Jennifer Oneal Gunn's Blog

Fifteen Years in Independent Writing

Here’s a little story about a young woman who began much like the rest in her field. I started with the words and learned how to turn them into something more. I didn’t churn out short story after short story and play word games in the comment sections on Facebook with my friends/fellow writers for fun only. It was the challenges and practice that helped me to become a better writer. While playing those reindeer games a lot of other painful stuff happened too and then the poetry came running out like a faucet full blast.

There were first companies and jobs I left on my way to building a resume of freelance work as an editor for Indie authors. Reasons may vary, but the learning I will always carry with me. And there was a lot of grief and anger to deal with.

I wrote three books in six months, which is something I’ve never done before or since. I added a fourth to the series and expanded the original short story that started the whole series. Ten years after the first book in the series was published, I can proudly say all the books are out there to read.

Mystik Legends, even though not many have read her, she will always be my first published baby. She was the beginning for me. I wrote the movie script first in the only way I knew how to format it, which later changed when I knew more, but it was the beginning to wanting more than just hobbies.

As someone who has loved words my whole life, creating things with them also became a silly little way of life. My first book isn’t published and may never be because it’s a Romance and I love Horror and weird things more. I first started that one when I was about fourteen. It was back in the 90s and my parents bought me a typewriter for Christmas one year. It was electric. I thought I was so fancy.

I also love a good ole mystery to solve or some history antics. I tried to do this with all my books. I’m not sure I was successful, but I tried. My initial Mystik writing style might not have resonated with people, so I revised it several times for clarity and redundancies over the years. I was able to shave off a few thousand words too, which I’m sure helped out as well. There just so happens to be a lot I poured into the book itself. It’s six connecting stories with the same main characters. (It was meant to be two books in a series.)

Then we skip and live life in the Revenging the Evil Series, where Jake Loughlin, Holly, and Chase show you their world of magic and ghosts and love. I love this series a lot and worked hard to bring it readers. While they have my heart, I also loved circling back to the characters of Mystik and forever tying the two universes together in Pandora’s Story. After the events of that book, we wait a while and a new series is born from the ether of my mind. One I’ve been sitting on because it perplexed me and made me nervous.

ATONIA is and will always be the biggest agent of chaos I could ever invent. In Let It Bleed, we have a triple universe crossover.

I’m sure it’s probably been done before, but not by me. It sounds a bit absurd to cross into three universes and hard to do. It took a while to cross all the lines needed to make it reality in the book world. Family. One of the biggest driving forces in all of them.

Now, fifteen years later, Atonia—Into the Gates of Hell still makes me nervous, but not like she once did. She’s been near completion for a while. She is book fourteen, I think.

After all this time, I still love words, just like when I started on this winding journey into the dark forest of monsters hiding in the shadows. Not every shadow I met was a monster. Some were good—as good as a person can be when in the business—and I love them all for trying to stick with me. It means a lot.

[For those I lost along the way—Remember to look in the mirror when you think of me and how you could have done things different. Don’t think for a second that I don’t and won’t remember what was said and done, whether it was bad from my side or yours. It doesn’t matter now. You don’t matter now. You all failed to put me in a grave for good and I hope you choke on the results of your own failures; as you speak of them and the ashes of the lies you told fall on the floor in front of the people you lie to. This is what it means to ‘die’ in my world. You no longer exist.]

It’s been harder since 2023 to sit down and write my silly little stories but I’m still trying. They come shorter now and with less flowery texts. I’m not sure if that’s bad or if it’s okay. I’m still here and I’m still trying to scare the hell out of people. I also wrote an origin story for Jen and Warren from Mystik Legends. Not sure anyone wants to read it, but again, challenging myself to things I wouldn’t or haven’t so I can still practice after losing my mind is a good thing.

