Abdullah

“That is why I always lie. I can’t have a truthful relationship. Gore’s idealization of me sets my pattern. I begin truthfully, but then I withhold what hurts him, what would destroy his illusion. I hide my psychoanalysis, my real age, my sexual needs, my past lovers and experience, my negro lover, and I give him his dream, his ideal woman. But where am I in the end?”
― Anaïs Nin, Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin

“I can tell now about the breathing exercises, which at first caused anxiety, sobbing and pain, but which brought release, warmth and sensuality afterwards. There is confusion between femininity and masochism, a real split. The only release I had was sensual, and since it was the only release, I over-emphasized it and became a nymphomaniac.”
― Anaïs Nin, Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin

“My body was quiet after the orgy. I felt power; I felt I was taking revenge. I was inflicting pain, being unfaithful, desecrating all the delicacies in Bill and in myself. Wilson, who has big needs, needed me, wanted all I could give, wanted me for a wife, a collaborator, a mistress, one to enjoy power with, his two houses, his position of power, his last ten years of achievement, but I starve him, elude him. He telephones. I inflict the suffering on him that was inflicted on me by another, but only because I do not love. So it must mean that those who behaved as I do now do not love.”
― Anaïs Nin, Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin

“I can only make notes. With Staff, it is my idealization of myself and others. Behind my masochism lies sadism. Behind my indirectness does not lie femininity, but a crippled, fearful self who does not dare. Behind my idealizations lie a primitive woman, indirect uses of power, subtle forms of destructiveness, this hunger.”
― Anaïs Nin, Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin