Standing at the altar in a tux or a flowing white gown, it’s easy to imagine keeping God at the center of your marriage. Always. Forever. Until death do you part.

What we can’t imagine is it’s not usually death that “parts” us, at least not in the daily sense of the word. It’s hectic schedules, tension around finances, differing ideas about how often to have sex, and misunderstandings—as in the deeply relatable conversation we just had on the podcast about why it’s important not to take silence personally.

Sometimes, in the stress of daily life, God gets a bit crowded out. For my readers of faith, today’s blog is aimed at how to not let that happen.

This piece actually grew out of a question Jeff and I were asked during the Q & A time at a recent marriage retreat. One woman asked: “What does it look like to put God at the center of marriage?”

In the moment, I shared one particular example (#1 below). But her question got me thinking. How does an abstract concept like ‘Keep God at the center of marriage’ become practical? How do we pull this off when we’re legitimately hurt or disappointed? When day-to-day stress tries to crowd out the centrality of God?

Here are five suggestions, rooted in both research and scripture.  

# 1: Take the first step of humility with your spouse—even when you don’t want to.

It’s the kindness of the Lord that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). When we keep Him “at the center” we’ll remember His kindness to us, and we’ll extend it to our spouse. Even when we really, really don’t feel like it.

I told a story in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages of an author friend who scratches her husband’s back every night. It’s just their thing—a simple act of love.

But what happens when she is upset or mad at him? She said she would sometimes be lying there in bed, fuming, staring at the ceiling, mentally refusing to reach over and scratch his back. What does it look like for her to put God at the center of her marriage in that moment? Out of an agape love that she doesn’t feel right then, she makes her hand move toward her husband and gently scratch his back. She takes the first step toward reconciliation.

Their pattern lines up with our research findings that, among highly happy couples, 69% report that when one spouse takes the initiative to soften or “make up” first, the other spouse generally responds.

In my friend’s case, even when she and her husband are at odds, she decides to let him know he is loved. If you think about it, isn’t that what God did for us in sending Jesus?

#2: Look for ways you can “go beyond” to give and serve.

I’ll start with the caveats. I’m not saying work yourself to the bone, live without boundaries, or become a doormat.

But to keep God—and all He embodied on earth in Jesus—in the center of our marriage, it’s vital to remember that He went out of His way for others. He inconvenienced Himself. He washed feet. He poured Himself out for people. Including people who didn’t deserve it.

As imperfect humans, there’s no way for us to do this perfectly. But we can look for ways we can serve our spouse:

Iron his shirt for tomorrow even though it’s late and you’re both tired.Fill her gas tank when you back her car out of the garage and notice it’s close to E.Take the kids out for breakfast early on a Saturday to let your spouse sleep in.Show interest when your spouse wants to talk by setting your phone down, muting the TV, and listening/asking questions.Initiate intimacy because it’s been a while, and you can guess your spouse is feeling lonely.Watch for all the ways he or she serves you and say thank you, rather than letting those things go unnoticed.# 3: Pray for your spouse when you want to complain

I want to dig into a surprising finding here—one that that might forever influence how you view the idea of praying for your spouse. As I tell audiences all the time (and as I wrote in The Kindness Challenge), when we vent our anger to others, we’re actually building up steam rather than blowing off steam.

What does this have to do with prayer?

In those moments when we’re upset, we have a clear choice: We can talk about our spouse, or we can talk to God about our spouse.

We can vent (even if it’s just to ourselves) or invite. One turns up the heat in our hearts. The other invites a loving God, who, in all wisdom, knows how to restore and heal the pain points in our marriages.

# 4: Guard time together, just the two of you.

I’ve written before about the panic my daughter experienced as a teenager when she learned in a high school psychology class that “marriage date nights were essential if a couple didn’t want to divorce.”

Why was she panicked?

Jeff and I didn’t do many date nights in those years of speaking, writing books, and raising kids. But we did (and still do) make time to have coffee and reconnect many mornings. We love that time together. We wouldn’t trade it.

Your time together may not look like a conventional “date night.” The important thing is that you spend time together—even if it’s hanging out on the back porch after the kids go to bed.

What does this have to do with putting God at the center of your marriage? Well, think about it: How can God possibly be in the center of our marriages if we’re not working toward the oneness God created for marriage?

In our research among very happy couples, 83% of them hang out with their spouse at least weekly—a survey finding in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages that seemed to return our teenage daughter’s blood pressure to 120 over 80.

# 5: Work to love God more than you love your spouse.

All of us know that marriage takes hard work. But what we often miss is that loving God requires attention and “work” as well. When Jesus (in Matthew 22) said to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind,” and “love your neighbor as yourself” he was talking not about a feeling but about a commandment. A directive of something to do toward God and neighbor. And our most important “neighbor” is our spouse!

Putting God at the center of our marriage means working to love God first. That will not just “happen.” Rather, we must make time for prayer and worship and doing whatever is necessary to keep a vibrant, daily, curious, and intentional walk with Him.

You’ve most likely seen the “marriage triangle.” Print this out or take a screen shot and make it your phone’s screen lock. Remind yourself that as we look to God and get closer to Him, we will also get closer to each other. Not because we are trying to work toward marital oneness (although that is great, too!) but because we are working to get closer to the only One who can take two imperfect people and make them one.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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