V W’s Reviews > Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime > Status Update

A break is meant to help defuse the situation but it’s also an agreement to come back to work it out together. The avoidant partner may use it as a time for distance and distraction, but they should use the time to figure out what they’re feeling.

“But sometimes questions are just... questions. Jayden comes home and asks Frances if she walked the dog. What's going through his mind is, "It's a beautiful evening • .. if she hasn't walked the dog, we can all go together after dinner." But Frances has had enough experience with Jayden's questions to believe there is an underlying criticism.”

“All feelings are rational, simply because they exist.”

Try more self regulation techniques (I do a lot already but see which ones feel better). Ground yourself in a loving and positive way. “You’re giving yourself the same connection you yearn for in your relationship.”

“Of course I’m hearing my partner say I’m a bad person. I grew up in a home where I got the message that I was ‘bad’ all the time.” (I’m guessing that’s the avoidant bc it fits and makes me sad for that child and to see how it translates into an adult)

“it’s hard to have a thriving relationship if only one partner is always the co-regulator.”

When one partner brings up concerns, the other can feel targeted like a “failure” and deflects the concerns by saying something like “what about you? You’re not perfect either”. It may provide the defensive partner “temporary safety” but it’s causing long lasting damage. What’s the solution? Get vulnerable.

There’s an example one partner feels invisible, the partner speaking continues on without acknowledging the insecure partner. Eventually the invisible partner gives up on trying to participate. But the partner that shut them out seems to blame them for being weird and not engaging in the conversation. There are triggers with the word “overreact”. It’s better to talk about it than completely disengage.

“In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

“It’s important to learn to recognize the first feeling of discomfort. You might notice thoughts like “here we go again”.” [avoidant partner checks these boxes to a T]

“It takes two to perpetuate the negative cycle, but only one to stop.” [one person can stop the negative cycle as it’s happening and being aware to the situation]. Hint: I’ve tried this and it’s incredibly difficult especially when the avoidant shifts blame and is immediately on the defense.