Status Updates From The Ex-cavenger Hunt (Happi...

P. 45: "I growl, my voice low and irritated." This is the kind of thing that's everywhere, constant, almost every line of dialogue. Redundant nonsense. A growl is low and irritated. STOP IT.

Utterly implausible plot. So far, nothing but conversations with excessive speech tags/descriptions. His voice/her voice/my voice, tight/smooth/light/curious/firm/skeptical/excited/firm/dripping with sarcasm. That last one I think appeared three times. Lots of head shaking, leaning back, leaning forward. Lips are constantly twitching. Still don't know how old any of them are.

How old are these people? They act like 12 year olds. I'm no fan of this changing POV first person present tense style, but it would be a lot better if the writing itself were more . . .polished . . professional. . . mature.