We keep breathing, keep thinking, and keep going despite all of the incredible shit that’s been flying for a while now. It keeps getting odder and odder—it has me questioning which reality I’m currently in. All of this to say, I was editing some old blog posts today from one of my other blogs back in 2010 and as I was reading them, I noticed how different I was back when I wrote them, how into religion I used to be. I feel like a completely different person right now than who I was then. I was happy with where I was in life and never questioned it. Now, I don’t have a religion and don’t care to hear about any hateful male centered organization aimed at making life miserable for others. For that matter, what is hell? This shitty place we wake up to every single day? [laughs]

Learning to take the good with the bad is a hard lesson to learn. It takes a while when your mind is battling itself about everything you’ve ever known. It took a while to get those monkeys off my back. Then came the PTSD that goes along with fighting traumas that happened. It’s what they always say about writers. We’re either alcoholics or mentally ill. I don’t drink. I feel like, the way I was in 2010, I was living with a false sense of hope because I couldn’t see what was coming. I cannot always perceive the future. That skill is hard to hone. It’s been fifteen years, I’m learning to trust my gut vs my mind telling me not to have boundaries. I’m learning that too. My mind gives a lot of people the benefit of the doubt when it shouldn’t. It gets paired with my heart and empathy way too often, which usually leads to trouble, so I set a boundary and keep to myself these days.

It can be quiet in the ether of my thoughts these days, but there is peace to some degree sometimes because I’m the one I trust with me and my own writing journey. I published more books than I have fingers on my hands; they are filled with spooky stuff, magic, love, laughter, family, crazy antics, villains, angels, demons, the devil, historical figures, and maddening situations that end in a bad guy or two getting what was coming to him/her/them. Oh, and some poems about a heart that sometimes breaks twice as hard as the average person because, well, I used to punish myself with depression thoughts too often. It was a dark time. I was feeling it all back then.

Almost five years ago now, I got to move back to a bit of a safer house and my thoughts turned to dark things and how to fix them. It’s not finite, but it did help not living in a house that was probably trying to kill me. [I don’t like natural gas lines in an old house. They’re dangerous. I lived there for nearly 10 years.] Without that stressor on top of everything else I was worried about at the end of 2019 into 2020 by the Summer, when Covid was in full swing, I was trying my best to repair my mindset. It was too easy to live in depression so I tried my next writing challenge. It took a year, but it helped put me on the path to rewiring the depression chemicals in my brain. Funny how that works sometimes. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but it helped compared to not knowing what to do and feeling stuck mentally.

I’m glad I’m here because it did work to a degree. Even when I quit smoking and broke my brain chemically again, probably unmasking some other mental things I didn’t know would happen, I didn’t go into the darkness so deep I didn’t want to be here. I give credit for that to the experiment of music with positive messages/affirmations in it. I know what you’re probably thinking. It did help a lot to hear those messages when I was about my daily life and I wrote a whole book with that playlist vs my normal rock and roll ones—that was the experiment—see if I could still write a good book without Linkin Park and my normal soundtracks. I’m happy to say I love Let It Bleed.

Well, this is the most I’ve spoken on anything in a while. It feels weird. In a good way. Just think…I probably wouldn’t be here now, if it wasn’t for some redhead named Wendy.

Jennifer Oneal Gunn

American Indie Author

#FifteenYears #WriterLife #MystikLegends #RevengingTheEvilSeries #JnH #AtoniaLetItBleed #BrokenThings #DarkFlower #HeartOfAWoman #DevilsReboot #JenniferOnealGunn

View more on Jennifer Oneal Gunn's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on December 20, 2024 07:57

Return to the Magic Shop

[EDITED 05/21/2024]

The term “neurodivergent” describes people whose brain differences affect how their brain works. That means they have different strengths and challenges from people whose brains don’t have those differences. The possible differences include medical disorders, learning disabilities and other conditions. [1]

What does a neurodivergent person act like?

Neurodivergent individuals often experience differences in mental function, learning styles, sensory processing, communication styles and behaviors. They may struggle with soft skills such as emotional intelligence, social interactions or the ability to work effectively in a group. [2]

What conditions count as neurodivergent?

Generally speaking, to be neurodivergent means to have a type of brain that differs from the neuro-majority, says Kaye-O’Connor.

“I think of it as having a different operating system, so a neurodivergent person would have a way of experiencing and being in a world that is different from the ‘norm,’” she explains. [3]

According to the Internet, anxiety is also considered to be Neurodivergent. To be diagnosed with this new umbrella term you could have autism, ADHD, and a whole array of mental disorders. I self-identify as someone who has sensory issues and anxiety. I used to have severe depression and anger issues as well.

