Grandma Mazur Quotes

“Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?"
It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army."
I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant."
My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.
My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.
That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life."
I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile.”
― Janet Evanovich, Three to Get Deadly

“The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled.
Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.”
― Janet Evanovich, Hot Six

“If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!”
― Janet Evanovich

“Grandma was wearing a blond Marilyn Monroe wig, a hot pink tank top, black Pilates pants, and black kitten heels. She looked like the senior version of an inflatable sex toy doll that needed more air.”
― Janet Evanovich, Notorious Nineteen

“When Grandma Mazur is talking about the reason for the improved play of her 91-year-old bowling teammate, she said:
"She's doing better now that we got her the longer tubing to her oxygen tank.”
― Janet Evanovich, Explosive Eighteen

“You sure you don't want to go?” Grandma Mazur asked my mother.
“I didn't know Moogey Bues,” my mother told her. “I've got better things to do than to go to a viewing of a perfect stranger.”
“I wouldn't go either,” Grandma Mazur said, “but I'm helping Stephanie with this here manhunt. Maybe Kenny Mancuso will show up, and Stephanie will need some extra muscle. I was watching Television, and I saw how you stick your fingers in a person's eyes to slow them down.”
“She's your responsibility,” my mother said to me. “She sticks her fingers in anybody's eyes I'm holding you accountable.”
― Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough

“Grandma has a .45 long barrel that she keeps hidden from my mother. She got it from her friend Elsie, who picked it up at a yard sale. Probably it was in Grandma's purse. Grandma says it gives the bag some heft, in case she has to beat off a mugger. This might be true, but I think mostly Grandma likes pretending she is Clint Eastwood.”
― Janet Evanovich, Hot Six

“Damn, I thought everyone carried a gun in New Jersey!!!”
― Janet Evanovich

“That shooting gave me an appetite," she said. "Somebody pass
me the potatoes."

Grandma Mazur”
― Janet Evanovich

“I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get dogs pregnant.” -Grandma Mazur”
― Janet Evanovich, Three to Get Deadly

“Will you look at this," Grandma said. "Closed casket. Isn't this a fine howdy-do. I get dressed up and come out to pay my respects, and I don't even get to see anything."

Martha Deeter was shot and autopsied. They'd taken her brain out to get weighed. After she was put back together she probably looked like Frankenstein. I was personally relieved to see a closed casket.”
― Janet Evanovich, High Five

“I went to the beauty salon today and got spruced up," Grandma said. "Ever since Mildred Frick called me a slut my phone hasn't stopped ringing. I got two dates for the weekend."

"It might not be such a good thing to have men calling you because they think you're a slut," I said. "They're only going to be after one thing."

"I hope that's true. I don't want to find out I went blond and bought all them thongs for nothing.”
― Janet Evanovich, Takedown Twenty

“Grandma Mazur reads the obituary columns like they're part of the paper's entertainment section. Other communities have country clubs and fraternal orders. The Burg has funeral parlors. If people stopped dying, the social life of the Burg would come to a grinding halt.”
― Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough

“We better hurry," Grandma said. "I don't want to be late for the viewing. I want to get a good seat right up front, and there'll probably be a crowd, being that the deceased was shot. You know how some people are nosy about that sort of thing."

There was silence at the table, no one daring to make a comment.

"Well, I guess I might be a little nosy," Grandma finally said.”
― Janet Evanovich, High Five