Kaiylah Muhammad's Blog - Posts Tagged "personal-growth"
Attached at the Hip
The ideal relationship for most people is to be attached at the hip....Well at least that was my idea of a perfect relationship.
First of all there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, or friendship, or family or any other relationship between two humans.
Second of all being attached at the hip is not a sure way to become close or stay close. Physical closeness to a person is not equivalent to spiritual closeness to a person....My last relationship taught me that.
We were together 24/7 not because we had such a strong spiritual connection, but because we were addicted to the physical stimulation we gave each other. But physical stimulation can only last for so long. Although that relationship was only 5 months long, it taught me more than any other relationship I've ever been in. It taught me 3 main valuable lessons about love.
Love is space. You have to give each other room to grow as individuals. I am my own person and you are your own person. We do not need to become Siamese twins in order to be close. Although your relationship with that person should be important to them, you have to understand that the relationship they have with themselves is more important.
Love is freedom. That means that being with you should never make them feel like they can't unapologetically be themselves. You should never try to fix them or make them conform to who you think they should be.
And most importantly Love is patience. When you see things that your significant other could improve on, do not lecture them or talk down to them. Just give them a gentle nudge. In a kind and non-judgmental way let them know that what they're doing could keep them from reaching their full potential. Give them time to grow. Don't expect the change to happen overnight.
Relationships can be beautiful if there is a good amount of space and respect. A relationship should be a union where two help each other grow, not hold each other hostage.
First of all there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, or friendship, or family or any other relationship between two humans.
Second of all being attached at the hip is not a sure way to become close or stay close. Physical closeness to a person is not equivalent to spiritual closeness to a person....My last relationship taught me that.
We were together 24/7 not because we had such a strong spiritual connection, but because we were addicted to the physical stimulation we gave each other. But physical stimulation can only last for so long. Although that relationship was only 5 months long, it taught me more than any other relationship I've ever been in. It taught me 3 main valuable lessons about love.
Love is space. You have to give each other room to grow as individuals. I am my own person and you are your own person. We do not need to become Siamese twins in order to be close. Although your relationship with that person should be important to them, you have to understand that the relationship they have with themselves is more important.
Love is freedom. That means that being with you should never make them feel like they can't unapologetically be themselves. You should never try to fix them or make them conform to who you think they should be.
And most importantly Love is patience. When you see things that your significant other could improve on, do not lecture them or talk down to them. Just give them a gentle nudge. In a kind and non-judgmental way let them know that what they're doing could keep them from reaching their full potential. Give them time to grow. Don't expect the change to happen overnight.
Relationships can be beautiful if there is a good amount of space and respect. A relationship should be a union where two help each other grow, not hold each other hostage.
The 5 main reasons why relationships fail...
Breakups sting, don't they? In some cases you may feel relieved that a relationship is over, but in most cases you wonder WHY? Where did we go wrong?
There are 5 main reasons why relationships end and I can guarantee you that if all 5 don't apply to your previous breakup then at least one of them will!
1.) CONTROL! CONTROL! CONTROL! When people get into a relationship they have an idea of who and how they want that person to be. And once they realize they're dating a human being with a mind of their own and not a robot that's just going to do whatever they say, they start trying to manipulate them. They honestly think that they have some magic power that's going to make that person change. What I've discovered is that the more you try to change people the more resistant they become.
Let me ask you a question... why would you want to be with someone you feel you have to change? And why would you try to change someone whom you claim to love and accept for who they are? NEWSFLASH: People can change, but you cannot change people... At least not intentionally. All you can do is express how you feel, but it's up to them to fix the issue. And if they don't you have to learn to live with it or learn to walk away.
2.) PRIDE. Now this is a tough one. When people allow their foolish pride to overshadow how they feel about that person, the relationship is headed downhill. Pride keeps people from expressing how they really feel about the person. Pride keeps people from expressing that they've been hurt by the person. And pride keeps people from apologizing & making things right when they've done the hurting.
Why do people hold on so tight to their pride? It's because they fear being vulnerable. But you have to be vulnerable with your significant other in order to become closer and grow together. You have to risk being hurt for the chance of being loved. If you're not willing to put anything out, nothing can come in.
