Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
TANKPODS RECALLED! Over the last yearstretch, private firms associated with the Recycling and Reclamation division of P&L have been erroneously issuing licenses authorizing the sale of refitted tankpods recently withdrawn from military service. These movepods were sold to ordinary, unsuspecting civilians, oftentimes still equipped with functioning weaponry and battle armor. A rising number of violent and deadly incidents in the transtube has led to a universal recall of these dangerous vehicles. The source of the error has been traced to trojan form 0x50B880AF 'Application for Registration: Amateur Military Hardware Operator'. No such form was ever in fact promulgated by Central Management and should be destroyed if encountered. The actual form 0x50B880AF is titled 'Petition for Permission to Prognosticate'. The creator of the trojan form is as yet unknown but its distribution is certainly the work of traitors. If you are the owner of a tankpod, please go immediately to your friendly neighborhood Homeland Security substation and turn yourself in. Thank you for your cooperation.
MARSHA WONG AND HILLARY BINZER SENTENCED TO HARD LABOR! After a thorough investigation into their treasonous doings – a prolonged and tedious account that stretches back to the start of their careers – justice was finally delivered to these two incorrigible hustlers. On the recommendation of Beta clearance citizen and celebrity manager, Milfred Roth, they were taken to a camp up on the surface where they will remain, digging trenches and sifting through sand, until they are no longer useful. The spirit of mercy and leniency which permeates the Bunker is a gift to us all.
And now a word from our sponsors!
One daystretch soon, the traitors will have been eradicated. But as close as the final victory may be, the hard, cold truth is that the evildoers are still out there. Many of them want to steal your credits, even your identity! Whether the threat is as simple as malware running on your PA or a complex scheme involving body doubles and chloroform, you have to protect yourself from every contingency. IdentiCheck is the perfect solution. A single interview and a brief but probing scan of your PA is all that we require. Our professional advice is guaranteed to protect you from the wiles of social deviants everywhere. Or your money back! IdentiCheck. “The only way to be sure who you really aren't.”
DEAR EDITOR, I am a stenographer. I work in a big office for Central Management. My supervisor dictates the contents of proposed forms to me. I then type them into the terminal and the forms are printed out. I bring the paperwork to my supervisor who dictates his corrections. This process repeats until my supervisor is satisfied with the form. The reason I am writing is that by the end of my daystretch, my workspace is crowded with barrels full of discarded paper. I must then empty these barrels by hand. It would seem to me there's room to improve the process. For example, mounting wheels on the bottom of the barrels would mean I could simply push them to the furnace and dump their contents in one trip rather than having to go back and forth. Am I right? Yours truly, Angela Markowitz, C-13 sector.
DEAR ANGELA, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
TANKPODS RECALLED! Over the last yearstretch, private firms associated with the Recycling and Reclamation division of P&L have been erroneously issuing licenses authorizing the sale of refitted tankpods recently withdrawn from military service. These movepods were sold to ordinary, unsuspecting civilians, oftentimes still equipped with functioning weaponry and battle armor. A rising number of violent and deadly incidents in the transtube has led to a universal recall of these dangerous vehicles. The source of the error has been traced to trojan form 0x50B880AF 'Application for Registration: Amateur Military Hardware Operator'. No such form was ever in fact promulgated by Central Management and should be destroyed if encountered. The actual form 0x50B880AF is titled 'Petition for Permission to Prognosticate'. The creator of the trojan form is as yet unknown but its distribution is certainly the work of traitors. If you are the owner of a tankpod, please go immediately to your friendly neighborhood Homeland Security substation and turn yourself in. Thank you for your cooperation.
MARSHA WONG AND HILLARY BINZER SENTENCED TO HARD LABOR! After a thorough investigation into their treasonous doings – a prolonged and tedious account that stretches back to the start of their careers – justice was finally delivered to these two incorrigible hustlers. On the recommendation of Beta clearance citizen and celebrity manager, Milfred Roth, they were taken to a camp up on the surface where they will remain, digging trenches and sifting through sand, until they are no longer useful. The spirit of mercy and leniency which permeates the Bunker is a gift to us all.
And now a word from our sponsors!
One daystretch soon, the traitors will have been eradicated. But as close as the final victory may be, the hard, cold truth is that the evildoers are still out there. Many of them want to steal your credits, even your identity! Whether the threat is as simple as malware running on your PA or a complex scheme involving body doubles and chloroform, you have to protect yourself from every contingency. IdentiCheck is the perfect solution. A single interview and a brief but probing scan of your PA is all that we require. Our professional advice is guaranteed to protect you from the wiles of social deviants everywhere. Or your money back! IdentiCheck. “The only way to be sure who you really aren't.”
DEAR EDITOR, I am a stenographer. I work in a big office for Central Management. My supervisor dictates the contents of proposed forms to me. I then type them into the terminal and the forms are printed out. I bring the paperwork to my supervisor who dictates his corrections. This process repeats until my supervisor is satisfied with the form. The reason I am writing is that by the end of my daystretch, my workspace is crowded with barrels full of discarded paper. I must then empty these barrels by hand. It would seem to me there's room to improve the process. For example, mounting wheels on the bottom of the barrels would mean I could simply push them to the furnace and dump their contents in one trip rather than having to go back and forth. Am I right? Yours truly, Angela Markowitz, C-13 sector.
DEAR ANGELA, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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