Arthur Graham’s Reviews > Statue of Limitations > Status Update

She told me she was having a topless barbecue and that she was in love with me and I should come over and bring chips. She was completely drunk, and I’m obviously stupid, so with little hesitation, I bought a bag of Ruffles and a bag of Doritos, because I didn’t know what kind of party this would be.

The woman next to me in the theater ate a fried ostrich leg she snuck in from the Ost-Fil-A restaurant, a new restaurant that served the biggest chunks of deep-fried flightless bird flesh imaginable to the pro-Jesus, anti-gay crowd imaginable. (Not to be confused with Osto-Fil-A, which is a pro-Jesus store for fetishists who ate from colostomy bags.)

Hour four of the Quentin Tarantino remake of Citizen Kane, and I prayed to God, Allah, and Satan they would have some kind of Gone With the Wind-style intermission so I could take a dump. I accidentally drank a colonoscopy prep phosopho-soda laxative with my chili-dog during the trailers, and the rumbling in my guts told me I was almost out of time.

Dumb story ideas that didn’t make it

Live Fast, Eat Ass

The transmission was a spoken-word experimental jazz bit where a trance DJ from Wales sampled all of Jack Kervorkian’s speeches and cut-pasted the words so he was reading the Heaven’s Gate cult’s suicide notes, with David Koresh’s heavy metal blues jam guitar looping in the background. It was like the triple crown of Nineties snuff suicide rock and roll revolution.

He wanted to patent a combination EpiPen and Narcan injector, for people who overdose on heroin that contains trace amounts of peanut products.

A school bus thief amassed a motley collection of at least a dozen Blue Bird buses. He primarily stole the Blue Bird All American buses with the Cummins VT555 V8 diesel front-engine configuration, circa 1975-1985. Nobody knew why he was fixated on Type-D transit vehicles. Maybe he had a family member killed by someone trying to pass a stopped bus.

47 auto fatalities per second are caused by teenagers abusing insulin. It’s the latest craze, bored high school dropouts trying to cop a buzz by shooting Novolin while driving at high speed and masturbating, then slipping into a hypoglycemic coma and crashing into oncoming traffic. I think this started on TikTok, I don’t know.

The numbers have been removed from every road in Indiana because math is woke.