3.) LACK OF SELF-LOVE. Isn't it sad that many relationships only begin in the first place because of lack of self-love? Because people don't love themselves they depend on another person to love them in order for them to feel complete. The flip side to this is that the relationship may start from a genuine place, but because that person lacks self-love their insecurities take over the relationship and the other person gets so fed up that they call it 'quits'.
You have to have love for self first, before you can give and receive love from others.
4.) NARCISSISM. What exactly do I mean by this? When a person only thinks "ME, ME ME!" & they forget "WE" it leads the other person to believe that they don't care. When you're in a relationship you should always feel like that person is in your corner. They should be your biggest supporter and vice versa. They should be your partner. When that person doesn't take interests in your goals and dreams nor do they try to find ways for you BOTH to grow TOGETHER then that's how you know it's a relationship where you are just there to satisfy them.
5.) MISCOMMUNICATION. & lack of communication is the same thing. You may not always be on the same page in a relationship, but as soon as you recognize this, you need to address it. Or else eventually you won't be on the same chapter or even in the same book! A lot of times when people feel a disconnect in the relationship they ignore it. This is what leads people to cheat either physically or emotionally because they feel they have to go somewhere else to get what they should be getting from their partner. But if that person was upfront with their partner and tried to work through it with their partner then that short period of disconnect will build an even stronger connection.
Don't dwell on previous relationships because what's done is done. Appreciate the lessons you learned & use them to build your next relationship :)
There are 5 main reasons why relationships end and I can guarantee you that if all 5 don't apply to your previous breakup then at least one of them will!
1.) CONTROL! CONTROL! CONTROL! When people get into a relationship they have an idea of who and how they want that person to be. And once they realize they're dating a human being with a mind of their own and not a robot that's just going to do whatever they say, they start trying to manipulate them. They honestly think that they have some magic power that's going to make that person change. What I've discovered is that the more you try to change people the more resistant they become.
Let me ask you a question... why would you want to be with someone you feel you have to change? And why would you try to change someone whom you claim to love and accept for who they are? NEWSFLASH: People can change, but you cannot change people... At least not intentionally. All you can do is express how you feel, but it's up to them to fix the issue. And if they don't you have to learn to live with it or learn to walk away.
2.) PRIDE. Now this is a tough one. When people allow their foolish pride to overshadow how they feel about that person, the relationship is headed downhill. Pride keeps people from expressing how they really feel about the person. Pride keeps people from expressing that they've been hurt by the person. And pride keeps people from apologizing & making things right when they've done the hurting.
Why do people hold on so tight to their pride? It's because they fear being vulnerable. But you have to be vulnerable with your significant other in order to become closer and grow together. You have to risk being hurt for the chance of being loved. If you're not willing to put anything out, nothing can come in.
3.) LACK OF SELF-LOVE. Isn't it sad that many relationships only begin in the first place because of lack of self-love? Because people don't love themselves they depend on another person to love them in order for them to feel complete. The flip side to this is that the relationship may start from a genuine place, but because that person lacks self-love their insecurities take over the relationship and the other person gets so fed up that they call it 'quits'.
You have to have love for self first, before you can give and receive love from others.
4.) NARCISSISM. What exactly do I mean by this? When a person only thinks "ME, ME ME!" & they forget "WE" it leads the other person to believe that they don't care. When you're in a relationship you should always feel like that person is in your corner. They should be your biggest supporter and vice versa. They should be your partner. When that person doesn't take interests in your goals and dreams nor do they try to find ways for you BOTH to grow TOGETHER then that's how you know it's a relationship where you are just there to satisfy them.
5.) MISCOMMUNICATION. & lack of communication is the same thing. You may not always be on the same page in a relationship, but as soon as you recognize this, you need to address it. Or else eventually you won't be on the same chapter or even in the same book! A lot of times when people feel a disconnect in the relationship they ignore it. This is what leads people to cheat either physically or emotionally because they feel they have to go somewhere else to get what they should be getting from their partner. But if that person was upfront with their partner and tried to work through it with their partner then that short period of disconnect will build an even stronger connection.
Don't dwell on previous relationships because what's done is done. Appreciate the lessons you learned & use them to build your next relationship :)
My Sex Problem
These damn generational curses... You go through something in your childhood and it negatively affects your adulthood. People tell you, "It happened 20 years ago, get over it." So you try to pretend like you're over it, but your behavior shows that you're not.
