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ok actually Stoker how dare you

(mumbles something about Jadis of Charn)
C.S. Lewis would have things to say about this, I'm sure.

>:(

Mr. Trelawny = Andrew Ketterley.

so much brain. so little thought.

Whatever petty gripes I have against Bram Stoker, one must appreciate the Mina Harker. In both Seven Stars and Dracula, The Woman is revered, respected, adored, and even a little feared.
Refreshing.

Heroine: We should have a date!
Hero: Like dinner in a fancy restaurant!
Heroine: Like highway robbery!
Hero: ...
Hero: ok yours is better

Me: are you perchance allergic to cats
Bram Stoker: Why do you ask?
Me: ...no reason

this book reads exactly like you would expect a “literary genius drinking graveyard bog water” book to read like

I can say this. I too live by graveyard. boggy or not.

Emily. what even.

Isabella: I can fix him!
Cathy: no sweetheart, you really can’t :)
Cathy II: I can fix him!
Heathcliff: yeah good luck with that
Ellen: you can fix her!
Lockwood: I, a heartbroken introvert, would literally rather socialize with sane society than come within ten feet of her again
Cathy II: I found another one I can fix!
Hareton: you are cute. so why not.

(mumbles something about the Volsung saga and Dracula)

Ellen: sir would you like to marry our young miss? She is very beautiful. :) :) :)
Lockwood: have you considered she is bad tempered, haunted by an evil fate, and also are we not going to talk about the witchcraft
Ellen: but have you considered you could fix her :) :) :)

Me: you see a child in mortal peril. What do you do?
Ellen: Call Child Protection Services.
Me, crying: you are child protection services

Lewis, grimly, in the voice of one who has fought the same nemesis for a lifetime: I knew those dentists.

brain fever time!

Lewis: I know this is almost inconceivable...
Me, brain visibly melting out onto the floor: no, please, keep going.

Lewis what have you got against cucumbers?

Lewis: (explains away the problem of freewill vs. predestination via God being outside of time as if it's the most effortless thing in the world)
Me, brain exploding: ok cool

Lewis: everyone told me not to tell you this.
Lewis: ...so I'm going to tell you anyway! :D
Lewis: everyone said the ordinary reader doesn't want theology
Me: YES SHE DOES
Lewis: but why should you be treated like children? :)
Lewis: anyway here's this story about a time I got heckled lol

Ellen: Housekeeper’s log. Once again, I am the only sane person in this place, pondering how much oranges can solve.

(I doubt the author’s intentions…but I sense the opportunity for an unreliable narrator where Ellen is the one hunting fortunes…)

I would like to like Cathy, but her laughing, bullying Isabella reminds me too much of some women I have met who pretend they are the nicest, and then proceed to push you around. >:(

enjoying the implication Ellen can only repeat Joseph’s words in Joseph’s accent
like Pippin doing a Sméagol impression

Ellen: Heathcliff has this murderous look in his eyes. It’s frightening.
Me: …he’s sixteen, you say?

ok I see why the girls are protective of Little Heathcliff :(

*stabs Hindley repeatedly for being the worst character in the book* oh nooo he died of natural causes :) :) :)

(if this is actually how he exits stage right, no one tell me.)

if anyone asks, my dear friends bullied me into reading this
as they must
and should
:)

"man should lead because without her naturally gentle Emotional Support Husband, Woman's unchecked bloodlust will rain down terror without mercy upon all those who dare threaten whom she loves" is truly the Hottest Take Lewis has presented thus far

but considering it means Lewis regards all womankind with the same fear and awe generally reserved for Lady Galadriel, I'm not mad about it. ;)

C.S. Lewis: compares the popular, sentimental, fictional idea of irresistibly, uncontrollably falling in love…to catching measles.

:)

I can’t tell if this is caricature or if Robert is actually insane to be as selfish and un-empathetic as he is.

“she can have another baby” yes but can you get another pretty face after I smack you with this frying pan