For me, this can mean a lot of things. Sometimes when my anxiety is acting up, mentally and a bit physically, my whole body is itchy. It doesn’t matter if I go bathe and scrub off some skin that’s too dry, then come out, dry off and put on the lotion. I still feel itchy all the way to my scalp those days. And can we talk about how sometimes when I have a headache, even the clicking of computer keys is tremendously loud? As is the creaking of floorboards and dripping of faucets. I hear the hum of the fridge and car door that just slammed down the street.

I’m also a textures person with food a lot. I don’t like gritty (onions, coconut shavings), squishy (mushrooms and tomatoes), and I love soft squishy sherpa blankets and plushies. Make that make sense.

As far as the typical non-typical learning function goes, I’ve learned stuff like all the facets of how to publish books in a matter of only a few months probably compared to what took others years and a team of people to do. I used this to do freelance work for years. (I wish the pay in that field was better. I miss my editing/formatting peeps.) I had a pretty high IQ score and a decent GPA for only 30 hours logged with the local community college. I found out I can do well learning from reading, videos, and other means. I don’t need to be sitting in a classroom taking notes for three solid hours once a week. I can learn by myself if I want to know something and can focus.

Right now, I haven’t been able to focus at all. The horrible anxiety, quitting smoking, and finally getting some energy back so I can clean the house from top to bottom, among a few emotional trials for chapter two… I’m getting some help from a doctor for the anxiety. Although the withdraws from smoking suck, they aren’t enough to make me want to retreat from the world a bit and go back to my safe place inside my heart and mind. [2023]

The doctor said I was bipolar and gave me medicine to make me sleep—and so started a journey of chemicals to alter my brain in 2023. My fog would make me forget how infuriated I was with bullies. People I thought I could trust who I had known, but never truly relied on, even when they said I could—hyper independence—had turned on me. So, it was a sad state I was in mentally. This revision is because I want to tell a nitty-gritty version of 2023. Of course, we’re going off of what I remember.

I used to disassociate a better life, one less lonely, but I think I don’t really do that anymore. I just don’t talk to most people about the shit that lives inside my mind. Good or bad. I think I yearned to not be so alone because it can get lonely as hell in the darkness. I paid for it with my heart, like I always do. This forced me back into my mental place inside my heart once more. [2024]

Right now, I’m definitely not myself and am trying to find my way back to a happier place in my heart. I didn’t use to think I deserved such a place as a Magic Shop.

What’s a Magic Shop?

It’s a safe place in your heart where people who love you and want to be a comfort to you live. A place where the sounds of music and soft whispers of affirmation live.

Most of the time, I’m the one who tries to spread those good/love vibes into the world. To be the one who’s here for people and safe person to come and sit with them when people need it.

In 2023, it was difficult and my heart was heavier than it had been in years. That happens when you quit doing something your body is used to having. This habit change was drastic for my body, much like a drug addict quitting the one thing that kept them somewhat sane. I don’t regret it. I can breathe so much better in 2024!

I didn’t know leaving the Magic Shop in February 2023 would do what it did. It didn’t go well so I retreated and came back to that place inside myself, locking the door forever on some souls. I made that decision because I feel like trusting people when I’m paranoid and can’t sleep isn’t my best idea.

I believe it’s all part of a psychological journey I’m on. One where I learn to love myself, fix the shattered pieces (old Japanese gold in the cracks edition—meaning you’re worth more when you get fixed), and become more than just a safe space for others.

I’m home. I’m still learning, still growing, and one day, perhaps I will venture out again with my heart.

Magic Shop is a track in BTS’ third Korean studio album, Love Yourself: Tear. This track was co-written and co-composed by Jung Kook. It describes the Magic Shop as a place of refuge for the heartbroken, a place of healing for the disturbed, and a place of love for those who are lonely.

BTS – Magic Shop (English Translation—Provided by Genius Lyrics)

[Verse 1: V, Jung Kook]
I know that you’re hesitating because even if you say the truth
In the end it will all return as scars
I’m not going to say anything blatant like “find strength”
I will let you hear my story, let you hear it

[Verse 2: RM]
What did I say? I said you’d win, didn’t I?
I couldn’t believe it (really) Could I win it?
This miracle that isn’t a miracle
Did we make it? (No) I was here
You were the one that made your way to me
I do believe your galaxy, I want to listen to your melody
Your stars in the Milky Way, don’t forget that I found you anyways
At the end of my despair, you’re the last reason
For me who was standing at the edge of the cliff, live

[Pre-Chorus: Jin, Jimin]
On days I hate being myself, days I want to disappear forever
Let’s make a door in your heart
Open the door and this place will await
It’s okay to believe, the Magic Shop will comfort you

[Chorus: Jung Kook, Jimin]
While drinking a glass of hot tea
And looking up at the Milky Way
You’ll be alright, oh, this here is the Magic Shop

[Post-Chorus: Jung Kook & Jimin & V & Jin, All]
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you show you

[Verse 3: j-hope, SUGA]
Like a rose when blooming
Like cherry blossoms when being scattered in the wind
Like morning glory when fading
Like that beautiful moment
I always want to be the best
So I was impatient and always restless
Comparing myself with others became my daily life
My greed that was my weapon suffocated me and also became a leash
But looking back on it now, truthfully
I feel like it’s not true that I wanted to be the best
I wanted to become your comfort and move your heart
I want to take away your sadness, and pain

[Pre-Chorus: Jung Kook, Jin]
On days where I hate myself for being me
On days where I want to disappear forever
Let’s make a door, it’s in your heart
Open the door and this place will await, Magic Shop

[Chorus: V, Jin]
While drinking a glass of hot tea
And looking up at the Milky Way
You’ll be alright, oh, this here is the Magic Shop

[Post-Chorus: Jung Kook & Jimin & V & Jin, All]
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you show you

[Bridge: V, Jimin]
Would you believe me
If I said that I was scared of everything too?
All the sincerity, the remaining times
All your answers are in this place you found
In your Milky Way, inside your heart

[Chorus: All]
You gave me the best of me
So you’ll give you the best of you
You found me, you knew me
You gave me the best of me
So you’ll give you the best of you
You’ll find it, the galaxy inside you
[Post-Chorus: Jung Kook & Jimin & V & Jin, All]
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you show you

Cited Sources:

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/23154-neurodivergent#:~:text=The term “neurodivergent” describes people,learning disabilities and other conditions https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-neurodivergent/#:~:text=Neurodivergent individuals often experience differences,work effectively in a group https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/is-anxiety-neurodivergent#neurodivergent-conditions

Jennifer Oneal Gunn, Writer, Poet, Artist, Mom

#JenniferOnealGunn #MentalHealthPost #Depression #Anxiety #Neurodivergent #MagicShop #BTSxARMY

View more on Jennifer Oneal Gunn's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on May 21, 2024 11:37

STAY—You Promised

I do remember the promise I made. I also want to keep in mind the fact that I want to use my laughter to help people heal even a small part of themselves.

WHY?

Because of LOVE. Born of love, spread the love as much as you can. I’m the light and I help heal the broken, even if I’m broken, too. Be the light, use your own love, the big heart you were given to hold them.

Your spell is simple.

Close your eyes. Imagine it. You see souls who need hope. They need to feel the things you feel when you close your eyes and see them crying. Think of them? The meek who need you/us? Always.

As the tears fade, the heart beats faster, pain in their eyes recognized—I promise I will stay and share the light to warm you as long as I can.

I never met you, but I love you, because I can. Please take it and let it fill you in times of sorrow. I can’t give you much, only my heart, even though for some, it’s never enough.

I promised I would stay on this earth and in this life for a while. I haven’t forgotten. Even though others might not want me to be here. I’m going to do it—I will stay alive. Over and over, I have spun the wheels that go nowhere, stuck in place recently. All I want is to get back to healing myself and others.

So… I’m trying to discover the light again.

I want it back so badly I almost forgot my need for patience, too. It wasn’t done in a day, it won’t return in a day, but the yearning is strong. Now that I remember more, it all gets heavy without warning. Dark spots return some of my missing memories.

Let’s wipe away the tears again and return to being fixated on finding our way again. We got this and it will happen. I’m rooting for us! When you’re staring at the abyss, remember, I’m here. I need you to stay with me. Okay? I NEED YOU to stay with me. I know, I promised I would do it, and by goodness, I am. Even when it’s hard.

Say it with me if you want to. “We go this.” Now, repeat it as often as you need to. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. I say this as much to me as to you, let’s not forget an important component to this ‘spell’ of ours. Let me say it louder. I love myself. No matter how much we think we screw things up, we don’t. Something wasn’t right somewhere in whatever was happening. Time to reset and play it our way. Let’s go! #Hwaiting! (Fighting!)

Come on, my little whaliens, you aren’t alone and you got it. Promise.

All my love always,

Jennifer Oneal Gunn, Author, Poet, Artist, Mom

View more on Jennifer Oneal Gunn's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on February 26, 2024 11:04

Why do I write Female Leads the way I do?

Hey, all! It’s been a while since I wrote about what it is I do as a writer. How I write my books and why I write them. I thought since I’ve finally gotten it in my silly brain this year to fill in some of the gaps in my bigger stories, why not answer questions you might not know you wanted to know the answer to? [laughter]

Today marks nearly a year of Jen not smoking and being on antidepressants and not killing actual people. My brain spent the majority of that time in a weird fog that I can’t fully remember. I know I usually write a scary story for you all to enjoy on the blog that later ends of in a short story book somewhere, but I wanted to change it up.

How or why do I usually write my female leads the way I do? Well, you know, character arc takes time sometimes. In my first novel, it took over half the book for one of the two main characters to finally see she needed to stand on her feet and use what she had to the best of her ability.

Why did I do that to her? Well, nobody comes fully equipped with all their abilities as soon as they know they can do something special. Plus, making badasses takes time, energy, and a bit of creativity. Character Arcs that come across too fast don’t really help some plots develop. I thought the two things went hand in hand.

It takes a bit of time cultivating to create full universes for fictional people. There are a lot of things in those universes that people don’t even know about yet. Ask me about magic some time. (Mystik Legends or Revenging the Evil Series).

When writing, I also like to take it slow through a few chapters and introduce the characters. Then shit sometimes tends to get a little weird. From the beginning of the book: one might look at a Research Assistant for a museum as a sissy little weakling who can’t do anything for themselves. By the end of the first story: she turns insane from her trauma and learns how to use weapons and survive through the most horrific night of her life. Beginning of a story arc: CREATED. Real character: UNLOCKED. It was from that moment on, the two main characters in my first novel had to learn how to navigate a different terrain than what they were used to and use skills they hadn’t imagined as real. After that, they learned, battled, became the super badass women they are in the books. Two ladies I’m proud of.

I’m also proud of how the story arc for them panned out. It was somewhat quiet for a while for them mostly. They got to rest some. Until Jen’s sister needed help. [Who knew it would end up being a whole family of supernatural people?]

Holly wasn’t my main character in the next series I wrote. Her husband was. Thing is, I oddly have a thing for writing badass women who have to learn to save themselves. He does share a place with her in my heart always, but she shines just a tiny bit brighter to me. She fought hard for her family.

Also, I write about the occasion vampire chick who is pretty cool and has a heck of a backstory. A friend of the family who fell in love and decided to tell her man about her life. Why? So he could know all of her. She had never been so vulnerable before in all of her long life. Without telling too much plotline to this one, I built up this world for you. One that didn’t exist. I wanted to give you visuals. Things to see from the past. We went through eras of history, you and I, together. I had fun writing that book.

The last one, the last exploration so far of the world building and character arcs of the two/three worlds I’ve built over ten+ years as an author—that would be ATONIA—LET IT BLEED. We take our established favorites and throw them into a crazy, chaotic situation and they have to figure out how to fix it. AND they got other people to babysit. [Laughs.] It’s a hoot. That’s for sure. It also leads you into the last novel I will probably put out for a while if I ever get all the chapters done on it. It’s a different type of book from the rest of them. I started that thing in 2011 and knew nothing of building worlds.

To say that I was nervous about it is an understatement. Back then it was seven fast chapters. Someone advised me to slow it down so I did. It was so messy over the years because my brain wouldn’t let me iron out all the kinks in it. I think a few years ago, I finally figured out the style that worked for the chapters to start working. I wrote most of them. It’s only down to a few left. This year, however, my brain isn’t working properly enough to think about Monty and his malarkey. [Yeah. Back to that.]

Let’s circle back to a conclusion for this post. I tend to write my female characters into women who can end up taking care of or protecting themselves and those around them. I try to be that person in real life. I want my characters to be that too. Be the best badasses they can. Save who needs saving, get the bad guys, try not to hurt anyone in the process. Unless you’re Holly and your ‘give a fuck’ button is broken and you need a redo. On that one, *IYKYK. [*If you know you know] Also, even though she is technically not the main character of the Revenging the Evil series, she was one of my favorite badasses to write.