Consciously I know you can't use sex to get love. Consciously I know that bringing sex into the equation too early on taints the bond you're trying to build with that person. It takes away the innocence. It takes away the mystery. It takes away the mental and spiritual connection that needs to be built before getting physical.
Consciously I know these things, but subconsciously I struggle so much. Why? Because I was introduced to sex when I was a toddler. I've talked about this in the past, but I'm tired of talking about it because I hate feeling like a victim.
The truth of the matter is, it happened. And no matter how long ago it was, it still affects me to this day. Subconsciously, my perception of relationships, love and sex is really distorted.
I've never been in a relationship for more than 6 months (without breaking up). If I have great chemistry with someone and they stimulate my mind, I automatically want them to stimulate my body without allowing enough time to see what a man's intentions are. Not allowing enough time for a man to fall in love with my mind and my spirit, instead of my vagina.
Having sex too early on gives me a false sense of closeness to that person. And having sex too early on can distort that person's perception of me. I know so many women can relate to this... And I wish I could end this post with some life changing advice... And I could, but it wouldn't be real because I'm still battling this demon myself.
Consciously I know you can't use sex to get love. Consciously I know that bringing sex into the equation too early on taints the bond you're trying to build with that person. It takes away the innocence. It takes away the mystery. It takes away the mental and spiritual connection that needs to be built before getting physical.
Consciously I know these things, but subconsciously I struggle so much. Why? Because I was introduced to sex when I was a toddler. I've talked about this in the past, but I'm tired of talking about it because I hate feeling like a victim.
The truth of the matter is, it happened. And no matter how long ago it was, it still affects me to this day. Subconsciously, my perception of relationships, love and sex is really distorted.
I've never been in a relationship for more than 6 months (without breaking up). If I have great chemistry with someone and they stimulate my mind, I automatically want them to stimulate my body without allowing enough time to see what a man's intentions are. Not allowing enough time for a man to fall in love with my mind and my spirit, instead of my vagina.
Having sex too early on gives me a false sense of closeness to that person. And having sex too early on can distort that person's perception of me. I know so many women can relate to this... And I wish I could end this post with some life changing advice... And I could, but it wouldn't be real because I'm still battling this demon myself.
Does someone else's success equal our failure?
Does someone else's success equal our failure? Of course the answer is no... but why do so many of us feel this way? If we see someone flourishing in the same field as us, instead of giving that person their props we try to downplay what they're doing. And we do this because we're not completely secure in our abilities. We have this mentality where there can only be one at the top. We have this mentality where if we compliment others on their accomplishments, it takes away from our accomplishments. If a person is more advanced than us at something, it makes us feel as though we're not good enough. Instead of being inspired by that person and admiring that person, we envy that person. The reason I keep saying "we" is because this is something I've struggled with. But there's a few things that I've realized...
1.) When you're inspired by someone or admire what they're doing, but you refuse to give them credit NO GOOD WILL COME TO YOU! The universe feels that resistance.
2.) When you downplay or speak negatively on something positive that someone is doing YOU ARE BLOCKING YOUR BLESSINGS! And talking bad about them is NOT going to stop their blessings.
3.) Last but not least... what God has for you, is FOR YOU! We all grow at different paces and we all have different paths to take even if our destination is the same.
So with that being said... spread love!!! Happy Friday :)
1.) When you're inspired by someone or admire what they're doing, but you refuse to give them credit NO GOOD WILL COME TO YOU! The universe feels that resistance.
2.) When you downplay or speak negatively on something positive that someone is doing YOU ARE BLOCKING YOUR BLESSINGS! And talking bad about them is NOT going to stop their blessings.
3.) Last but not least... what God has for you, is FOR YOU! We all grow at different paces and we all have different paths to take even if our destination is the same.
So with that being said... spread love!!! Happy Friday :)
New levels, New devils...
New levels, NEW DEVILS...
No pain, NO GAIN...
High risk, HIGH REWARD...
We've all heard these sayings. But how many of us have the strength, or better yet the COURAGE to apply these sayings to our lives?
