Kaiylah Muhammad's Blog - Posts Tagged "depression"
That dark cloud called "Depression"
"I'm optimistic. I'm in good spirits. I'm blessed to be alive!" is what you try to tell yourself. But in the back of your mind you know it is going to come back. This phase of optimism is short lived because that dark cloud creeps back up on you. It hovers over you and keeps a close eye on you like a predator should. I've been well acquainted with this dark cloud since I was old enough to talk. Countless panic attacks, countless counseling sessions, countless nights of crying myself to sleep... And don't even make me count how many times I've self-mutilated. "But you're such a beautiful girl. What do you have to be depressed about?" Mmm I don't know... Maybe the fact that I was molested by my father when I was a preschooler. Or maybe the fact that I lost my nana when I was 8 and I had to carry the weight of knowing she was going to die because I had a dream she was going to die a week before it happened. Or maybe the fact that most of my childhood was spent being an adult because my mom was rarely home and someone had to care for my little brothers. I guess when you're "such a beautiful girl" you have not a care in the world right? WRONG! It doesn't matter how pretty you are on the outside if you feel ugly on the inside. Don't worry... This is not an invitation to a pity party. Fucked up things happen all the time, that's just life. But let me ask you something... Where does some of the greatest art come from??? PAIN! Think about it. I'm sure some of your best work came from a painful place or during a painful time in your life. You have to understand that diamonds are made under pressure and gold is tested with fire. I hate to tell you this, but that dark cloud will NEVER go away for good. Your real goal should be to figure out how you're going to use that dark cloud to make diamonds.
New levels, New devils...
New levels, NEW DEVILS...
No pain, NO GAIN...
High risk, HIGH REWARD...
We've all heard these sayings. But how many of us have the strength, or better yet the COURAGE to apply these sayings to our lives?
When you're trying to lose weight and you start working out, it's painful. You dread it. You're body is sore. But after each workout you feel better. And eventually you feel stronger. And eventually you reach your goal weight.
This is the same thing we go through spiritually when we are trying to reach a new level. It's painful. You dread it. Your spirit is sore. But if you push through the pain and the fear you will be so filled with gratitude once you reach that new level.
For the past year I've been facing more fears than I ever have. And because of that I'm now in a position where I'm forced to move to a new level and I'm TERRIFIED. Last night I cried in a bowling alley bathroom... I felt like there was thousands of voices in my head. And at first, I thought this was my spirit hurting... but it was my ego hurting. I thought I was losing myself, but I was really losing my ego. I feel like God is stripping me of my ego so my spirit can grow. I feel like God is stripping me naked to give me a confidence that comes from overcoming struggle...not a false sense of confidence that comes from praise and recognition from other people.
So the saying is true...new levels, new devils. For as long as you live you will ALWAYS have some form of struggle in order to grow........
unless you're not growing.
No pain, NO GAIN...
High risk, HIGH REWARD...
We've all heard these sayings. But how many of us have the strength, or better yet the COURAGE to apply these sayings to our lives?
When you're trying to lose weight and you start working out, it's painful. You dread it. You're body is sore. But after each workout you feel better. And eventually you feel stronger. And eventually you reach your goal weight.
This is the same thing we go through spiritually when we are trying to reach a new level. It's painful. You dread it. Your spirit is sore. But if you push through the pain and the fear you will be so filled with gratitude once you reach that new level.
For the past year I've been facing more fears than I ever have. And because of that I'm now in a position where I'm forced to move to a new level and I'm TERRIFIED. Last night I cried in a bowling alley bathroom... I felt like there was thousands of voices in my head. And at first, I thought this was my spirit hurting... but it was my ego hurting. I thought I was losing myself, but I was really losing my ego. I feel like God is stripping me of my ego so my spirit can grow. I feel like God is stripping me naked to give me a confidence that comes from overcoming struggle...not a false sense of confidence that comes from praise and recognition from other people.
So the saying is true...new levels, new devils. For as long as you live you will ALWAYS have some form of struggle in order to grow........
unless you're not growing.
