Tiffany

“The waiter is always there to provide advice and counsel. “Hey, waiter, you don’t know me, but what do you think I should eat? Is it time for me to get a haircut? It’s up to you, because you’re a stranger and I’m an idiot.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Food: A Love Story

“I’m occasionally in charge of feeding a gaggle of small children. “Okay, for lunch here are your options: you can have hot dogs, popcorn, or cold hot dogs.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Food: A Love Story

“Whenever Domino’s introduces a new product, there’s always a part of me that thinks, I don’t know if you guys have mastered the pizza yet.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Food: A Love Story

“You will never overhear the following conversation in a fine-dining establishment. WAITER: Today’s specials. We have Chilean sea bass, which is sautéed in a lemon beurre blanc, and we have a Hot Pocket that is cooked in a dirty microwave. And that comes with a side of Pepto. PATRON: Is your Hot Pocket cold in the middle? WAITER: It’s frozen. But it can be served boiling-lava hot. PATRON: Will it burn my mouth? WAITER: It will destroy your mouth. Everything will taste like rubber for a month. PATRON: Oh, I’ll get the Hot Pocket.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Food: A Love Story