Philip

“and let's face it, the French Army couldn't beat a girls hockey team”
― Bill Bryson, Neither Here nor There: Travels in Europe

“So what is your star sign?' Said Mary Ellen 'Cunnilingus' Katz answered looking profoundly unhappy.”
― Bill Bryson, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail

“He also administered the school's corporal punishment known as The Wacks - which I was told, involved being hit with a big gym shoe made heftier by a kitchen weight wedged in the toe. The gym shoes name was Charlie. It is surely one of the world's greatest sadnesess that billions of shoes go about their benevolent businesses in aid of mankind, day after day, protecting feet providing warmth and support, unselfishly getting ducked in puddles, smeared in dog shit and yet remained unnamed. Whereas this nasty cunt of a show got lavished with affection like a pet.”
― David Mitchell

“I took a train to Liverpool. they were having a festival when I arrived. Citizens had taken time off from their busy activities to add crisp packets, empty cigarette boxes and carrier-bags to the other wise bland and neglected landscape.”
― Bill Bryson, Notes from a Small Island