexpectedly spotted on the premises. The crew's foreman refused to answer questions, citing strict instructions from his supervisors, but the implication was clear. For now, however, what exactly is going on inside the Wellness Pyramid remains a delightful mystery.
In other news, a new planetary orbiter and ballistic missile battery was launched from the Antonin Scalia spaceport in M-3 sector ... [BAD CHECKSUM] ... recovered along with the wreckage. Pathfinders from Procurement have been dispatched ... [DATA TRANSMISSION ERROR] ... Are we live? Yes? They can read what I'm saying? Oh, right. Yeah. Better make this quick. Hey, uh, people. Yo. That's like, “greetings” in Earth talk. That's right. Earth. Don't believe the lies! Earth was the utopia! Yeah, yeah, I know, we don't have much time before they trace us. Listen, people, if you want to know the truth, seek us out on X.net. What? Oh, yeah, we're called The Coven. We're the only link to the past you'll ever find. And we have genuine artifacts from Earth to prove it! ... [REWRITING DATA STREAM] ... Time's up! Hey, don't forget what Barney Max said! You have nothing ... [RECOVERY COMPLETE] ... put a dent in our collective pride, never mind impede the progress of a great and spacefaring people.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Haven't tried Sweeney's Throat Lozenges? Citizen, you have no idea what you're missing! Sweeney's Throat Lozenges are a safe, enjoyable way to satisfy that sweet tooth of yours. They won't unexpectedly expand to the size of a football in your throat like some of our competitors' lozenges. And they last twice as long! With no acidic aftertaste! Set get on down to your local vending machine. Sweeney's Throat Lozenges! What are you waiting for?
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Our neighbors and bunkmates are joyful friends, full of laughter and folksy wisdom. But occasionally, they may unintentionally vex us with loud noises or other seemingly inconsiderate disturbances. We might be tempted to think such behavior is deliberate. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are all human beings, and even in a utopia human beings make innocent mistakes. Before resorting to foul language and rude behavior, try having a kindly word with your neighbor. There's never any reason for fisticuffs or other such nonsense, especially when such incidents lead to an official reprimand or even incarceration. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
All citizens are invited to participate in today's sing-along hosted by Control in all sectors throughout the Bunker! Join in when you hear the Anthem of the Patriot wherever you happen to be. It's fun, patriotic, and mandatory! Also, mobile checkpoints are being set up at various sector exchanges in E, F, and H sectors. Manned by guardians from Defense, they will be requesting to examine your Cards. Please queue up quickly and silently. No more than twenty-five citizens at a time! Thank you for your cooperation.
The Color of the Patriot is effervescent.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
For as long as most citizens can remember, the Wellness Pyramid in T-4 sector has been empty, apparently abandoned. Located on the main corridor to the Mystic River Racetrack and Casino, we have all had ample opportunity to ponder its eventual fate. Originally constructed as a combination playground and hazardous waste containment facility, funding for the project mysteriously evaporated when its chief sponsor, Blood In The Corridors Ltd, turned out to be a front for that notorious band of hooligans, Frontal Lobotomy. Although little more than an empty shell filled with row upon row of tiny containment cells, its exterior is a masterpiece of artistic achievement, having been designed in the postregressive style. Everyone seems to agree that it would be a shame to destroy such a fine example of utopian aesthetics. Now, in a surprise development, it would appear new life is being breathed into the structure. Several daystretches ago, a work crew accompanied by a convoy of truckpods was unexpectedly spotted on the premises. The crew's foreman refused to answer questions, citing strict instructions from his supervisors, but the implication was clear. For now, however, what exactly is going on inside the Wellness Pyramid remains a delightful mystery.
In other news, a new planetary orbiter and ballistic missile battery was launched from the Antonin Scalia spaceport in M-3 sector ... [BAD CHECKSUM] ... recovered along with the wreckage. Pathfinders from Procurement have been dispatched ... [DATA TRANSMISSION ERROR] ... Are we live? Yes? They can read what I'm saying? Oh, right. Yeah. Better make this quick. Hey, uh, people. Yo. That's like, “greetings” in Earth talk. That's right. Earth. Don't believe the lies! Earth was the utopia! Yeah, yeah, I know, we don't have much time before they trace us. Listen, people, if you want to know the truth, seek us out on X.net. What? Oh, yeah, we're called The Coven. We're the only link to the past you'll ever find. And we have genuine artifacts from Earth to prove it! ... [REWRITING DATA STREAM] ... Time's up! Hey, don't forget what Barney Max said! You have nothing ... [RECOVERY COMPLETE] ... put a dent in our collective pride, never mind impede the progress of a great and spacefaring people.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Haven't tried Sweeney's Throat Lozenges? Citizen, you have no idea what you're missing! Sweeney's Throat Lozenges are a safe, enjoyable way to satisfy that sweet tooth of yours. They won't unexpectedly expand to the size of a football in your throat like some of our competitors' lozenges. And they last twice as long! With no acidic aftertaste! Set get on down to your local vending machine. Sweeney's Throat Lozenges! What are you waiting for?
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Our neighbors and bunkmates are joyful friends, full of laughter and folksy wisdom. But occasionally, they may unintentionally vex us with loud noises or other seemingly inconsiderate disturbances. We might be tempted to think such behavior is deliberate. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are all human beings, and even in a utopia human beings make innocent mistakes. Before resorting to foul language and rude behavior, try having a kindly word with your neighbor. There's never any reason for fisticuffs or other such nonsense, especially when such incidents lead to an official reprimand or even incarceration. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
All citizens are invited to participate in today's sing-along hosted by Control in all sectors throughout the Bunker! Join in when you hear the Anthem of the Patriot wherever you happen to be. It's fun, patriotic, and mandatory! Also, mobile checkpoints are being set up at various sector exchanges in E, F, and H sectors. Manned by guardians from Defense, they will be requesting to examine your Cards. Please queue up quickly and silently. No more than twenty-five citizens at a time! Thank you for your cooperation.
The Color of the Patriot is effervescent.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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