Status Updates from All Editions of The Foul Mouth and the Headless Hunny (The King Henry Tapes, #4)

Siegfried is 20% done

— Jul 16, 2025 12:03PM Add a comment

The Foul Mouth and the Headless Hunny (The King Henry Tapes, #4)

Carly is 76% done

"How do I look?" she asked me.
"Um…I'm not sure how I'm supposed to answer this question without it crossing a line…"
She was pleased. She might be Ceinwyn Dale, Force of Nature, but she was still a girl once upon a time. "That good, hmm?"
"Quit torturing me, Miss Dale! My mother used to do this to me with lingerie…" I thought about this fact. "Damn it, now I need a psychologist."

— Apr 05, 2019 01:46PM Add a comment

Carly is 71% done

"And for fuck's sake, stop driving like a madwoman! You almost hit that hobo!"
"Hardly the first hobo I'd have killed," she muttered while making another turn that had me clenching my teeth along with my butt cheeks. "You called it the Great Depression, but for us it was a very good hunting season for over a decade, hardly depressing."

— Apr 05, 2019 11:23AM Add a comment

Carly is 63% done

"Not insane at all, only a vampire who knows what she wants, when she wants it…"
My whole body thought: fuck yeah, that's a great idea! Especially Prince Henry. Guy just ain't a team player.
Probably cuz there is an 'I' in penis.
Always thinking about himself and his throbbing ten inches. Eight inches. Okay, okay, like six and a half.
…What?
Every guy measures…and if he says he hasn't, he's a fucking liar.

— Apr 05, 2019 10:40AM Add a comment

Carly is 57% done

"Not taking up necrophilia, are you?" a teasing voice asked.
"Hey," I managed, all smooth moves.
Seeing her here was kind of like getting caught masturbating by your sister.
Which JoJo did on purpose to embarrass me, I don't care what excuses she makes about the door opening by itself!
To keep up this wonderful analogy, I put my monocle away like it was a now flaccid penis. "What, uh, you doing here, Eva?"

— Apr 04, 2019 04:48PM Add a comment

Carly is 53% done

"Aunt's a talent scout. We've been on the road all the way from California."
"Like…for movies?" Sally Two asked
A little devil popped up on my shoulder, it looked like Jethro Smith: say 'yes' motherfucker. Gonna be deep in the nerd pussy tonight!
A little angel popped up on my other shoulder, looked like Pocket: this is really cliché, dude.
But lying ain't ever been my thing
"Nah, nothing that fancy"

— Apr 04, 2019 02:42PM Add a comment

Carly is 51% done

Guy likes bugs.
Has them inside his clothes, has them placed strategically around the office.
As revolting as you can imagine.
Any moment them little legs gonna be crawling all over your skin.
Feel em, kiddies?
Feel em crawling on your skin?
Bet you did. Bet you're scratching at it right now. Ain't suggestion a wonderful thing? Now if only I could get these tapes to give people orgasms…I'd be a fucking billionaire

— Apr 04, 2019 01:56PM Add a comment

Carly is 49% done

Coming around the table, he moved to kiss Annie B on her cheek until she waved him off.
"I know where those lips have been."
"You wound me!"
"They have glitter on them," I pointed out.
The Tsar frowned, pulling a handkerchief from somewhere and dabbing it on his lips. "Glitter, always glitter with this place. My shits have glitter in them! It makes my yearly colonoscopy most embarrassing for my doctor."

— Apr 04, 2019 12:36PM Add a comment

Carly is 44% done

Now Ceinwyn was making the final pitch. Soothing fears and settling nerves. Telling the girl and her parents that everything was going to be okay.
With my help.
What could go wrong?
Nothing went wrong, you assholes.
Have some respect for my ability to manipulate people, will you? I'm only a blundering dumbass half the time. Other half, I'm a maniacal genius doing the impossible.

— Apr 04, 2019 11:27AM Add a comment

Carly is 34% done

"Why's the world spinning?" she muttered. "I haven't been drunk in a hundred years…not since Prohibition…I miss the 20s…the 20s were good for me…"
I glanced at the secretary for help.
She shook her head with a face that said 'fuck no.'
My artifacts.
Annie B.
My artifacts.
Annie B.
I'm not proud of it, okay?
But I still shrugged her ass off me.
"Ow," she murmured from the floor, "my butt…"
She'd be fine.

— Apr 03, 2019 07:28PM Add a comment

Carly is 28% done

"Do you want a papercut?" she asked.
I sighed into my pillow. "Left ass cheek please."
She actually fucking did it.
It was a joke and she actually gave me a papercut, through my pants, on my left ass cheek. I squealed like a pig with a man named Jim Bob after him, up so fast I didn't sit up I stood up on the bed. "Are you serious?!?" I yelled at her, hand clamped on my ass cheek like it might fall off.

— Apr 03, 2019 04:45PM Add a comment

Carly is 21% done

"What the fuck is wrong with you, woman?"
"You…you know you were! I just acted first! We always fight like this!"
"Once again: I ain't the same guy as last time. If I'd acted then you wouldn't have your legs."
Still angry, but getting playful, she leaned to block my path to the limo. "Do try, King Henry. Blow my legs off. See how quickly I can reattach one and hop on over to beat you senseless with the second."

— Apr 03, 2019 12:25PM Add a comment

Carly is 14% done

I made myself a White Russian-cuz, I'm the Dude, man-and made Annie B an Appletini.
Why do I know how to make a fruity, girly, will-shrink-testes Appletini? That whole year of sin with the college girls.
Your parents ever complain about you being a man-whore or a lady-whore, just tell them you're educating yourself. You learn loads of shit by sleeping around.
Like how much penicillin costs.

— Apr 03, 2019 09:40AM Add a comment

Carly is 5% done

"Hey, old bag! We need to talk!" I yelled before opening her door.
Fuck me.
I slammed the door shut.
Mentally scarred.
For life.
I could not unsee…
"Knock next time, you stupid shit!" Fines Samson called from inside the room.
He and the Lady…
My eyes…they burn…
Balls shouldn't droop like that…
Boobs shouldn't lie next to you on the bed…
Vaginas shouldn't…
My eyes…
They burn…