Stephanie Plum Quotes

“Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different. --Stephanie Plum”
― Janet Evanovich, Seven Up

“I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum”
― Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough

“Lula had Eminem cranked up. He was rapping about trailer park girls and how they go round the outside, and I was wondering what the heck that meant. I'm a white girl from Trenton. I don't know these things. I need a rap
cheat sheet.”
― Janet Evanovich, To the Nines

“I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want?”
― Janet Evanovich, One for the Money

“When I was six years old I sprinkled sugar on my head, convinced myself it was pixie dust, wished myself invisible, and walked into the boys' bathroom at school.”
― Janet Evanovich, Lean Mean Thirteen

“Ranger was grinning. "Somebody beat the shit out of this guy before he got shot."
"That would be me."I said.
"Babe,"Ranger said, the grin widening.”
― Janet Evanovich, To the Nines

“My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn."
"She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action."

-Ranger and Stephanie”
― Janet Evanovich, To the Nines

“Why do you give me cars?"
"It's fun," Ranger said."And it keeps you safe. Do you want to know why keeping you safe is important to me?"
"You love me?"
"Yes."
A sigh inadvertently escaped. "We're really screwed up, aren't we?"
"In a very large way," Ranger said.”
― Janet Evanovich, Sizzling Sixteen

“Yeah. Almost as surprising as when you nailed me with your father's car."

In the interest of avoiding confrontation, I felt compelled to explain. I didn't feel obliged to do it convincingly. "It was an accident. My foot slipped."

"That was no accident. You jumped the goddamn curb and followed me down the sidewalk.”
― Janet Evanovich, One for the Money

“Last time you called me late at night you were naked and chained to your shower curtain rod. I hope this isn't going to be disappointing.”
― Janet Evanovich, High Five

“You deserved to get run over. And besides, I barely tapped you. The only reason you broke your leg was because you panicked and tripped over your own feet.”
― Janet Evanovich, One for the Money

“From the look on your face, I'd say you know him."

I nodded. "Sold him a cannoli when I was in high school."

Connie grunted. "Honey, half of all the women in New Jersey have sold him their cannoli”
― Janet Evanovich, One for the Money

“Do you see that man in the black Porsche?" I asked the women.
They squinted out at Ranger. "Yes," they said."Your partner."
"He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room."
Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. "We could use the income."She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. "Is he married?"
"Nope. He's single. He's a real catch."
Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. "Thank you for everything." Mrs.Apusenja said. "I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.:
"Omigod," Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. "Ranger's going to kill you." The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly.
"Uh-Oh,"Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. "Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down!" Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. "Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car."....
He leaned into me and his lips brushed the shell of my ear. "Feeling playful?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Watch your back babe. I will get even."

-Ranger and Stephanie”
― Janet Evanovich, To the Nines

“Stephanie Plum,"I almost never shoot anyone.”
― Janet Evanovich

“Next time I fall in love it's going to be with someone who isn't an expert in fibbing."
"You're in love with me?"
"You didn't know that?"
"I did, but it's nice to hear."
"Scares the hell out of me.”
― Janet Evanovich, Smokin' Seventeen

“[Stephanie] "This won't be so bad," I said to her, making an effort at convincing myself. "How about your blanket? We could wrap him up in the blanket. Then we could pick him up without actually touching him."

"I suppose that'd be all right," Lula said. "We could give it a try"

I spread the blanket on the ground beside Elliot Harp, took a deep breath, hooked my fingers around his belt and rolled him onto the blanket. I jumped back, squeezed my eyes closed tight and exhaled. No matter how much violent death I saw, I would never get used to it. "I'm gonna definitely have the runs," Lula said. "I can feel it coming on."

"Forget about the runs and help me with this body!" Lula grabbed hold of the head end of the blanket, and I grabbed hold of the foot end. Harp had full rigor and wouldn't bend, so we put him in the trunk headfirst with his legs sticking out. We carefully closed the lid on Harp's knees and secured the lid with a piece of rope Lula had in her trunk.

"Hold on," Lula said, pulling a red flowered scarf from her coat pocket, tying the scarf on Harp's foot like a flag. "Don't want to get a ticket. I hear the police are real picky about having things sticking out of your trunk."

Especially dead guys.”
― Janet Evanovich, Three to Get Deadly

“You've been busy using your breaking and entering skills," I said.
"I just enter. I don't usually break."
"You broke down Pitch's door."
"Lost my temper."

-Ranger and Stephanie”
― Janet Evanovich, To the Nines

“...I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. "Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, "I yelled. "I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enough...my hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line!”
― Janet Evanovich, Three to Get Deadly

“I almost never shoot people.”
― Janet Evanovich

“Your on your on with this one babe."
"Coward."
"Calling me names isn't going to get me in there."
-Ranger and Stephanie”
― Janet Evanovich, To the Nines

“Stephanie: “I have a list of Kenny's friends. I'm going to run through it.”
Morelli: “Where'd you get this list?”
Stephanie: “Privileged information.”
Morelli: “You broke into his apartment and stole his little black book.”
Stephanie: “I didn't steal it. I copied it.”
Morelli: “I don't want to here any of this. You're not carrying concealed, are you?”
Stephanie: “Who, me?”
Morelli: “Shit, I must be crazy to work with you”
― Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough

“If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!”
― Janet Evanovich

“Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?”
― Janet Evanovich, To the Nines

“In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment.”
― Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough

“My mother had been slicing up the chicken. She took a drumstick and dropped it on the floor. She kicked it around a little, picked it up and put it on the edge of the plate.

"There," she said, "we'll give him this drumstick."

"Deal.”
― Janet Evanovich, Four to Score

“It wasn't exactly that Lula was fat. It was more that she was too short for her weight." - Stephanie Plum”
― Janet Evanovich, Explosive Eighteen

“Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli.
"I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure."
-Morelli And Stephanie”
― Janet Evanovich, To the Nines

“I paused for a light at Hamilton and TWlfth and noticed the Nissan was running rough at idle. Two blocks later it backfired and stalled. I coaxed it into the center of the city. Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW! Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW!

A Trans Am pulled up next to me at a light. The Trans Am was filled with high school kids. One of them stuck his head out of the passenger-side window.

"Hey lady," he said. "Sounds like you got a fartmobile." I flipped him an Italian goodwill gesture and pulled the ball cap low on my forehead.

(Three to get Deadly)”
― janet evanovich

“I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?”
― Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough

“This cigarette tastes like ass," she said.
I wasn't sure what ass tasted like, but she looked like she would know, so I was willing to take her word for it.”
― Janet Evanovich