Meh

“My mind was quickly consumed with thoughts of my girlfriend and all the good times we had had, like one of those cheesy montages ni eighties movies, when the angsty protagonist envisions himself and his ex holding hands on the beach, feeding a small puppy, getting into some kind of zany wrestling match with whipped cream. I interrupted my cliché memories by saying aloud: "Ugh, I'm feeling pretty low about this whole thing."

"You just gotta try to put it out of your head," he said, folding the paper halfway down to look at me.

"I know, it's just hard. I mean, I still have stuff at her place. What am I going to do about that? I still have a TV...," I said.

"Fuck the TV. Leave the TV. Cut your ties."

"It's a fifteen-hundred-dollar TV," I insisted.

"Go get that fucking TV.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says