Paul

“The non-AVP spouse feels the relationship is one sided in favor of the AVP. AVPs try to avoid personal issues and past issues. Let’s just start today is a common theme. After an argument, Doug doesn’t see any patterns in his behavior. June sees the importance of going forward but is frustrated with 15 years of the same situation. The spouse has brought up dissatisfaction to the AVP. They feel uncertain of themselves. They recognize they need more time and space to be or to relate to others. They are aware they don’t have goals. They do not know how to say no gently, yet firmly, so they are ashamed of themselves. They find that demands or suggestions stop them at some level. They have a sense that they need others so they can keep going. AVPs in relationships often feel they can’t give to their spouse. They find their spouse’s marital style intense and overstated. Often, this is how they view the spouse’s parental style as well. They want stress to be gone.”
― Dr. Sandra Smith-Hanen, Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder

“Blame is an operative that is used often by AVPs. They will state blame can make things in life important and real. Hence, blame intensifies reality. Blame is also used as a container for emotion, so that the AVP can manage emotion.”
― Dr. Sandra Smith-Hanen, Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder

“Superficially the dismissive (as opposed to the fearful-avoidant) thinks very highly of himself, and is likely to pin any blame for relationship troubles on his partners;”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“Avoidants purport to want love, respect, and care in their lives and in their relationships. Yet it is very difficult to even approach the specifics with them. To start, they are unsure of themselves, and they need to communicate some certainty to others.”
― Dr. Sandra Smith-Hanen, Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder