Attachment Theory Quotes

“Approximately 15 to 20 percent of the population has a nervous system wired to be more sensitive. These people are more attuned to the subtleties of their environment and process that information much more deeply compared to others without this trait. While being more observant might be a survival advantage, it can also be overwhelming. Someone who is constantly aware of the subtleties of the environment and of the people around them can quickly experience sensory overload. My clients who consider themselves to be HSPs [highly sensitive persons] often report experiencing a certain type of disorganized attachment because the world itself is too much. Due to their increased sensitivity, even normal everyday events can feel too intense, too chaotic or too stimulating, leaving little respite to feel settled, safe and secure. In relationships, HSPs are often unclear as to whether what they are feeling has its origin in themselves or if their partner's feelings are creating that 'one foot on the gas, one foot on the brake' experience in their nervous system. They want to be close to people, but being close can be a sensory assault that is confusing or that dysregulates them for days.”
― Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

“...romantics are, ironically, the worst culprits for being relationship avoidant. This is for two reasons. The first being that committing to someone would mean they would have to call off the search for love, and nothing is more romantic than longing. The second is that they spend a lot of time thinking about who their partner might be, so it's hard to find the 3D version that matches who they've invented in their mind. It's less about perfection, and more about prescriptivism. They write their own version of how they think love is going to pan out, then they find it perplexing that no one seems to know the specific plot and characters other than them.”
― Dolly Alderton, Dear Dolly

“There can be a mismatch of attachment expectations.

As mentioned earlier, not all relationships have to be attachment-based, but ideally all parties involved in the relationship need to agree about this. Very painful and confusing situations can arise when one person wants a certain relationship to meet their attachment needs, but the other person does not want the same level of involvement, or if a person wants an attachment-based relationship in theory but is practically or situationally unable to provide at that level. When I see clients struggling with attachment anxiety because a partner gives mixed signals or is inconsistent in their responsiveness, support, or availability, it is important to explore whether or not they are expecting this partner to be an attachment figure for them. If they are, then it is paramount for them to dialogue with their partner about whether or not that partner wants to be in the role of an attachment figure for them, as well as honestly assessing if the partner has enough time, capacity and/or space in their life and other relationships to show up to the degree required for being polysecure together.

Some people prefer not to define their relationships, preferring to explore and experience them without labels or traditional expectations. As long as this level of ambiguity or relationship fluidity is a match for everyone involved, it can be a very liberating and satisfying way to relate with others. But when someone casts a partner in the role of attachment figure, but that person is unable or unwilling to play the part, much pain, frustration, disappointment, heartache and attachment anxiety ensues.”
― Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-monogamy

“When someone with a dismissive style starts to work on healing their insecure attachment, they must begin by no longer dismissing and distancing from themselves. This requires that they no longer deny their desires and needs, allowing the longings and wants for connection that have for so long been forbidden. When someone functioning from a dismissive style starts to allow their attachment system to come back online, it can initially be a very tender, raw and even overwhelming process. The skills that come with being able to identify your own feelings are part of a developmental process that takes time. The process of allowing feelings as they arise, learning how to self-soothe and establishing an inner trust that experiencing feelings is safe, cannot be rushed.

For the dismissive style, the journey from insecure to secure attachment is one of returning to the body through bringing feelings and sensations back to life and learning how to be with oneself in this process. Once this is established, the risk of then leaning into others, revealing one's internal world, and dismantling the self-reliant exoskeleton through asking for help and care from others can begin.”
― Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

“The mother‘s relationship to her daughter not only forms the earliest, if not primary, foundation for how the daughter formulates her sense of self, but is the basic template for her understanding of how relationships work in the world.”
― Peg Streep, Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt – An Eye-Opening Resource on the Cultural Taboo of Maternal Behavior and Psychological Effects

“A child with a secure attachment style will likely grow up into an adult who feels worthy of love and seeks to create meaningful, healthy relationships with people who are physically and emotionally available. Securely functioning adults are comfortable with intimacy, closeness, and their need or desire for others. They don't fear losing their sense of self or being engulfed by the relationship. For securely attached people, 'dependency' is not a dirty word, but a fact of life that can be experienced without losing or compromising the self.

