JP’s Reviews > Overcoming Depression: A self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques > Status Update

Coming out of shame is often a slow opening-up process. We gradually learn to reach out to others, and become more compassionate with them and with ourselves. Once you make the decision to come out of hiding, numerous possibilities become open to you.

Guilt and Escaping

✅ Try to work out what specifically you want to escape from.

If people try to be helpful, respect their efforts rather than discounting them. Again, avoid thinking in all-or-nothing terms—i.e. they must understand completely or it’s pointless. Maybe a little understanding is helpful. Maybe it’s part kf a step-by-step approach. Try to avoid attacking others if they do not understand in the way you would wish, as this will put them on the defensive.

Since shame is usually about hurt, sometimes it is possible to tell others what has hurt us and explain our feelings.

If we stick with negative labels, we stay in hiding and withdraw. Then our chances of recovery are reduced.

We have to come out of hiding… At times we can block ourselves from connecting with others because we cannot face revealing what we feel ashamed about. However, just because you think something is bad does not mean others will.

There is wisdom in recognizing what we can do for ourselves and where we need help from others.

Healing Shame:
1. Self-consciousness
2. Challenging your internal bully
3. Direct engagement
4. Relating with others

Shame operates on the “better safe than sorry” rule.

1. Thwarted efforts to be recognized as good and able;
2. Pressure to conform;
3. Direct attacks and putdowns

“To risk exposure to shame is to risk not being accepted and not belonging.”

Confronting Shame

1. Shame about our bodies
2. Shame about our competence and abilities
3. Shame in our relationships
4. Shame of what we feel

Approval feels good but you can’t base your self-esteem on it.

This does not mean that we become selfish and do not care for others, or selfishly follow our own course regardless of other people’s feelings, or turn others into servants to fulfill our own needs. Rather, it means that we can be pleased with approval but not devastated wo it.