Frankly, they all were. Every single one of the women characters I’ve written, for whatever reason, I enjoyed something about them. Even if they ended up stabbing someone to death. I bet it was justified.

Jennifer Oneal Gunn

View more on Jennifer Oneal Gunn's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on October 25, 2023 14:36

Autism and Acceptance

This article is more of an advocate/ally article than an educational piece, so if you will bear with me, I will tell the story of how I learned about Autism and how I learned to be an advocate/ally of those folks who might need a little extra helping hand when things get overwhelming for reasons—at the time—I didn’t used to understand.

I have a friend, let’s call her KelinRose for the sake of anonymity. KelinRose is a woman who grew up being mentally and sometimes psychically abused by people in her life that didn’t understand she was different than other kids. (Not excusing this at all, just explaining.) They all thought she was just stupid, not having issues learning because she learned differently than others. Back then, people were cruel about things they didn’t understand and there was no real information about Autism. Their lack of information was never an accuse for excessive cruelty toward a kid they didn’t understand. I digress. There is so much more to her story than just her home life. Of course, being bullied in school and tortured that way was also not okay.

Anyway, she grew up and met and married a good man who knew what he was dealing with when he got together with her because he also had Autism in his family. Now, I know what you might be thinking. Autism isn’t just nonverbal screaming and running away. There is so much more, that’s why they call it a spectrum. As far as I know, my friend was never nonverbal, at least with me. She went on in this marriage to have two kids who also have Autism, both differing degrees of the spectrum. Again, no nonverbal types. Both of her boys talk just fine, but they both have their different Autism quirks about them. (I won’t talk about them specifically right now.) This family was 2/3 Autism folks and they lived together a long time before her husband finally succumbed to cancer a few years ago. This hit them hard and it still does.

One marker that I’ve noticed about a lot of people, Autism spectrum or possible undiagnosed individuals, is they don’t like change. Sometimes to the point that it can make them angry, sad, and overwhelmed easily. When overwhelmed sometimes some of them can have a lot of meltdowns. I used to think (because I was ignorant as to why) these meltdowns were a kid a throwing a tantrum. No. That’s not what it is. They get frustrated easier than other people. If you know someone who this happens with, it’s easier to have a little patience. I grew to understand that he didn’t have those meltdowns because he was being childish, it was because he gets overwhelmed easier than people without Autism will. At his age, he was a teen at the time, it’s easy to imagine that he’s just being bratty and that wasn’t it at all.

Remember how I said a person with Autism hates change? Imagine losing your dad, the one person who helped keep you calm when you can’t keep yourself calm and your mom can’t help either. Imagine knowing he’s not coming back and he can’t be there with you anymore. This big change happened. You don’t know how to react to that on a normal day usually. It hurts but you express the hurt, you cry usually. A lot and for days. What if you can’t do that because you don’t express emotions the same way atypical people do? All of this scared KelinRose when it started happening because she was also overwhelmed and grieving her husband’s loss and her older son did what he always did, lived the life of a recluse. (This happened to be his way of dealing with life, shutting the world away. Probably so he could think clearer.)

I met this kind soul when I was working with a vanity press toward the start of my career as a writer and freelance editor/formatter. She had trouble telling people things and standing up for herself with publishers and around others generally. I think her husband used to protect her and make sure a lot of crazy stuff didn’t happen, except in publishing. That’s where a friend of mine and I helped her when we found out how things were going. We got her and a few others together and a mass exodus happened at that vanity press. I think her husband was still alive at that time and he probably gave her the strength to come away from that place with us. She always thought she failed when in reality, so many people are proud of her for doing something she loved. There were two sides to her publishing story with those people and the next publisher she went to that I helped her get back away from. After that, I personally didn’t trust anyone else to help her with her books. I didn’t want her getting tied up with another mess. (I am also protective of my friends.) I helped her publish two YA fantasy books and made a cool website for her to promote them, but life gets in the way of the spirit of writing sometimes. This doesn’t mean I’m not proud of her for trying because I am.

I digress once again. She taught me everything I know about how to interact and treat folks with different types of Autism. She is a kind hearted person who likes nerdy things like D&D and Anime. She likes making crafts for folks to buy. She goes to Cons. She is probably a bit of a gamer. (Like her youngest son.)

