Aurora Ryan

“On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“The only rule that ever made sense to me I learned from a history, not an economics, professor at Wharton. "Fear," he used to say, "fear is the most valuable commodity in the universe." That blew me away. "Turn on the TV," he'd say. "What are you seeing? People selling their products? No. People selling the fear of you having to live without their products." Fuckin' A, was he right. Fear of aging, fear of loneliness, fear of poverty, fear of failure. Fear is the most basic emotion we have. Fear is primal. Fear sells.”
― Max Brooks, World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War