Ursula Bernier

“We place such a crushing burden on knights,” I said. “We tell them they’re supposed to be heroes, defenders of the realm, people of superior character. Then we send them into a slaughter and force them to butcher. They experience fear. They exist in constant vigilance, always ready to fight for their lives. It exhausts their body and soul. They watch their friends bleed out and die, and they have no time to grieve. Nobody warns them about this. Nobody sings songs about a young man trying to push his guts back into his stomach, or being so scared that the world turns dark, or being knocked off your horse and drowning in a muddy field in heavy armor while riders stomp on your back.” The two men in front of me were very still. “We do this to them and then we expect them to return to a peaceful life as if nothing happened. Some of them get a taste for the killing and can’t let it go. Some of them learn to distance themselves from their war selves. Others, like Pelegrin, need help and time.”
― Ilona Andrews, This Kingdom Will Not Kill Me