Black Humour Quotes

“Remember! No questions. Follow my commands. There are reasons that will escape your human mind’s capacity. Just have faith. Don’t ask questions, don’t think for yourself, just have faith and do everything we tell you to do.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“She was knitting a sweater and enjoying the calm atmosphere of her living room when her chubby, beer-drinking, sports-watching husband woke from a nap on the couch screaming, “Touchdown!” At the moment her serenity had been broken, she unconsciously reacted by swinging around and plunging a knitting needle into her husband’s throat. While blood squirted from his throat and his shocked face produced gurgling sounds, she lifted from her chair and drove the other knitting needle into his beer-ballooned stomach over and over again. Blood and beer gushed out of his belly like a punctured fish tank. As her husband gurgled and deflated, she stared down at him with a beaming smile. She had found her new hobby—annihilating assholes. She had cut up her husband into nice little pieces and used him as fertilizer for her backyard garden. Never again did her cozy house get raped by blaring sounds of sports emanating from a television set. The TV went into the garbage and the living room was converted into a tea room.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Until you accept that you’ll never get your problem fixed, whatever it is, you’ll be endlessly transferred from department to department until our call center closes. Sometimes you’ll be left on hold even after everyone at the call center has left for the day. Until you get exhausted with our run-around service and give up all hope, you’ll be stuck in The Circle Jerk. Right now, this very minute, you’re in The Circle Jerk, sir. Do you wish to continue circling or are you going to hang up your phone and go watch TV?”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“He hoped one of NASA’s defunct satellites would enter a decaying orbit, somehow not burn up in the atmosphere, and crash into the call center that had just kept him prisoner on the phone for several hours. He imagined all those lunatics at the call center spouting off scripted phrases and empty-headed impromptu dialogue right before being incinerated in an exploding fiery ball.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“He'd always liked women who'd talk back to him just a little bit. "Girls with balls" were good. Women with an actual mind of their own who could prove him wrong in something were, of course, castrating bitches who should be drowned in bottomless wells.”
― Warren Ellis, Crooked Little Vein

“The jogger came upon them after the tragedy occurred and witnessed Raymond preparing to take off on his bike while Howard lay facedown on the ground with a metal spike through his head.
When the cops arrived at the scene and questioned Raymond, he told them, “I don’t know … he like fell on it, or something. I was just riding my bike to the grocery store when I passed him on the trail. He was walking on the path while I was biking by. He saw me and said hello and then he fell face-first on a spike. I was like, ‘Dude, does that hurt?’ but he didn’t reply or move.” When the cops asked him why he was trying to flee the scene, he said, “I was going to get help on my bike. Maybe doctors could, like, unspike his head or something, like, I don’t know.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“The title of the café suggested its New Age influence, but he had no idea the place would be littered with spiritual knickknacks and completely brimming with wishy-washy clientele sporting tie-dye shirts and earthy-colored, grungy pants. Dale gritted his teeth and painfully examined the place, taking in all its awfulness. The atmosphere alone felt like it was soiling his impeccable suit.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“What a magnificent body, how I should like to see it on the dissecting table.”
― Ivan Turgenev, Fathers and Sons

“You think that drinking with a serial killer takes you into the midnight currents of the culture? I say bullshit. There's been twelve TV documentaries, three movies and eight books about me. I'm more popular than any of these designed-by-pedophile pop moppets littering the music television and the gossip columns. I've killed more people than Paris Hilton has desemenated, I was famous before she was here and I'll be famous after she's gone. I am the mainstream. I am, in fact, the only true rock star of the modern age. Every newspaper in America never fails to report on my comeback tours, and I get excellent reviews.”
― Warren Ellis, Crooked Little Vein

“I should have learned mindfulness, and it’s too late now because it’s no good learning it when you’re already in crisis: you have to start when things are good. But only the very, very oddest would think, Hey, my life is perfect. I know! I’ll sit and waste twenty minutes Observing My Thoughts without Judgement.”
― Marian Keyes, The Break

“Yes, but- oh, sweetheart! - it wasn't only like that I would have come back to you sooner or later. From the first instant I saw you I knew..."

