Kaylee’s Reviews > My Dark Vanessa > Status Update

“You need to create a life for yourself … One that isn’t so focused on me”
Ugh, I HATE agreeing with Strane on anything, but this is very true. However, he said this in 2007 & was still in contact with her in 2017, so we know he was full of shit.
He’s such a manipulative bastard; showing up at her apt, intimidating her, shoving her, then crying in her lap until she lets him use her.
Henry v Strane sins.

Good on Bridget for calling Vanessa on her toxic BS. It’s absolutely shitty to pick on a literal child who was SA’d by the man who groomed you. It’s disgusting. HE’S disgusting. You both deserve better & he deserves jail & to be barred from ever being around teenage girls again. I suppose his actual fate will have to do.

So Vanessa’s weird obsession with Taylor started back in 2006. Why? To protect Strane’s perverted ass or because Taylor had the courage to speak out that Vanessa lacks?
Fuck Strane & his DARVO ass BS. Telling Vanessa to stay away from a married professor because “you know what you’re capable of.” Minimizing the incident with Taylor & Vanessa’s initial reaction. Blaming Vanessa for Taylor being believed.

“‘I was raped by a teacher there … I was 15.’ I’m shocked at how smoothly the lie comes out of me, though I don’t know if I’m lying or just not telling the truth.”
Baby girl, this is you telling the truth for the first time. This is what part of you has always known to be true, but you have refused to listen, to believe that’s what really happened to you.

Strane has messed her up so badly she sees everything through his filter or compares it to him. She mentally critiques Professor Plough for not being like Strane while her mind projects Strane’s perversions onto him.
Strane has also made her insufferable about Nabokov.
She doesn’t want to be a victim but her PTSD symptoms flare up often (refusing oral from Strane; dissociating; triggered by play’s rape scene)

Of course Strane is against “self-victimization!’ He doesn’t want [himself or Vanessa] to believe she’s a victim. (She is.)
He continues to manipulate her, play with her emotions, & be a condescending ass to her at 21.
The mental gymnastics she does to avoid being labeled a victim are frustrating & disgusting at times - especially about rape.
She’s not ok & needs to feel superior to offset her loneliness.

I’m so glad 2017 Vanessa is talking to her therapist about Strane. I’m glad Ruby has the patience to walk her through her past & enlighten her to what part of her knew was happening all along. I’m also glad Ruby called out the way the school handled the situation because that was completely unethical & BS.
It seems like there might have been a break through but I worry Vanessa will run from it.

Vanessa reconnecting with Strane after 2 years of silence is frustrating & heartbreaking. We see the divide in her psyche - her need / love for him vs her justified hate & anger. The immediate gaslighting & getting her drunk. Her awareness to wonder “is this rape?” & dissociating during the act.
She tries to confront him with Jenny’s revelations & he worms right back in. I’m glad she puked on his floor.

Vanessa cringes at the labels of victim/survivor, & I understand they can be hard to resonate with, but that man destroyed her. She’s been in arrested development since age 16, never processing their relationship, diving into booze, cigarettes & weed to numb herself. The end of this chapter made it clear: she’s worried she won’t be believed. She believes she was a willing participant, not the perfect victim.

Vanessa appears to have a very obsessive personality - she finds 1 person & makes them her entire world only to suffer a doom spiral when they pull away. This also makes her spiteful.
Her wanting to kiss Charley bolsters a theory I’ve had for a while - she doesn’t like men, just their attention - she seems to have stronger feelings for girls.
Strane’s manipulation messed her up & she needed therapy in 2001.