Zana’s Reviews > The Iliad > Status Update

“Patriotism is the one true bird.”

The American in me: 🦅🎆🦅🎇🦅

“He stepped so slowly, his legs were barely moving—just as when farmers and dogs drive from a cattle pen a tawny lion, and stay up all night in case he seizes some fat calf—the lion is yearning for some meat but cannot get it—javelins and blazing cudgels fly at him from brave strong hands, and make him turn away at dawn, despite his eagerness—he leaves, frustrated in his heart...”

These similes are outta control

“Oileus jumped from the chariot and hurtled headlong straight at Agamemnon, who drove his sharp spear through his eager forehead. The thick bronze helmet could not stop the blade. It drove right through the metal to the bone. Inside his skull his brains were turned to mush, despite his eager courage.”

👁️👄👁️

“If all of you command me to choose my own companion for myself, how could I overlook Odysseus? Pallas Athena loves him, and he has such energy, virility, and drive in every undertaking. If I go with him, we could emerge from blazing fire and come home safe, thanks to his cleverness.”

Virility you say 👀

Also this statement didn't age well lmfao

“And in a corner of the sturdy tent Achilles slept with pretty Diomede, whom he had taken prisoner on Lesbos—her father’s name was Phorbas. And Patroclus lay by Achilles on his other side, and well-dressed Iphis lay beside Patroclus—whom glorious Achilles seized for him from lofty Scyros, when he sacked the city of Enyeus.”

👀

“All good, fine men love their own women and take care of them, just as I loved that woman with my heart, although she was a captive of my spear.”

These men are so rapey 😬

“...He has my woman, my own heart’s desire. Well, let him lie with her, let him enjoy her. Why should the Greeks make war against the Trojans? Why did he gather troops and bring us here? Was it not to retrieve a woman, Helen? Are they the only men who love their women, those sons of Atreus?”

Achilles is STILL whining about this shit??? Bruh grow up

“Achilles served the meat and sat to face godlike Odysseus...”

Glazing Odysseus to the point where he got his own spin-off

To make up for stealing Achilles's woman, Agamemnon will give him:

7 new tripods
10 lbs gold
20 bright cauldrons
12 racehorses
7 women from Lesbos (Achilles destroyed their home????)
The woman that Agamemnon stole and which he swears “that I have never gone to bed with her as is the normal way for men and women.”
Loot from Priam
20 Trojan women who aren't as hot as Helen
One of his daughters to marry
7 towns

“...You got the special status of the scepter, but not the greatest power, which is courage. Fool, do you really think the sons of Greece are craven cowards, as you say they are? If you are eager to go home, then go! Your path lies open. You have many ships beached by the sea, brought out here from Mycenae. We other long-haired warriors will stay until we have annihilated Troy....”

This Agamemnon roast!!