Humerous Quotes Quotes

“You raise them half-decent, and they grow up and leave. They move to Miami or California-- someplace with gourmet groceries and nude beaches because you've reared them to cook good and be liberal minded. It's just the opposite with your failures-- them kids stick to your tail like a cocklebur. You'd think it would be the other way around, but it's not. No matter how old I get, this will always amaze me.”
― Michael Lee West, American Pie

“Rich old people are more attractive than poor old people, so by all means, try to get rich before age sets in. Otherwise, you'll just be playing catch-up for the rest of your life and that will just wear you out, let me tell you.”
― Jill Conner Browne, The Sweet Potato Queens' Big-Ass Cookbook

“A woman needs a man like a tortoise needs a crah helmet.”
― Jeanette E. Mathews

“Where's your crown, Short Stuff?"
"Stuffed in a planter back there with my shoes.”
― Melissa A. Craven, The Awakening

“If God had a wife He would be in just as much trouble as any man.”
― Matshona Dhliwayo

“Pinky promise, because afterall, pinkys never break." She laughed and took his extended pinky in her own. "I pinky promise.”
― Gracie Heider, Guardian Angels

“No man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a homunculus.”
― JP Mac

“Everybody's always doing the same old things--- you know, doing unto others before they can do unto you.”
― Michael Lee West, American Pie

“We read in the paper about a fifty-five-year-old woman-you read right, that's fifty five- who had quadruplets! Since the pregnancy was in vitro, it was clearly on purpose. I've got to tell you, we were all pretty happy that we hadn't done this and also none of us had ever considered it. Nor had we considered pulling out all our teeth with pliers or slamming our fingers in the car door repeatedly just to see what it feels like.”
― Jill Conner Browne, The Sweet Potato Queens' Big-Ass Cookbook

“Two wrongs never add up to a right. But it's okay, I always sucked at maths.”
― EverSkeptic

“They’re macarons, not macaroons, you imbecile! One ‘o’, not two.”
― Lauren H. Brandenburg, The Death of Mungo Blackwell

“No, but I don’t need a security system—I have you.” I pause near the
entrance. “Now grab a cart, security puppy. I want to buy some marigolds.”
― Shari L. Tapscott, Blood and Buttercups