Status Updates From The Baby Jesus Butt Plug

My god this is getting better/worse with every sentence, check this out:
"Of course, we knew that most older people find it offensive to use a baby Jesus as a butt plug. These are the people who stand outside adult shops downtown and chant, "Jesus is the Son of God, not an anal probe!""

Here's how to get readers hooked, use this as an opening:

"We adopted a baby Jesus a few months ago and it has already adapted to our assholes."