Status Updates From Non-Toxic Masculinity: Reco...

“As with all things, Jesus does not fit into the box conservatives or progressives put him in to suit their ideological agendas. Jesus is too busy being Lord of the universe to be co-opted for someone’s culture war.”

“The idea that men aren’t, can’t, or shouldn’t be nurturing is toxic.”

“Together and in equal partnership with their mother, a father is responsible for the entirety of his children’s well-being, not just their financial needs or physical safety.”

“Parents are equally expected to provide for, protect, and nurture their children. When men take care of their children, they are acting like fathers, not stepping in to fill the mother’s “role.” When a man changes a diaper, he does so because he loves his children, not because he’s doing his wife a favor.”

“Too often the misinterpretation and misapplication of biblical passages are used to create and sustain a system of female sexual subservience and male sexual entitlement in Christian marriage.”

“Toxic masculinity is all about male entitlement—to power, space, freedom, preference, and pleasure.”

“We must take sin seriously. Too often, when we say we’re forgiving someone, we’re sweeping sin under the rug to preserve harmony, balance of power, and a façade of peace in the community. True redemptive forgiveness cannot function without proper systems of accountability.”

“We’ve often misunderstood the Christian call to forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean withholding punishment and shielding abusers from legal accountability. Nor does it mean that predatory youth leaders are allowed to stay in ministry, or that women should be encouraged to stay with their abusive husbands, or that children should spend time with their pedophile fathers.”

“We must replace dehumanizing teachings and practices with those that dignify women. This includes the way pastors speak from the pulpit, as well as the rules and advice presented on how men and women should interact. We must take seriously allegations of sexual abuse. We must heed the biblical call to elevate the plight of the oppressed, including abused and mistreated wives.”

“Purity culture often focuses on creating external regulations for people’s behavior. When the community is overly rigorous in enforcing purity standards and people’s behavior is controlled *for them*, it deprives them of the opportunity to learn to *control themselves*.”

“I’ve heard many male pastors speak at length about their moral guardrails—accountability software, never spending one-on-one time with a woman other than his wife, not watching R-rated movies, not going to the beach or gym, and so on. What does this communicate to the women in his congregation?”

“Christian men need to grow up—and I don’t mean they simply need to be braver, bolder, take responsibility, lead their families, move out of their parents’ basements, play less video games, or woo a woman and get married. I’m calling Christian men, single and married, to become more Christlike in the way we think about, treat, and live in relationships with women.”

“The sad reality is that conservative Christian churches are one of the easiest places in American culture for a power hungry and abusive man to mistreat women and children while commanding the respect of the broader community. We have made our churches comfortable for abusers. Shall our churches continue to be shelters for oppressors rather than the oppressed? May it never be!”

“Some men think they don’t objectify women, simply because they’ve shunned bikini posters, Game of Thrones, or porn magazines. However, the church elder who eyes women up and down to determine whether outfits are modest enough has also reduced those women to sexual objects.”

“For some, singleness will be a lifelong way of being human. Extended singleness has its challenges—but so does marriage. Instead of being helped toward Christian maturity as single adults, men are often told to hurry up and get married. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to marry, but the evangelical church has often done a horrendous job of dignifying singleness itself.”

“The damaged goods narrative is a disgusting, sub-Christian, and often misogynistic idea that has no place in the Christian community. It infuriates me that the church cultivates this view of human beings and virginity, not least because my wife is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The suggestion that I or anyone should view her as somehow less worthy of love and connection fills me with a unique type of rage.

“Personal convictions are fine; adding to God’s law is not.”

“A spouse is not a crutch for a lack of self-control.”

“If you’re single, marriage will not solve your sexual problems. If you go into marriage thinking it will soothe the emptiness in your soul that leads you to harmful sexual behavior, you’re setting yourself up for marital struggle.”

“The dehumanizing and hypersexual impulses purity culture claims are part of being a man are not part of male nature. Instead, they are habits- more specifically, vices- men have been socialized into.”

“The root of abuse scandals in the church is a culture of toxic masculinity.”

“Tame dehumanization is the norm, but allegations of serious issues like child p*rnography, sexual abuse, coercion, and marital rape are often dismissed or ignored. Women are left to suffer in silence, even forced back into silence if they speak up, while men are allowed to wallow in ongoing sexual brokenness.”

“Purity culture doesn’t protect men- we can fall into sexual sin even with its regulations in place- it suppresses women. It hides women’s female humanness from view; if men can’t control themselves, women must exercise restraint and accommodate men’s tendencies and instincts.”

“Christian men shouldn’t need to control others’ clothing to avoid sexualizing them.”

“If we assume men cannot control their base impulses, it becomes difficult to hold them to a higher standard or pursue accountability for their sins against women.” 🔥 So many gems in this book, so far!

“Do evangelicals have a reputation for a strict set of rules about sexual behavior? You bet. Do evangelicals have a reputation for believing, caring for, and advocating on behalf of victims of church-based sexual abuse? Not so much.” Sadly so true. 😭

“The church’s evangelistic mission should never be at the expense of victims who are traumatized by suffering and abuse.”