Spade said tenderly: "You angel! Well, if you get a good break you will be out of San Quentin in twenty years and you can come back to me then.”
― Dashiell Hammett, The Maltese Falcon

“Lamb stood, gazed at the nearest tree as if in sudden awe of nature, lifted a heel from the ground and farted.

"Sign of a good curry," he said, "Sometimes they just bubble about inside you for ages."

"I keep meaning to ask why you have never married," River said.”
― Mick Herron, Dead Lions

“Moral writing is boring.”
― Johan van Wyk

“Religion and nationalism? I defecate on the altar of religious conviction, and wipe my arse on the flag of national pride.”
― Ian Martin, Pop-Splat

“My sister’s partner leaves the room at some point and strides down the wide hallway to inspect the elevator my mother takes to the lobby every morning to buy her newspapers and flowers. My sister’s partner is a handy person and wishes to inspect the elevator doors to see if there’s any way to rig them to open onto a void when my mother pushes the button.”
― Vicki Laveau-Harvie, The Erratics

“You should never refer to the clients as targets; you don’t want to get confused at the wrong moment.”
― Martha Wells, Rogue Protocol

“No one gets out of this world alive...except astronauts.”
― Stewart Stafford

“Today's cheerful note: The atomic bomb can't kill you more times than you're already going to die already.”
― The Index-Journal

“Near misses are where you're nearly killed, near missus are where you're nearly married - some would argue they're the same thing.”
― Stewart Stafford

“And Hopkins, seeing that Tisdall was unaware of Grant’s identity, rushed in with glad maliciousness. “That is Scotland Yard,” he said. “Inspector Grant. Never had an unsolved crime to his name.” “I hope you write my obituary,” Grant said. “I hope I do!” the journalist said, with fervor.”
― Josephine Tey, A Shilling for Candles

“... Melissa better not turn her back on her because nothing sums up crazy as much as a fat woman in love.”
― Paul Cleave, Joe Victim

“By running a couple of red lights and overtaking cars in the oncoming traffic lane, Declan was able to make it to the Gooding Drive roundabout in record time. He knew for a fact there was no surer way of getting a girl in the mood for hanky-panky than proving one’s manliness through motoring prowess.”
― Cameron Trost, The Animal Inside: A Collection of Strange Tales

“As far as I am concerned a carer who gives herself airs because she washes out pus-soaked bandages is no better than an overdressed airhead flaunting her bling”
― Alexandr Snegirev

“If anyone at my funeral says 'it's what he would have wanted', I'll kick the lid off my coffin and throttle them. Or, if I've been cremated, I'll flip the lid off the urn and become a dust storm in their eyes. Only you know what you truly want. Anything else is presumption skewed through personal agendas.”
― Stewart Stafford

“A że to już nie obóz, w którym pogrzeb odbywał się w krematorium, więc trzeba urządzić pogrzeb wolnościowy, z trumną, księdzem i innymi czarami w tym rodzaju.”
― Stanisław Grzesiuk, Klawo, jadziem!

“Tuttavia oggi ho altro a cui pensare e la preoccupazione mi rende piuttosto apatico. Mi fosse toccato in sorte il narcisismo avrei vissuto benissimo, invece pare che debba provare pena per gli altri, anche se non mi piacciono. Mai una gioia.”
― Giulia Reverberi, Zombie Friendly: Ci si vede all'inferno

“Life is a long agonised illness only curable by death”
― Spike Milligan

“It’s a shame the personalities of black girls cannot be transferred into the bodies of white girls.”
― Jack Freestone

“We have orphans, I know," pursued Mr Milvey, quite with the air as if he might have added, "in stock," and quite as anxiously as if there were great competition in the business and he were afraid of losing an order, "over at the clay-pits; but they are employed by relations or friends, and I am afraid it would come at last to a transaction in the way of barter.”
― Charles Dickens, Our Mutual Friend

“Returning to the dining-room, and pausing for an instant behind the screen at the door, Eugene overhears, above the hum and clatter, the fair Tippins saying: "I am dying to ask him what he was called out for!"

"Are you?" mutters Eugene, "then perhaps if you can't ask him, you'll die. So I'll be a benefactor to society, and go.”
― Charles Dickens, Our Mutual Friend