Anxious Attachment Quotes

“A securely attached child will store an internal working model of a responsive, loving, reliable care-giver, and of a self that is worthy of love and attention and will bring these assumptions to bear on all other relationships. Conversely, an insecurely attached child may view the world as a dangerous place in which other people are to be treated with great caution, and see himself as ineffective and unworthy of love. These assumptions are relatively stable and enduring: those built up in the early years of life are particularly persistent and unlikely to be modified by subsequent experience.”
― Jeremy Holmes, John Bowlby and Attachment Theory

“Bowlby uses the notion of faulty internal working models to describe different patterns of neurotic attachment. He sees the basic problem of 'anxious attachment" as that of maintaining attachment with a care-giver who is unpredictable or rejecting. Here the internal working model will be based not on accurate representation of the self and others, but on coping, in which the care-giver must be accommodated to. The two basic strategies here are those of avoidance or adherence, which lead to avoidant or ambivalent attachment.”
― Jeremy Holmes, John Bowlby and Attachment Theory

“I think about you all the time. I hear your voice in my head, I rehearse conversations with you, I talk to myself, and imagine I’m talking to you. And I wish you felt like this about me, but I know you don’t and I don’t think you ever will. I think you’re happy giving people your scraps. I think that’s easy for you, and I don’t blame you, because I hate being like this, and I wish I was more like you.”
― Eliza Clark, Boy Parts

“The key to finding a mate who can fulfill those needs is to first fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship - and to believe that they are legitimate. They aren't good or bad, they are simply your needs. Don't let people make you feel guilty for acting "needy" or dependent." Don't be ashamed of feeling incomplete when you're not in a relationship, or for wanting to be close to your partner and to depend on him.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller

“Human beings are a species evolved for secure connection with others--that's just human biology & neuroscience.
But some of us wonder if we can feel secure without being abandoned
&
some of us wonder if we can feel secure without being overwhelmed.
Some of us a little of both.”
― Allyson Dinneen, Notes From Your Therapist

“For AVPs, if they find that they are upset and see a caring spouse become upset with them, it is a release. However, since these are repeated patterns and no stable patterns are maintained, the spouse often becomes more anxious and does hold this anxiety. The AVP is able to see this, at some level. The increased agitation has the effect of keeping the spouse preoccupied and more distant. Nothing is seemingly moving forward. The spouse, like the AVP, can become stuck. June and Doug can both be anxious, distant, or preoccupied. Avoidants have found that they can transfer some of their avoidant and angry responses to other family members. In doing this, their intention is to transfer some of their anxieties to another person to act out or hold for them. This can occur due to living together or can be part of the AVP’s messages that a family member hears and then displays. This effect of transferred anxieties can be experienced by the children, the spouse, and maybe even the family pets. The AVP’s inability to positively confront situations produces many scenarios. Unfortunately, this can often produce in others a negative image of the person acting on behalf of the AVP. This, at some level, registers for the AVP, and shame and guilt become the results of this active/passive position.”
― Dr. Sandra Smith-Hanen, Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder

“Întotdeauna am avut grijă să am o grijă. Sunt omul care s-a culcat și s-a trezit cu griji. Simt grijile după pielea care mă strânge și gâtul care se-nfundă. Când mai scap de câte o grijă, umerii își amintesc că există spațiu de sprijin pentru spate.
La școală grijile mele sunt ale mele, iar grijile celorlalți sunt tot ale mele. De aceea, multă vreme am fost văzută în școală ca doamna cu liste: peste tot unde mergeam eram cu lista în față, în cazul în care mai apare ceva să notez ca să nu uit.
În plan conștient, listele erau oaza mea de control, iar în subconștient, în somn, îmi măcinam dinții și dezvoltasem ticuri puțin observabile: așezatul ochelarilor pe nas, atingerea bărbiei, verificatul urechilor.
Am crescut o alergie față de colegii care stăteau: nu suportam să îi văd lâncezind la discuții superficiale sau la fumoar. Oamenii aceștia nu păreau să aibă griji, deci nu munceau, așadar nu existau.
Nu terminam un proiect că deja mă gândeam la următorul, încât devenisem dependentă, fără să știu, de făcutul a ceva, ajungând să pun cât mai multe pe listă, ca să fiu văzută și ca să îmi justific pâinea.”
― Carmen Neagu nee Eni, Tezaur de greșeli: Ghid de supraviețuire pentru profesori