tom yum (●'◡'●)’s Reviews > Hexes of the Deadwood Forest > Status Update

He already decided long ago to join that “fucked-up soyhead” club, to become Adek of the Tofu Coat of Arms—but his veganism [...] does not stem from a concern for the planet but is rather for the purity and cleanliness of that little cave of his, which so often is explored by his numerous lovers. [...] the role he’s playing in the theater of eco-conscious living ends there.

it's 1:30AM and i just read that we are like cheese and we must protect the aurora... ummm ok goodnight i guess

As her doting parents mentioned at every possible occasion, Helene was born into the world like Jesus Christ—on a pile of hay in a barn [...] at exactly the moment the calf entered the world, so too did a wee babe slip out of Gertrude. It landed on the ground, its tiny behind covered in blood, piss (both human and cow), and cow manure.

this bitch is deranged but bartek is weaponised incompetence personified

The psychiatrist says he’s treated people for sleepwalking before but has never encountered a dendrophile. And while he can imagine men inserting their penises into tree hollows, scooped-out pomelo flesh, beef liver, or watermelon, well, he could never…No, he just can’t fathom it. Really, how could a woman be a dendrophile?! [...]
By shoving pine cones into her vagina? Twigs, maybe? Or mushrooms and acorns?!”

She isn’t ready to talk to anyone—despite having been offered fifty grand for an interview[...] to be accompanied by a photo of her naked, straddling a two hundred-year-old oak tree[...]
That was the best environmental protest-performance we’ve ever seen! With respect, the women’s faction of the Green Party.[...] She still remembers how those maggots pelted her windows with rotten apples, tomatoes, and kimchi.

And God said, ‘Let there be lithium’

Pick-me-ass-bitch final boss, a rags-to-riches oil company CEO.