Status Updates From Awakened (Awakened #1)

The Native American character is calling the two white leads "the Great Ones". Oh lordy lordy, Miz Scarlett.

"Kent, you’re talking in riddles. I’m starting to feel really upset here. Are you saying you’re not really my husband?" - Actually, he really isn't. You just got given fake documentation so you could pass as a married couple, then decided you were really married.

"Both Kent and Lisa ran into each other’s arms. Kent lifted Lisa off her feet, twirling her around while drinking in her scent and warmth. They drew each other close and lost themselves in a barrage of…" - Of cheese?

"Suddenly there was the sound of zippers moving, Velcro stripping, leather snapping and hammers being pulled back as half-a-dozen in the crowd now trained their previously concealed weapons onto the tw…" - 'Murica, f**k yeah!

"The agent’s weapon rose into the air and he cranked off a very loud round into the ceiling." - No, this isn't a euphemism. I've never heard "cranked" use to describe firing a gun before - is it a clockpunk spring-gun?

Well, it only took 200-odd pages, but finally the paranormal plot promised in the prologue and cryptic quotes rears its sparkly head!

""I’m Admiral Dark,” he reached out to shake their hands and then took a seat across from them at the table.
“Is that really your name?” Lisa asked." - The characters are starting to rebel against the silliness!

"a very handsome, tanned-skined thirty-something officer" - EDITOR!

"Kent felt her fingernails running teasingly along the outside of his French briefs, sending some sudden and astonishing sensations through his jewels." - And with that, we're back to giggleworthy sexytimes after a few chapters of conspiracy theory tedium.

Why does this book seemingly always use "the home" instead of "the house", "the apartment", etc.?

"A broad-shouldered man sat toward the back of the small shop, a black fedora tipped down over most of his face." - HAHAHA EX-NERD HUNKY LOVER BOY WEARS A FEDORA. IT'S SO PERFECT. "M'lady." Don't put him in the friendzone, Lisa. You won't like him when he's in the friendzone.

"Tears were already welling in her eyes before she reached the end of the note. She fell into his pillow sobbing, “Kent! No!” she cried out! “No! No! No! …”" -"Ha! Ha! Ha!" laughed the reader through tears of mirth.

"My friends at school would be totally jealous if they ever found out I was naked in the shower with a swimsuit model." - This book is the most hilariously transparent male nerd wish-fulfillment evs.

"She walked up to him anyway, brushing the perspiration from his pecs with her palms and then landing a sweet peck on his lips with hers. He smelled like Kent to her. Sweaty or not, she discovered that she liked his scent." - Of course she had. *facepalm*

"Lisa watched him watching her as he powerfully, vocally, massively erupted, spilling his ecstasy into her." - I'm just going to leave this here.

"she breaded, seasoned and spiced fillets of tofu " - Tofu being well-known for needing all those fiddly little bones removed before OH WAIT.

"Harlan’s foul mood followed him into the Oval Office where the President and the Secretary of Homeland Security, were already meeting." - "Mr. President, I propose that we make comma misuse a federal offence."

"Again the big animal roared loudly, like it was filled with some kind of rage!" - I swear, I am not making any of these quotes up.

"She didn’t have a bathing suit but she made due with a pair of Kent’s French-cut bikini briefs" - Well, this is certainly new information. Also, EDITOR!

"Part of the problem is this chemistry you and I seem to share. It’s not helping, Lisa; it’s everything I can do just to keep my hands off of you." - Look, just bone already, you two. No-one cares. The stupid soulbond romantic connection cannot be denied.

"Kent, it’s beyond ‘really good’. Trust me. I’m usually not like that. Somehow I’m really attracted to you. It’s a little weird, actually. Didn’t you feel it? When we were kissing last night?" - "Yes, I could feel the author forcing the plot along using some lame soulbond device."

"It was the sensation of feeling her belt being unbuckled the suddenly derailed those emotions with a heavy dose of cool warning." - I'll have the word salad with cheese on top, please, waiter.

"Lisa discovered that the virgin Kent was way beyond naturally talented when it came to making out." - Of course he was!

"Did she want be making out with him bare-chested?" - EDITOR!

HAHAHAHAHA...

"Making out with Lisa like this was an amazing dream come true to Kent. In school he’d never have braved to even talk to someone like Lisa let alone ask her for a date. But making-out with her, tasting…"

Oh boy, this is bad. But at least it's bad in an amusing way.