Kaiylah Muhammad's Blog - Posts Tagged "inspirational"

"I'm optimistic. I'm in good spirits. I'm blessed to be alive!" is what you try to tell yourself. But in the back of your mind you know it is going to come back. This phase of optimism is short lived because that dark cloud creeps back up on you. It hovers over you and keeps a close eye on you like a predator should. I've been well acquainted with this dark cloud since I was old enough to talk. Countless panic attacks, countless counseling sessions, countless nights of crying myself to sleep... And don't even make me count how many times I've self-mutilated. "But you're such a beautiful girl. What do you have to be depressed about?" Mmm I don't know... Maybe the fact that I was molested by my father when I was a preschooler. Or maybe the fact that I lost my nana when I was 8 and I had to carry the weight of knowing she was going to die because I had a dream she was going to die a week before it happened. Or maybe the fact that most of my childhood was spent being an adult because my mom was rarely home and someone had to care for my little brothers. I guess when you're "such a beautiful girl" you have not a care in the world right? WRONG! It doesn't matter how pretty you are on the outside if you feel ugly on the inside. Don't worry... This is not an invitation to a pity party. Fucked up things happen all the time, that's just life. But let me ask you something... Where does some of the greatest art come from??? PAIN! Think about it. I'm sure some of your best work came from a painful place or during a painful time in your life. You have to understand that diamonds are made under pressure and gold is tested with fire. I hate to tell you this, but that dark cloud will NEVER go away for good. Your real goal should be to figure out how you're going to use that dark cloud to make diamonds.

Me: I QUIT! This is just too much for me to handle.

God: I'm confused...I thought this is what you wanted?

Me: It is God, but I didn't think it would be this hard.

God: Ohhh...I see. So in other words you thought I was just going to hand it to you. I've told you time and time again that I help those who help themselves and that anything worth having will not come easy. I hear a lot of people talk about what they want, but I see very few working to get it.

Me: But God I thought you said you would give me the desires of my heart!

God: I will. But first you have to EARN IT! What have you done to prove your worthiness to me? How is it fair for me to reward you when there are other people who have worked harder than you? Do you honestly feel that you are more deserving than them? If so, you are more spoiled and arrogant than I thought. Struggle builds character. I'm trying to build you, not break you. Diamonds are made under pressure. Do you want to be a diamond or a rhinestone?

Me: A diamond, God.

God: Then ACT LIKE IT! Work hard become a leader, be lazy become a SLAVE! Do you understand me?

Me: Yes sir.

P.S.- Never give up :)

The ideal relationship for most people is to be attached at the hip....Well at least that was my idea of a perfect relationship.

First of all there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, or friendship, or family or any other relationship between two humans.

Second of all being attached at the hip is not a sure way to become close or stay close. Physical closeness to a person is not equivalent to spiritual closeness to a person....My last relationship taught me that.

We were together 24/7 not because we had such a strong spiritual connection, but because we were addicted to the physical stimulation we gave each other. But physical stimulation can only last for so long. Although that relationship was only 5 months long, it taught me more than any other relationship I've ever been in. It taught me 3 main valuable lessons about love.

Love is space. You have to give each other room to grow as individuals. I am my own person and you are your own person. We do not need to become Siamese twins in order to be close. Although your relationship with that person should be important to them, you have to understand that the relationship they have with themselves is more important.

Love is freedom. That means that being with you should never make them feel like they can't unapologetically be themselves. You should never try to fix them or make them conform to who you think they should be.

And most importantly Love is patience. When you see things that your significant other could improve on, do not lecture them or talk down to them. Just give them a gentle nudge. In a kind and non-judgmental way let them know that what they're doing could keep them from reaching their full potential. Give them time to grow. Don't expect the change to happen overnight.

Relationships can be beautiful if there is a good amount of space and respect. A relationship should be a union where two help each other grow, not hold each other hostage.

These damn generational curses... You go through something in your childhood and it negatively affects your adulthood. People tell you, "It happened 20 years ago, get over it." So you try to pretend like you're over it, but your behavior shows that you're not.

Consciously I know you can't use sex to get love. Consciously I know that bringing sex into the equation too early on taints the bond you're trying to build with that person. It takes away the innocence. It takes away the mystery. It takes away the mental and spiritual connection that needs to be built before getting physical.

Consciously I know these things, but subconsciously I struggle so much. Why? Because I was introduced to sex when I was a toddler. I've talked about this in the past, but I'm tired of talking about it because I hate feeling like a victim.

The truth of the matter is, it happened. And no matter how long ago it was, it still affects me to this day. Subconsciously, my perception of relationships, love and sex is really distorted.

I've never been in a relationship for more than 6 months (without breaking up). If I have great chemistry with someone and they stimulate my mind, I automatically want them to stimulate my body without allowing enough time to see what a man's intentions are. Not allowing enough time for a man to fall in love with my mind and my spirit, instead of my vagina.

Having sex too early on gives me a false sense of closeness to that person. And having sex too early on can distort that person's perception of me. I know so many women can relate to this... And I wish I could end this post with some life changing advice... And I could, but it wouldn't be real because I'm still battling this demon myself.

Does someone else's success equal our failure? Of course the answer is no... but why do so many of us feel this way? If we see someone flourishing in the same field as us, instead of giving that person their props we try to downplay what they're doing. And we do this because we're not completely secure in our abilities. We have this mentality where there can only be one at the top. We have this mentality where if we compliment others on their accomplishments, it takes away from our accomplishments. If a person is more advanced than us at something, it makes us feel as though we're not good enough. Instead of being inspired by that person and admiring that person, we envy that person. The reason I keep saying "we" is because this is something I've struggled with. But there's a few things that I've realized...

1.) When you're inspired by someone or admire what they're doing, but you refuse to give them credit NO GOOD WILL COME TO YOU! The universe feels that resistance.

2.) When you downplay or speak negatively on something positive that someone is doing YOU ARE BLOCKING YOUR BLESSINGS! And talking bad about them is NOT going to stop their blessings.

3.) Last but not least... what God has for you, is FOR YOU! We all grow at different paces and we all have different paths to take even if our destination is the same.

So with that being said... spread love!!! Happy Friday :)

New levels, NEW DEVILS...

No pain, NO GAIN...

High risk, HIGH REWARD...

We've all heard these sayings. But how many of us have the strength, or better yet the COURAGE to apply these sayings to our lives?

When you're trying to lose weight and you start working out, it's painful. You dread it. You're body is sore. But after each workout you feel better. And eventually you feel stronger. And eventually you reach your goal weight.

This is the same thing we go through spiritually when we are trying to reach a new level. It's painful. You dread it. Your spirit is sore. But if you push through the pain and the fear you will be so filled with gratitude once you reach that new level.

For the past year I've been facing more fears than I ever have. And because of that I'm now in a position where I'm forced to move to a new level and I'm TERRIFIED. Last night I cried in a bowling alley bathroom... I felt like there was thousands of voices in my head. And at first, I thought this was my spirit hurting... but it was my ego hurting. I thought I was losing myself, but I was really losing my ego. I feel like God is stripping me of my ego so my spirit can grow. I feel like God is stripping me naked to give me a confidence that comes from overcoming struggle...not a false sense of confidence that comes from praise and recognition from other people.

So the saying is true...new levels, new devils. For as long as you live you will ALWAYS have some form of struggle in order to grow........

unless you're not growing.