“The “symptom” theory goes as follows: An affair simply alerts us to a preexisting condition, either a troubled relationship or a troubled person.”
― The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
― The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
“When marriage was an economic arrangement, infidelity threatened our economic security; today marriage is a romantic arrangement and infidelity threatens our emotional security.”
― The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
― The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
“But one theme comes up repeatedly: affairs as a form of self-discovery, a quest for a new (or a lost) identity. For these seekers, infidelity is less likely to be a symptom of a problem, and is more often described as an expansive experience that involves growth, exploration, and transformation.”
― The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
― The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
“But when we reduce the conversation to simply passing judgment, we are left with no conversation at all.”
― The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
― The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
“Terry Real, who has written extensively about men in relationships, describes a particular “unholy triangle” between “the powerful, irresponsible, and/or abusive father, the codependent, downtrodden wife, and the sweet son caught in the middle.” These sons, he expands, become unhealthily enmeshed with their mothers, and as adults, they “become afraid of their own range of emotions.”2 They are kind souls who feel they must curtail their own feelings and take responsibility for the happiness of Mom and the women who follow. Real calls this “intrusion trauma,” which lives not just in the psyche but in the body—hence its power to inhibit physical intimacy. Garth fits this pattern well, and it goes some way toward explaining why he feels so beholden to the women he loves, yet is unable to be aroused by them.”
― The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
― The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
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