I’ve cried with this woman and been angry on her behalf many times. We’ve told each so many stories I can’t remember them all. AND we’ve laughed a lot over the years. She used to cheer me up by sending me the most horrid book covers she could find on the Internet because she knew I would laugh until I cried. This is a person who has had Autism and ADHD all her life. She is also a lovely, giving, kind soul who deserves to be loved and have friendships with people too.

I will never forget what she’s taught me about a subject I barely knew about before I met her. I will always be an advocate/ally for those who need me. She needed me back then. I needed her too.

Jennifer Oneal Gunn

View more on Jennifer Oneal Gunn's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on October 12, 2023 07:54

Back to the Magic Shop

The term “neurodivergent” describes people whose brain differences affect how their brain works. That means they have different strengths and challenges from people whose brains don’t have those differences. The possible differences include medical disorders, learning disabilities and other conditions. [1]

What does a neurodivergent person act like?

Neurodivergent individuals often experience differences in mental function, learning styles, sensory processing, communication styles and behaviors. They may struggle with soft skills such as emotional intelligence, social interactions or the ability to work effectively in a group. [2]

What conditions count as neurodivergent?

Generally speaking, to be neurodivergent means to have a type of brain that differs from the neuro-majority, says Kaye-O’Connor.

“I think of it as having a different operating system, so a neurodivergent person would have a way of experiencing and being in a world that is different from the ‘norm,’” she explains. [3]

According to the Internet, anxiety is also considered to be Neurodivergent. To be diagnosed with this new umbrella term you could have autism, ADHD, and a whole array of mental disorders. I self-identify as someone who has sensory issues and anxiety. I used to have severe depression and anger issues as well.

For me, this can mean a lot of things. Sometimes when my anxiety is acting up, mentally and a bit physically, my whole body is itchy. It doesn’t matter if I go bathe and scrub off some skin that is too dry, then come out, dry off and put on the lotion. I still feel itchy all the way to my scalp those days. And can we talk about how sometimes when I have a headache, even the clicking of computer keys is tremendously loud? As is the creaking of floorboards and dripping of faucets. I hear the hum of the fridge and car door that just slammed down the street.

I’m also a textures person with food a lot. I don’t like gritty (onions, coconut shavings), squishy (mushrooms and tomatoes), and I love soft squishy sherpa blankets and plushies. Make that make sense.

As far as the typical non-typical learning function goes, I’ve learned stuff like all the facets of how to publish books in a matter of only a few months probably compared to what it took others years and a team of people to do. I used this to do freelance work for years. (I wish the pay in that field was better. I miss my editing formatting peeps.) I had a pretty high IQ score and a pretty decent GPA for only 30 hours logged with the local community college. I did find out that I can do well learning from reading, videos, and other means. I don’t need to be sitting in a classroom taking notes for three solid hours once a week. I can learn by myself if I want to know something and can focus.

Right now, I haven’t been able to focus at all. The horrible anxiety, quitting smoking, and finally getting some energy back so I can clean the house from top to bottom, among a few emotional trials for chapter two… I’m getting some help from a doctor for the anxiety. Although the withdraws from smoking suck, they aren’t enough to make me want to retreat from the world a bit and go back to my safe place inside my heart and mind.

I think that’s because I’m used to being alone for a lot and I didn’t want to be anymore, but I trust too easily because I want to think people are better than they turn out to be. I have three sisters I chose to be my sisters. Those are the ones who know me better than anyone. Even when I’m full of shit about something. They also know how hard life has been. Perhaps they have no idea what my obsession with a boy band from Korea is really about, but it’s always been so much more than just some catchy tunes (and pretty faces) in a language I’m not too familiar with and getting to know a little at a time. (Which wouldn’t even have been possible had my mind not been open to trying to learn new things.)

The lessons I’ve learned that I carry with me are good ones. I learned a lot about loving myself and thinking about calming my mind. I learned that it’s okay to do something for me when I’m feeling sad or out of it. I learned that it’s not selfish to demand better of myself and others around me when it’s so easy to just be judgy and negative ALL the time. I learned, even though I’m alone a lot it’s okay to express emotion about that and so many other things. Sometimes, we have to let it all out and stop carrying so much of the burdens of others. I’ve always felt the world and closer to home—those around me. Their emotions don’t belong to me, so when it’s strong, I cry. I let it out and let it go. Those things aren’t mine to hold.

