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Justice for Elan.

so all of your mutual yearning in the relationship could be solved if y’all would just CONSIDER A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

like a woman can’t have love and a career. give me a break.

Did not expect to be yelling “PEANUT BUTTER HAS SALT IN IT” at a faerie like he’s a dog monching chocolate, but here we are

oh yes darling
do indeed pretend you have the moral high ground in pursuing the greater good while you consider whether or not you choose to save the life of another living being

I’m being petty but I’m not sure I care.

Really liked the opening but...we'll see if I feel like chucking this one at a wall at the end. The romantasy tropes are sprouting like mushrooms.
I smell a love triangle. And I'm not happy about it.

ok actually Stoker how dare you

(mumbles something about Jadis of Charn)
C.S. Lewis would have things to say about this, I'm sure.

>:(

Mr. Trelawny = Andrew Ketterley.

so much brain. so little thought.

Whatever petty gripes I have against Bram Stoker, one must appreciate the Mina Harker. In both Seven Stars and Dracula, The Woman is revered, respected, adored, and even a little feared.
Refreshing.

Heroine: We should have a date!
Hero: Like dinner in a fancy restaurant!
Heroine: Like highway robbery!
Hero: ...
Hero: ok yours is better

Me: are you perchance allergic to cats
Bram Stoker: Why do you ask?
Me: ...no reason

this book reads exactly like you would expect a “literary genius drinking graveyard bog water” book to read like

I can say this. I too live by graveyard. boggy or not.

Emily. what even.

Isabella: I can fix him!
Cathy: no sweetheart, you really can’t :)
Cathy II: I can fix him!
Heathcliff: yeah good luck with that
Ellen: you can fix her!
Lockwood: I, a heartbroken introvert, would literally rather socialize with sane society than come within ten feet of her again
Cathy II: I found another one I can fix!
Hareton: you are cute. so why not.

(mumbles something about the Volsung saga and Dracula)

Ellen: sir would you like to marry our young miss? She is very beautiful. :) :) :)
Lockwood: have you considered she is bad tempered, haunted by an evil fate, and also are we not going to talk about the witchcraft
Ellen: but have you considered you could fix her :) :) :)

Me: you see a child in mortal peril. What do you do?
Ellen: Call Child Protection Services.
Me, crying: you are child protection services

Lewis, grimly, in the voice of one who has fought the same nemesis for a lifetime: I knew those dentists.

brain fever time!

Lewis: I know this is almost inconceivable...
Me, brain visibly melting out onto the floor: no, please, keep going.

Lewis what have you got against cucumbers?

Lewis: (explains away the problem of freewill vs. predestination via God being outside of time as if it's the most effortless thing in the world)
Me, brain exploding: ok cool

Lewis: everyone told me not to tell you this.
Lewis: ...so I'm going to tell you anyway! :D
Lewis: everyone said the ordinary reader doesn't want theology
Me: YES SHE DOES
Lewis: but why should you be treated like children? :)
Lewis: anyway here's this story about a time I got heckled lol

Ellen: Housekeeper’s log. Once again, I am the only sane person in this place, pondering how much oranges can solve.

(I doubt the author’s intentions…but I sense the opportunity for an unreliable narrator where Ellen is the one hunting fortunes…)

I would like to like Cathy, but her laughing, bullying Isabella reminds me too much of some women I have met who pretend they are the nicest, and then proceed to push you around. >:(

enjoying the implication Ellen can only repeat Joseph’s words in Joseph’s accent
like Pippin doing a Sméagol impression

Ellen: Heathcliff has this murderous look in his eyes. It’s frightening.
Me: …he’s sixteen, you say?

ok I see why the girls are protective of Little Heathcliff :(