When you're trying to lose weight and you start working out, it's painful. You dread it. You're body is sore. But after each workout you feel better. And eventually you feel stronger. And eventually you reach your goal weight.
This is the same thing we go through spiritually when we are trying to reach a new level. It's painful. You dread it. Your spirit is sore. But if you push through the pain and the fear you will be so filled with gratitude once you reach that new level.
For the past year I've been facing more fears than I ever have. And because of that I'm now in a position where I'm forced to move to a new level and I'm TERRIFIED. Last night I cried in a bowling alley bathroom... I felt like there was thousands of voices in my head. And at first, I thought this was my spirit hurting... but it was my ego hurting. I thought I was losing myself, but I was really losing my ego. I feel like God is stripping me of my ego so my spirit can grow. I feel like God is stripping me naked to give me a confidence that comes from overcoming struggle...not a false sense of confidence that comes from praise and recognition from other people.
So the saying is true...new levels, new devils. For as long as you live you will ALWAYS have some form of struggle in order to grow........
unless you're not growing.
No pain, NO GAIN...
High risk, HIGH REWARD...
We've all heard these sayings. But how many of us have the strength, or better yet the COURAGE to apply these sayings to our lives?
When you're trying to lose weight and you start working out, it's painful. You dread it. You're body is sore. But after each workout you feel better. And eventually you feel stronger. And eventually you reach your goal weight.
This is the same thing we go through spiritually when we are trying to reach a new level. It's painful. You dread it. Your spirit is sore. But if you push through the pain and the fear you will be so filled with gratitude once you reach that new level.
For the past year I've been facing more fears than I ever have. And because of that I'm now in a position where I'm forced to move to a new level and I'm TERRIFIED. Last night I cried in a bowling alley bathroom... I felt like there was thousands of voices in my head. And at first, I thought this was my spirit hurting... but it was my ego hurting. I thought I was losing myself, but I was really losing my ego. I feel like God is stripping me of my ego so my spirit can grow. I feel like God is stripping me naked to give me a confidence that comes from overcoming struggle...not a false sense of confidence that comes from praise and recognition from other people.
So the saying is true...new levels, new devils. For as long as you live you will ALWAYS have some form of struggle in order to grow........
unless you're not growing.
Social media is my self-esteem
It’s really crazy how the amount of likes, views and reposts you get on social media, can negatively or positively affect your self-esteem. We base our importance off of how other people view us more than ever because of social media. And granted every human wants attention, but the fact that how we feel about ourselves is based on how other people feel about us is soooo unhealthy. I keep saying "we" because I’m not excluded. This is something I struggle with too.
For people who didn’t get much attention as a child, maybe were bullied & picked on, maybe had an absent parent or perhaps had both parents, but didn’t receive much attention or affection from them... social media may be a way for them to fill that void.
The problem is when you stop getting as much attention. You stop getting as many likes. You stop getting as many comments. Then what? You start to feel like that insecure unloved child again. I’m speaking from personal experience.
So it’s important to view yourself, from your own eyes and not from the eyes of other people. But how do you do that? Well the first thing to remember is that social media is meant for connecting with other people. It should not be used as a way to fill a void from your childhood. It should not be used as a way to boost your self-esteem. It should not be used as a way to feed your ego.
Your importance as a person does not come from likes and followers. Although it may feel that way sometimes, you have to remember it's all an illusion. People who believe that their value comes from that, have a false sense of security.
For people who didn’t get much attention as a child, maybe were bullied & picked on, maybe had an absent parent or perhaps had both parents, but didn’t receive much attention or affection from them... social media may be a way for them to fill that void.
The problem is when you stop getting as much attention. You stop getting as many likes. You stop getting as many comments. Then what? You start to feel like that insecure unloved child again. I’m speaking from personal experience.
So it’s important to view yourself, from your own eyes and not from the eyes of other people. But how do you do that? Well the first thing to remember is that social media is meant for connecting with other people. It should not be used as a way to fill a void from your childhood. It should not be used as a way to boost your self-esteem. It should not be used as a way to feed your ego.
Your importance as a person does not come from likes and followers. Although it may feel that way sometimes, you have to remember it's all an illusion. People who believe that their value comes from that, have a false sense of security.
