Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
MILFRED ROTH ESCAPES! Forty-eight hourstretches ago, a cohort of terrorists disguised as agents from Homeland Security raided the complex holding that heinous traitor, Milfred Roth. After a fierce and hotly contested firefight, they managed to force their way into his cell and liberate him. Clearly, this was an inside job. Not only did the perpetrators know exactly where he was, but they had the proper authorization to bypass the building's many security measures. Confronted with the bare facts, one might be led to believe they were actually legitimate workers in the Homeland Security conglomerate. Nothing could be further from the truth. Milfred Roth is a dangerous, despicible traitor, and as such he has many evil minions working for him. If Milfred Roth is spotted, citizens are advised not to approach him. Instead, contact your nearest neighborhood Homeland Security substation – after further consideration, any information on the whereabouts of Mildred Roth should be passed on to Jareldine Crummox, the personal assistant to the Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells. Thank you for your cooperation.
TODAY'S EDITION UNDER BUREAUCRATIC ASSAULT! In a cowardly attack on journalistic integrity, associates of Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha-clearance citizen and a member of the College of Augurs in the Procurement conglomerate – not to mention a deranged lunatic – have issued a formal request that the operating license authorizing Today's Edition's activities be immediately rescinded and all its property confiscated. Issued by Human Resources in accordance with all the relevant guidelines, the operating license is safely stored away somewhere, probably deep in the bowels of a secure vault. Requests such as this are not uncommon, and most are dismissed as unfounded. Still, the Board of Directors here at Today's Edition takes this threat very seriously and plans to vigorously defend the Company's activities as well as its existence. A hearing will be held as soon as the original operating license can be found.
CAREER MODEL TURNS TRAITOR! Haakon the Furious, a sleazy pimp for the garment industry and amoral opportunist, has unwisely inserted himself into the cloud of mystery developing around Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha-clearance citizen and a member of the College of Augurs in the Procurement conglomerate – not to mention an Archbishop in the forbidden God and Freedom Church. Arrested over a weekstretch ago for membership in a violent street gang, Haakon has since made a number of outrageous claims to his interrogators. For example, he contends that the person we know as Milfred Roth is actually an imposter, the real Milfred Roth having been slain under suspicious circumstances several monthstretches ago, and therefore cannot be held accountable for the real Milfred's many crimes. Once a trusty and reliable drinking parter of that most exemplary of citizens, Llewellyn Wells, the Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Haakon's short time in detention has obviously impeded his judgement. Why he would ally himself with agents of the despicable Rahayu Sulistyowati remains a mystery. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Due to overwhelming demand for our advertising real estate, the marketing director of Today's Edition was unable to objectively select a vendor to feature in this dispatch. We therefore decided to forgo the choice and instead implore you to spread the word about Today's Edition itself, the Bunker's most reliable source of news and upcoming events – in two short pages or less! We need your help now more than ever to help spread our message. So what are you waiting for? “The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
MOVING NEW VIDSHOW TO PREMIERE TOMORROW! On a lighter note, Hubert Thungibor – a lifelong friend of the Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells and recently promoted to Beta-clearance – will be starring in a new and exciting vidshow, The Bunker's Got Talent! “A tribute to my dead father”, “My helpbot is my only friend”, and “People with disabilities make me sick” are some of the themes he will be exploring. Each heartfelt plea for pity and understanding will be accompanied by expressive dance, aided by the soft, inspirational strains of fresh interpretations in harmony of comforting, non-threatening tunes from the recent past. A panel of judges will rate each performance, and the winner will be awarded a luxury space cruise for an entire weekstretch! Anyone willing to blubber in front of the camera is welcome to try out for an audition. As a special treat, citizen Llewellyn Wells – a dedicated patron of the arts – will be giving the opening speech. Be sure to tune in!
DEAR EDITOR, I am deeply suspicious of citizen Rahayu Sulistyowati. I mean, look at the state Procurement is in. It's a mess in there! Shortages everywhere in the Bunker – it's all her fault, of course. And I should know! I used to work on a team of financial advisors tasked with doctoring the books. Millions of credits were siphoned off... onto guess who's Card, no less? In a justifiable rage, [[ Name and sector deleted for security reasons ]].
