Today's Edition
A fun and happy greetings to everyone out there today! This is Marsha Wong.
And I'm Hillary Binzer. You're reading the latest from Your Edition Today!
The terrorist campaign continues unabated. Most recently, power outages in G sector have impacted the extraction of bitumen, an important natural resource used to maintain the Bunker's spaceports. Without this sticky, black substance, spaceships bearing precious water and minerals from the asteroids would have nothing safe to land on.
That's right, Marsha. Never before has the Bunker faced an existential threat of such magnitude. This concerted and organized assault not only affects the production of bitumen but also a host of other basic materials required for the seamless functioning of our economy: copper for our electrical grid, niobium to increase the natural strength of steel, zirconium without which fuel could not be fed to our nuclear reactors – and aluminium, of course, which has so many primary uses it's impossible to enumerate them all!
May I interject, Hillary? There are reports that some people question the presence of bitumen in our production chain at all, claiming that it is actually a form of petroleum and therefore originates from decayed lifeforms. Before you erroneously take stock of these rumors (and set yourself on the sure path to social deviancy), let me remind you that the surfaces of Mars and Venus are infested with huge, carnivorous beasts called dinosaurs. These creatures are the definitive source of all the bitumen.
Thanks for the public service announcement, Marsha. Remember, citizens, dinosaurs attack on sight! You should never want to venture off into the outside. It is a forbidding and dangerous place.
Meanwhile, Beta-clearance citizen Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and tenacious boardroom warrior, continues to defend our precious home against the ascendant tide of evil. Through his efforts alone, scores of terrorist chieftains have landed in Homeland Security's interrogation chambers, confessing their crimes and those of their fellow conspirators to hard-working and dedicated agents. Milfred Roth has acted with a zealous fervor associated only with the Bunker's most cherished patriots. Anyone who says otherwise is a traitor.
As you all know, citizen Milfred Roth is a wily negotiator, capable of pawning off non-voting ordinary shares to dedicated employees and pension funds whilst he and the rest of the management team keep the preferred stock for themselves. Such creative and patriotic maneuvering has naturally earned him thousands of adoring admirers and even his own fan club on X.net! And now, in the Bunker's time of need, Milfred Roth has elected to bring his incredible acumen to bear on the current crisis.
If you're not with us, you're against us, Hillary.
That's right, Marsha.
What is truly remarkable about this particular act of bravery is that Milfred Roth will be operating undercover, risking his life to delve ever deeper into the traitors' nest in a gallant effort to expose its secret inner workings and shut it down once and for all.
Not to mention destroy the criminal masterminds that comprise the engine of depravity and death afflicting us today.
Thanks for interjecting, Hillary. Unfortunately, one of the consequences of this daring new strategy is that Mildred Roth will no longer be able to autograph fan snaps or make any public appearances whatsoever. His many loyal fans will have find other ways to satisfy their hunger for his electrifying and cold-calculating presence.
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today! as soon as we can get it to you.
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And I'm Hillary Binzer. You're reading the latest from Your Edition Today!
The terrorist campaign continues unabated. Most recently, power outages in G sector have impacted the extraction of bitumen, an important natural resource used to maintain the Bunker's spaceports. Without this sticky, black substance, spaceships bearing precious water and minerals from the asteroids would have nothing safe to land on.
That's right, Marsha. Never before has the Bunker faced an existential threat of such magnitude. This concerted and organized assault not only affects the production of bitumen but also a host of other basic materials required for the seamless functioning of our economy: copper for our electrical grid, niobium to increase the natural strength of steel, zirconium without which fuel could not be fed to our nuclear reactors – and aluminium, of course, which has so many primary uses it's impossible to enumerate them all!
May I interject, Hillary? There are reports that some people question the presence of bitumen in our production chain at all, claiming that it is actually a form of petroleum and therefore originates from decayed lifeforms. Before you erroneously take stock of these rumors (and set yourself on the sure path to social deviancy), let me remind you that the surfaces of Mars and Venus are infested with huge, carnivorous beasts called dinosaurs. These creatures are the definitive source of all the bitumen.
Thanks for the public service announcement, Marsha. Remember, citizens, dinosaurs attack on sight! You should never want to venture off into the outside. It is a forbidding and dangerous place.
Meanwhile, Beta-clearance citizen Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and tenacious boardroom warrior, continues to defend our precious home against the ascendant tide of evil. Through his efforts alone, scores of terrorist chieftains have landed in Homeland Security's interrogation chambers, confessing their crimes and those of their fellow conspirators to hard-working and dedicated agents. Milfred Roth has acted with a zealous fervor associated only with the Bunker's most cherished patriots. Anyone who says otherwise is a traitor.
As you all know, citizen Milfred Roth is a wily negotiator, capable of pawning off non-voting ordinary shares to dedicated employees and pension funds whilst he and the rest of the management team keep the preferred stock for themselves. Such creative and patriotic maneuvering has naturally earned him thousands of adoring admirers and even his own fan club on X.net! And now, in the Bunker's time of need, Milfred Roth has elected to bring his incredible acumen to bear on the current crisis.
If you're not with us, you're against us, Hillary.
That's right, Marsha.
What is truly remarkable about this particular act of bravery is that Milfred Roth will be operating undercover, risking his life to delve ever deeper into the traitors' nest in a gallant effort to expose its secret inner workings and shut it down once and for all.
Not to mention destroy the criminal masterminds that comprise the engine of depravity and death afflicting us today.
Thanks for interjecting, Hillary. Unfortunately, one of the consequences of this daring new strategy is that Mildred Roth will no longer be able to autograph fan snaps or make any public appearances whatsoever. His many loyal fans will have find other ways to satisfy their hunger for his electrifying and cold-calculating presence.
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today! as soon as we can get it to you.
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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