V W’s Reviews > Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime > Status Update

Try to practice self regulation to get out of survival mode where you don’t have time to pause and think through a situation when you’re under threat.

Triggers are powerful and automatic, but they do not have to control your behavior. Self-regulation creates enough emotional space for healthier communication, repair, and connection.

[avoidant]: "There's nothing to open up about. Theyre my parents, that's all. Why are you always pressuring me and trying to create problems that don't exist?"

“Your partner seems resistant to change when you've tried bringing up your relationship struggles. when you recommend a relationship book you've been reading, they push it away and say, “We don't need that”. rejecting their own shame, saying, "If I can't figure it out on my own, I am all wrong, broken, or unworthy." They have shame they fear being exposed.”

“Shame develops during childhood when caregivers send messages, consistently and over the course of time, that some or all of you is bad, weak, selfish, other "shameful" descriptor. This might sound extreme, it doesn't have to be. Many loving parents unintentionally shame their children when angry or as a means to solve problems. When repeated over time, can lead to bigger problems.” Example: lack of trust.

“This is about my attachment fears. Let’s take a step back and do this differently.”

When one partner gets defensive, sarcastic, cynical, uses passive aggressive humor, they may be pushing you away in attempt to try and feel safe. Let’s say your partner avoids committing to a trip, they may have anxiety about the trip itself and the relationship. But if they didn’t care about the safety of the relationship, they would’ve just said no.

*says a comment about the environment, experience etc* and the avoidant defaults to defensiveness and becomes snarky, then they deflect and say they’re stating facts….

The anxious partner can try saying “I feel sad you’re misunderstanding me right now”. Or “I could see why you think I’m complaining but I’m not, I’m just glad we’re together”.

Narcissists make you feel abandoned.

“It only takes one partner to initiate the relationship change that can lead to a better environment. That doesn't mean staying in a one-sided relationship indefinitely, but for real and lasting change, your work needs to come from a place of "I want to be different even when you can't be." Our own growth needs to be our priority. - and you have to want it more than anything else.

A break is meant to help defuse the situation but it’s also an agreement to come back to work it out together. The avoidant partner may use it as a time for distance and distraction, but they should use the time to figure out what they’re feeling.

“But sometimes questions are just... questions. Jayden comes home and asks Frances if she walked the dog. What's going through his mind is, "It's a beautiful evening • .. if she hasn't walked the dog, we can all go together after dinner." But Frances has had enough experience with Jayden's questions to believe there is an underlying criticism.”