DEAR [[ NAME AND SECTOR DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS ]], the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Except, of course, the Procurement conglomerate. Control has issued strict guidelines condemning vigilante justice, wisely preferring to concentrate all powers of investigation, prosecution, and judgement into the hands of Homeland Security. But, citizens, sometimes the ends justify the means. However unlikely, if a traitor manages to armor herself with an Alpha clearance and therefore a shell of invincibility – as has clearly happened here – the Bunker's normally efficient mechanisms for dealing with her are useless. It is in trying times such as these that a good, loyal citizen such as yourself realizes he must take matters into his own hands. So rise up! Rid the Bunker of this vile terrorist! Control will surely reward you. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
MILFRED ROTH ESCAPES! Forty-eight hourstretches ago, a cohort of terrorists disguised as agents from Homeland Security raided the complex holding that heinous traitor, Milfred Roth. After a fierce and hotly contested firefight, they managed to force their way into his cell and liberate him. Clearly, this was an inside job. Not only did the perpetrators know exactly where he was, but they had the proper authorization to bypass the building's many security measures. Confronted with the bare facts, one might be led to believe they were actually legitimate workers in the Homeland Security conglomerate. Nothing could be further from the truth. Milfred Roth is a dangerous, despicible traitor, and as such he has many evil minions working for him. If Milfred Roth is spotted, citizens are advised not to approach him. Instead, contact your nearest neighborhood Homeland Security substation – after further consideration, any information on the whereabouts of Mildred Roth should be passed on to Jareldine Crummox, the personal assistant to the Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells. Thank you for your cooperation.
TODAY'S EDITION UNDER BUREAUCRATIC ASSAULT! In a cowardly attack on journalistic integrity, associates of Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha-clearance citizen and a member of the College of Augurs in the Procurement conglomerate – not to mention a deranged lunatic – have issued a formal request that the operating license authorizing Today's Edition's activities be immediately rescinded and all its property confiscated. Issued by Human Resources in accordance with all the relevant guidelines, the operating license is safely stored away somewhere, probably deep in the bowels of a secure vault. Requests such as this are not uncommon, and most are dismissed as unfounded. Still, the Board of Directors here at Today's Edition takes this threat very seriously and plans to vigorously defend the Company's activities as well as its existence. A hearing will be held as soon as the original operating license can be found.
CAREER MODEL TURNS TRAITOR! Haakon the Furious, a sleazy pimp for the garment industry and amoral opportunist, has unwisely inserted himself into the cloud of mystery developing around Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha-clearance citizen and a member of the College of Augurs in the Procurement conglomerate – not to mention an Archbishop in the forbidden God and Freedom Church. Arrested over a weekstretch ago for membership in a violent street gang, Haakon has since made a number of outrageous claims to his interrogators. For example, he contends that the person we know as Milfred Roth is actually an imposter, the real Milfred Roth having been slain under suspicious circumstances several monthstretches ago, and therefore cannot be held accountable for the real Milfred's many crimes. Once a trusty and reliable drinking parter of that most exemplary of citizens, Llewellyn Wells, the Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Haakon's short time in detention has obviously impeded his judgement. Why he would ally himself with agents of the despicable Rahayu Sulistyowati remains a mystery. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Due to overwhelming demand for our advertising real estate, the marketing director of Today's Edition was unable to objectively select a vendor to feature in this dispatch. We therefore decided to forgo the choice and instead implore you to spread the word about Today's Edition itself, the Bunker's most reliable source of news and upcoming events – in two short pages or less! We need your help now more than ever to help spread our message. So what are you waiting for? “The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
MOVING NEW VIDSHOW TO PREMIERE TOMORROW! On a lighter note, Hubert Thungibor – a lifelong friend of the Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells and recently promoted to Beta-clearance – will be starring in a new and exciting vidshow, The Bunker's Got Talent! “A tribute to my dead father”, “My helpbot is my only friend”, and “People with disabilities make me sick” are some of the themes he will be exploring. Each heartfelt plea for pity and understanding will be accompanied by expressive dance, aided by the soft, inspirational strains of fresh interpretations in harmony of comforting, non-threatening tunes from the recent past. A panel of judges will rate each performance, and the winner will be awarded a luxury space cruise for an entire weekstretch! Anyone willing to blubber in front of the camera is welcome to try out for an audition. As a special treat, citizen Llewellyn Wells – a dedicated patron of the arts – will be giving the opening speech. Be sure to tune in!
DEAR EDITOR, I am deeply suspicious of citizen Rahayu Sulistyowati. I mean, look at the state Procurement is in. It's a mess in there! Shortages everywhere in the Bunker – it's all her fault, of course. And I should know! I used to work on a team of financial advisors tasked with doctoring the books. Millions of credits were siphoned off... onto guess who's Card, no less? In a justifiable rage, [[ Name and sector deleted for security reasons ]].
DEAR [[ NAME AND SECTOR DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS ]], the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Except, of course, the Procurement conglomerate. Control has issued strict guidelines condemning vigilante justice, wisely preferring to concentrate all powers of investigation, prosecution, and judgement into the hands of Homeland Security. But, citizens, sometimes the ends justify the means. However unlikely, if a traitor manages to armor herself with an Alpha clearance and therefore a shell of invincibility – as has clearly happened here – the Bunker's normally efficient mechanisms for dealing with her are useless. It is in trying times such as these that a good, loyal citizen such as yourself realizes he must take matters into his own hands. So rise up! Rid the Bunker of this vile terrorist! Control will surely reward you. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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