Jadyn Kavanagh > Recent Status Updates

We couldn’t post pictures of us on social media or hold hands in public or be a couple on a double date with our friends. Nobody would celebrate us. Nobody I’d grown up with would come to our engagement party or RSVP to our wedding one day. No one to stand next to me at the altar while she came down the aisle or make a best man speech with stories from when we were kids.

I knew there would be a safe place to eat on the route and the car would be peaceful and quiet. Maybe heaven was just an infinite car ride with Chris. Him behind the wheel. Us leaving everyone and everything behind. Woofarine on my lap, Minnesota in the rearview. Starting over. Going back. Picking right. But you can’t go back. You can only stop making the mistakes you keep making.

get out.

Mike didn’t make me feel safe, I realized. He didn’t make me feel unsafe, but I could never shut off my brain with him like I could with Chris. When Chris drove, I could take a nap or be on my phone. I didn’t have to keep my eyes on the road. When Chris said he was going to drive, I didn’t have to watch to see how much he had to drink. I didn’t have to put my own drink down in case I had to take over.

Love is self-sustaining. It doesn’t get weak and die when you don’t feed it. Even when I put it away, locked it up, shut in the deepest recesses of my heart, I still loved her in the dark. I could love her from a distance. I could love her in silence. I could love her without even wanting to.

I LOVE CHRIS

sidenote... why are we still with mike?? at 3 quarters in?? i was buying into a romance... like a real romance... come on abby!!

i'm sorry but.. HOW does mike not know larissa has a nut allergy? the whole planet knows.

For some reason I didn't like the visual of Chris with a date.

OH AND YOU'RE ANY BETTER LARISSA? don't piss me off. you with fricking mike. i can't.

mike is a bad person. but not once do we get the concert flashback?? confused. utterly confused. also we never actually find out why mike is bad. but chris reads... dream man

the first abby jimenez read i haven't enjoyed... :(

chris is such a man written by a woman

are we going to get a mike pov??

ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL.

BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS.

yeah. yeah.

pulling a kenzie

yes aapi!

so we don't have wifi and we write a book about nothing? got it.

a book about nothing!! cool!!

still at the res(wiss chale)taurant with kenzie

It’s not remembering how to braid your hair while looking at yourself in the mirror, and not realizing that when it is snowing outside, it means it’s winter. It’s looking at your husband but seeing a stranger. It’s forgetting how to speak, but weirdly remembering the lyrics to a song you knew decades ago. It’s shattered souls and broken hearts and sniffles hidden behind smiles.

this is devastating.

Alzheimer’s isn’t a cute disease. It isn’t only forgetting about your first elementary school crush’s name or the place you visited with your parents when you were five or the meal you ate for dinner yesterday. It’s agitation and aggressiveness and bursts of sadness that break the hearts of everyone around you.

In this moment, I realize if there was one thing I could wish for, it would be to live in a world where time stands still. Where Aaron and I could keep living without growing old, our bodies stuck in this place in time. This way, nothing would stop me from begging him to stay with me. I wouldn’t ever get sick. He’d never have to say goodbye. We could just be, together.

💔💔

still at the re(swiss chalet)staurant with kenzie

God bless the souls who can tolerate that much up-in-the-airness in their lives, but I can’t anymore. So much of my life has felt so out of my control for so long. And I’m done with that being my reality. I want my life to be in my hands. Not an eating disorder’s or a casting director’s or an agent’s or my mom’s. Mine.

As an actor, you can’t control which agents want to represent you, what roles your agent submits you for, which auditions you get, what callbacks you get, what roles you get, what the lines are for your role, how you look for your role, how the director directs your performance, how the editor edits your performance.

highly would not recommend buddy reading this devastating book

Due to some lingering Mormon beliefs, I think this means Mom will be looking down at me today, disappointed, from her throne in the Celestial Kingdom—the highest kingdom of heaven in the Mormon faith. No way Mom wound up in the Terrestrial or Telestial trash kingdoms. Gross.

Until you don’t talk to them at all anymore. And it makes you wonder if you were ever really intimate with them in the first place or if it was all just a facade. If the connections were as temporary as the sets they were made on.

This feeling of sadness and ending is really common on sets. You get to know the people around you so intimately because you’re around them more than you’re around your family. For a period of time. And then you aren’t anymore. And little by little, you realize you start talking less and less to the people you thought you were so intimate with.

I’m small. I know I’m small. But I worry that my body is fighting the smallness. That it’s trying to develop. To grow. I feel like I’m barely hanging on to my childlike body and the innocence that comes with it. I’m terrified of being looked at like a sexual being. It’s disgusting. I’m not that. I’m this. I’m a child.

And the kid getting into fights might not be angry at his classmates—he might be angry at the world. And when nobody sees that, when nobody tries to understand, those kids come to believe what everyone says about them. That they’re just trouble. That they’ll never be anything more than that.