Conversely, securely functioning adults are also comfortable with their independence and personal autonomy. They may miss their partners when they're not together, but inside they feel fundamentally alright with themselves when they're alone. They also feel minimal fear of abandonment when temporarily separated from their partner.”
― Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

“The good news: We can start practicing new skills in life anytime we want. Here are some examples of things I'm always practicing:
1. How to say what I mean, as simply as possible, and not make people guess (even if I think they should).
2. How to reach out when I want to shut down.
3. How to just let myself feel sad, lonely, confused, a mess, when I would rather do this thing I always do and check out.
4. How to not be impatient or careless with the feelings of people I love.
5. How to listen and not try to solve someone else's problems.
6. How to take a break when I'm overwhelmed, and promise to return to the conversation a little later.”
― Allyson Dinneen, Notes From Your Therapist: Essential Insights from Mental Health Therapy on Emotional Well-Being and Nurturing Relationships

“The psychical energy model is, therefore, a theoretical model brought by Freud to psychoanalysis: it is in no way a model derived by him from the practice of psychoanalysis. Secondly...”
― John Bowlby, Attachment

“Human beings are a species evolved for secure connection with others--that's just human biology & neuroscience.
But some of us wonder if we can feel secure without being abandoned
&
some of us wonder if we can feel secure without being overwhelmed.
Some of us a little of both.”
― Allyson Dinneen, Notes From Your Therapist: Essential Insights from Mental Health Therapy on Emotional Well-Being and Nurturing Relationships

“Finding your voice after years of silence is probably one of the most difficult things to do. But it can also be one of the most liberating things to do!”
― Boadi Moore, Healing Your Attachment Wounds: A Guide to Healing What's Hidden in Your Attachment Style and Relationships

“What plays out in our minds acts out in our bodies, and vice versa. There is sufficient scientific evidence supporting this concept.”
― Boadi Moore, Healing Your Attachment Wounds: A Guide to Healing What's Hidden in Your Attachment Style and Relationships

“Sometimes, however, unmet attachment needs have a positive impact on future relationships, if those later friendships are experienced as second chances. Eager to love and be loved, eager to meet those basic needs for caring and affiliation, children can make up for those unmet needs by being outgoing, having strong leadership qualities, and becoming devoted friends. So insecurely attached children are not doomed to a life of desperation, withdrawal, clinging, aggression, or insecurity, but they may need some additional help negotiating the complex terrain of the social world. The deeper a child’s unmet need, the harder it may be to ever have it filled later on. Expecting rejection, neglect, or smothering, the child may respond to peers with passivity, withdrawal, or aggression. Children who are afraid to assert their own needs may follow along with whatever the friend or the group says.”
― Michael G. Thompson, Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children

“One word I often hear that defines an anxious-avoidant trap is “unsatisfying.” The relationship is not trauma bonded. However, without both partners making an emotional investment into cultivating healthier ways of building and maintaining intimacy, the relationship can devolve into a toxic one, or a trauma bond.”
― Annie Tanasugarn

“One of the biggest impacts on intimacy is fear. Fears surrounding intimacy can result in a push-pull dynamic because of differing attachment needs between anxious and avoidant partners. If your fears surround being left behind or rejected by your partner, you may be living with a more anxious attachment style.”
― Annie Tanasugarn

“In romantic relationships, people-pleasing tendencies tend to walk hand in hand with trying too hard to please your partner, with an overemphasis on proving your value and worth.”
― Annie Tanasugarn, PhD

“I believe the most important elements in a healthy relationship are communication, compromise, and consistency.”
― Annie Tanasugarn, PhD, The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Overcome the Push and Pull of Different Attachment Styles in Your Relationship and Build Lasting Connection

