Dark Comedy Quotes

“This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.”
― Erin Mitchell

“[On Dr. Strangelove]: My idea of doing it as a nightmare comedy came in the early weeks of working on the screenplay. [...] What could be more absurd than the very idea of two mega powers willing to wipe out all human life because of an accident, spiced up by political differences that will seem as meaningless to people a hundred years from now as the theological conflicts of the Middle Ages appear to us today?”
― Stanley Kubrick

“God help us, God help all of us, each one, every one, all of us'. Patrick Hamilton at the concusion of 'The Slaves of Solitude'.”
― Patrick Hamilton

“In Chestnut Hill money didn't talk, but it drank, and played a lot of golf.”
― Alistair McHarg, Moonlit Tours

“This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. (Dark City Lights)”
― Erin Mitchell

“Monsters, show me the monsters: these people out on the street.

My people.”
― José Eduardo Agualusa, A General Theory of Oblivion

“He had no idea that people thought he was clowning. It was Fate, of course, which had costumed him--Fate, and a feeble will to survive.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse 5: The Children's Crusade A Duty-Dance With Death

“The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)”
― Warren Moore

“Go make me another pea-butter, witch-of-the-sands!”
― Joe Vallen, Unkillable Joe

“But what are we going to do?" Colonel Cathcart exclaimed with distress. "The others are all waiting outside."
"Why don't we give him a medal?" Colonel Korn proposed.
"For going around twice? What can we give him a medal for?"
"For goung around twice," Colonel Korn answered with a reflective, self-satisfied smile. "After all, I suppose it did take a lot of courage to go over the target a second time with no other planes around to divert the antiaircraft fire. And he did hit the bridge. You know, that might be the answer—to act boastfully about something we ought to be ashamed of. That's a trick that never seems to fail.”
― Joseph Heller, Catch-22

“There are more ways of killing a cat than by choking it with cream," he quoted, "but I'm not sure," he added, "that it's not the best way.”
― Saki (H.H. Munro)

“The image of May shoving the gun down her lace panty butt crack and drawing it like an old west cowboy is too much. Who are we? Who the fuck are we? Supergirls for real, that’s who.”
― Mav Skye, Behind the Black Door

“I snipped the cherries but left the banana.” She gave him a knowing look.
“God,” said Sir Sun.
“No, not God. Me. I did it.” She pointed at herself.”
― Mav Skye, Wanted: Single Rose

“These thoughts only scare me because I'm not afraid of them. I don't want to die. I don't want to kill myself. But I'm not afraid of it.”
― Josh Nealis, Stuffed Squirrels & Porcelain Angels

“What’s that supposed to mean, ‘a passin’ hunger?’ I ATE my fuckin’ girlfriend! An’ we ain’t talkin’ little fuckin’ love bites or a bit of a chew—I went wild kingdom on her ass! It was like a pig pickin’ after fuckin’ Lent-FUCK!”
― E.V. Iverson

“You know that jerk that drives up the shoulder on the freeway, passing perhaps miles of cars stuck patiently in traffic, just knowing someone up there, eventually, will let him in?
It’s the same thing!
Someone always accommodates the pushy, petulant jerk!
Someone always lets that guy with the silver Porsche Boxster in and the rest of us, stuck behind the guy letting him in, have to suffer.
It’s the same with people all over.
It only takes one sucker. One push-over to mess it up for the rest of us.”
― Logan Ryan Smith, Y is for Fidelity

“Extinguish even the wee annoyance, as it will grow to become evil!”
― Michael Bussa

“If anyone at my funeral says 'it's what he would have wanted', I'll kick the lid off my coffin and throttle them. Or, if I've been cremated, I'll flip the lid off the urn and become a dust storm in their eyes. Only you know what you truly want. Anything else is presumption skewed through personal agendas.”
― Stewart Stafford

“Alex tossed the towel onto the counter. “Part on the left or right?” he said. “No middle parts though. Only future serial killer victims part their hair in the middle.”
― Ian Kirkpatrick, Dead End Drive

“A man had left a Czech village to seek his fortune. Twenty-five years later, and now rich, he had returned with a wife and a child. His mother was running a hotel with his sister in the village where he'd been born. In order to surprise them, he had left his wife and child at another hotel and gone to see his mother, who didn't recognize him when he walked in. As a joke, he'd had the idea of taking a room. He had shown off his money. During the night his mother and his sister had beaten him to death with a hammer in order to rob him and had thrown his body in the river. The next morning the wife had come to the hotel and, without knowing it, gave away the traveller's identity. The mother hanged herself. The sister threw herself down a well. I must have read that story a thousand times. On the one hand, it wasn't very likely. On the other, it was perfectly natural. Anyway, I thought the traveller pretty much deserved what he got and that you should never play games.”
― Albert Camus, The Stranger

“Sorry,” Napoleon says, “I don’t know if I should be trying to keep you talking or not. Every movie I’ve seen where the guy’s bleeding out, his buddy’s trying to keep him awake until backup arrives and that’s pretty much the extent of my understanding of these situations.”
― Joe Harrison, The Unpaid Internship

“The truth is that her entire job consisted of caring for others. And while she enjoyed her work for the most part, occasionally, it did get to be a bit too much. The disease, the despair, the demands of both patients and families alike. So to keep herself sane, now and then, she’d inconvenience someone. Never on anything life or death, of course. And never other staff; shitting where she ate held absolutely no appeal to her whatsoever. However, from time to time, she’d been known to drop hints about perfectly functioning elevators being out of order and the cafeteria being closed several hours before it was. Just fun, quirky things.”
― Joe Harrison, The Unpaid Internship

“She had a conversation with a man with a beard, and youre saying she hangs around graveyards at night and bags off with the undead?”
― Bella Bathurst, Special

“A violinist played Vivaldi in an irregular 7/8. Something Balkan and horrid. He played like he’d forgotten the melody but remembered the grief.”
― Ako Bégaard

“Death is inevitable for everyone. But no one should get a terrible death like this. No praising of the Prophet, no salutation - Fire Rain”
― Banu Mushtaq

“Their car was parked elegantly in front of the club. A short line of extravagantly dressed people awaited entry. The door wasn’t automatic; instead, two imposing security guards—either naturally large or enhanced—were checking guests. The guards sported sharp suits and ties, creating a stark contrast to the partygoers, which included Robin Hood, Piglet, and a trio named Jerk, Douche, and Bugsy. It's unclear how one dresses as a jerk or a douche, but somehow they managed. A man also stood patiently in line, clad only in a diaper, presumably for hygiene reasons.”
― Tamás Szikszai, The Planet That Was Mistaken for a Fool