I came to a point in my ‘Love Yourself’ journey where I guess I invented an entire world inside my Magic Shop complete with a delusion where I was happy and in some sort of healthy loving relationship. It was safe. It wasn’t real and he would never meet me in real life, even though, in real life, he was a great comfort to me and many others. This sounds strange and probably kind of wrong, but I can tell you that this person is someone who has never hidden his anxiety and other mental health issues that he’s worked on for years. He knows the struggles we go through and knows we weren’t taught how to handle what we deal with. He would most likely say, ‘you know reality and you know it’s not real. If it brings you comfort to think of me that way, go ahead, but be careful with your mental health. And know, in the real world, we are friends and we do love you. You will be okay and one day, you will step outside of the Magic Shop and close the door forever. Make happy memories while you’re there.’ (At least, this is how I think he would advise us.)

Err on the side of caution while in your own little world, knowing why you’re there. Play and be safe, but remember, one day, you must come out of your comfort zone and fly. Much like the blue butterfly. I thought I was finally ready after three years of preparing for the flight.

When running as hard as I have been lately, things got away from me a bit and I just wanted to retreat back into my safe space. I know this isn’t a mentally stable thing to do. I’m supposed to live out here now and deal with things as they come. We should want to close that door and never go back. I had the courage to come out and look around, but I think I left too soon. I thought my wings were dry enough to unfurl and begin. I was so eager to end a hiatus in my heart and I shouldn’t have been. (If this all turns far more sideways, I will know, I made the right decision to unlock my purple door and go back inside, where I never sit by myself when shit gets hard.)

It was certainly a nice place and alternative life I created. I do miss ‘waking up’ with a person who sees me as I am and knows all the things about me that tend to intimidate or make men run. Those are excuses and he never makes excuses. It’s weird that in my head, I’ve had arguments, laughs, sweet times, and seen a world that was both wonderful and horrible at times with him. It seemed so much more real that the world we live in all the time.

Perhaps this experiment is for a reason too. One day, perhaps I will write a great love story about this place with these lovely pictures rolling through my mind and the story that goes with it. This is a thing with people with mental issues. They could have very well been using the stories they write as a means of actual therapy all these years. You write things and feelings out of your head so you can survive the day-to-day battles with depression, anxiety, fear, hatred of self, and probably a healthy dose of PTSD just to cap it all off.

I know sometimes it’s hard to find a safe space these days what with the country we live in on fire like it always seems to be. I don’t trust a lot of people either. So, if I felt safe there, it was a good place. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t always seek a safe space because I try to become that for others. Occasionally, I also need that. Depending on who you are and how close we are, you might not even know I’m not acting like myself. Right now, I’m definitely not myself and am trying to find my way back to a happier place in my heart. I didn’t use to think I deserved such a place as a Magic Shop (in reality or the fictions we make up in our heads when we disassociate.) I do know I deserve that sort of internal home and safe space.

Most of the time, I’m the one who tries to spread those vibes into the world, that I’m here for people and safe to come and sit with when people need it. Lately, it’s been difficult and my heart has been heavier. That happens when you quit doing something your body is used to having. Habits change for your health though, if you really, really want it and are as frustrated with your own self as I was.

Instead of visiting my Magic Shop with this, I had my sisters to sit with me once they knew how rough it actually was for me. I couldn’t hide from one the biggest things, being addicted to a substance that isn’t considered a hard substance by law, but eventually, it will get your body if it can. It can take you away from your family if you let it. They comforted me and helped calm me down during what I will refer to as DTs over it. I was a shaky, angry, crying, unfocused, flighty mess. Especially in those first few days.

I wanted to held or thought of by someone who had promised to be my safe place to land. Not sure I will ever know one of those in real life, so I made one up. Does it make us more or less crazy to do this so that the outside world can pass at a different pace while you heal your heart in some imaginary land that is good?

I believe it’s all part of a psychological journey I’m on. One where I learn to love myself, fix the shattered pieces (old Japanese gold in the cracks edition—meaning you’re worth more when you get fixed), becoming more than just a safe space for others, a home that I could never find out in the world because I’m home. Perhaps I’m supposed to be that to someone else. I’m still learning, still growing, and one day, perhaps I will venture out again with my heart.