“Healthy communication is not simply superficial chitchat; it involves honest feelings on topics that may be triggering to one or both partners.”
― Annie Tanasugarn, PhD, The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Overcome the Push and Pull of Different Attachment Styles in Your Relationship and Build Lasting Connection

“If you have been holding out for a partnership that is void of any conflict or differences, one simply does not exist.”
― Annie Tanasugarn, PhD, The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Overcome the Push and Pull of Different Attachment Styles in Your Relationship and Build Lasting Connection

“Thirdly and most important, the psychical energy model is logically unrelated to the concepts that Freud, and everyone since, regards as truly central to psychoanalysis—the role of unconscious mental processes, repression as a process actively keeping them unconscious, transference as a main determinant of behaviour, the origin of neurosis in childhood trauma. Not one of these concepts bears any intrinsic relation to a psychical energy model; and when this model is discarded all four remain intact and unchanged. The psychical energy model is a possible model for explaining the data to which Freud drew attention: it is certainly not a necessary one.”
― John Bowlby, Attachment

“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward.”
― Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

“The study demonstrates that when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response. How can we be expected to maintain a high level of differentiation between ourselves and our partners if our basic biology is influenced by them to such an extent?”
― Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

“An abusive relationship typically includes choices in partners who have histories of destructive and narcissistic behavior, and who commonly struggle with their own mental health or addictions, leaving you at risk for continuing a caregiver role. Abusive and trauma-bonded relationships are characterized by intense highs and lows, severe enmeshment, loss of identity, coercive control, and cycles of abuse and manipulation, followed by intermittent calm.”
― Annie Tanasugarn

“There are three defining factors that distinguish unavoidable conflict seen in healthy relationships from conflict seen in a push-pull dynamic, toxic relationship, or trauma bond. All three can erode intimacy. They are: the frequency of the conflict, the intensity of the conflict, and whether each partner is solution-focused.”
― Annie Tanasugarn

“If you are more avoidantly attached, emotional intimacy is often seen as something you simultaneously want but fear. Many who are more avoidantly attached are drawn to the intensity and newness of the early stages of a relationship. Yet, they often start pumping the brakes when the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate.”
― Annie Tanasugarn, PhD, The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Overcome the Push and Pull of Different Attachment Styles in Your Relationship and Build Lasting Connection

“An abusive relationship typically includes choices in partners who have histories of destructive and narcissistic behavior, and who commonly struggle with their own mental health or addictions, leaving you at risk for continuing a caregiver role. Abusive and trauma-bonded relationships are characterized by intense highs and lows, severe enmeshment, loss of identity, coercive control, and cycles of abuse and manipulation, followed by intermittent calm.”
― Annie Tanasugarn, PhD, The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Overcome the Push and Pull of Different Attachment Styles in Your Relationship and Build Lasting Connection

“We all need strong roots and a warm climate to branch out and thrive.”
― VIVIEN L. VITTI

“Your attachment style becomes less important than the tools you use to help yourself feel more secure within your relationships.”
― Annie Tanasugarn, PhD, The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Overcome the Push and Pull of Different Attachment Styles in Your Relationship and Build Lasting Connection

“Your parents may have taught you what love is by showing you what love is not.”
― Annie Tanasugarn, PhD

“Self-abandonment is a pattern of neglecting your own emotional and physical needs in order to ‘keep the peace’ with others.”
― Annie Tanasugarn, PhD, The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Overcome the Push and Pull of Different Attachment Styles in Your Relationship and Build Lasting Connection

“If you or your partner are resorting to surrendering your needs for the sake of maintaining your relationship, take note that these are signs of people-pleasing behavior and self-betrayal, not compromise.”
― Annie Tanasugarn, PhD, The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Overcome the Push and Pull of Different Attachment Styles in Your Relationship and Build Lasting Connection