British Humour Quotes

“And now for something completely different . . . ”
― John Cleese

“What the hell. If you had to go, why not go with style?”
― Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“And this? Aldhelm of Malmesbury. Listen to this page: 'Primitus pantorum procerum poematorum pio potissimum paternoque presertim privilegio panegiricum poemataque passim prosatori sub polo promulgatas.' ... The words all begin with the same letter!"

"The men of my islands are all a bit mad," William said proudly.”
― Umberto Eco, The Name of the Rose

“My eyes must spend at least fifty per cent of any given day rolled to the back of my head.”
― Candice Carty-Williams, Queenie

“They’d never get here in time. It’s easy. A lobotomized monkey could do it.” “And where are we going to find a lobotomized monkey at this time of night?”
― Jasper Fforde, The Eyre Affair

“If caring about whether you live or die makes me an arse, then I’m the biggest arse in Great Britain, and proud of it.”
― Stephanie R. Caffrey, Mistaken Identity

“The corporal said, “Place called Brest. Not the kind of name I’d like to call a town, myself, but that’s the way these Froggies are. Officer said to go there if we got cut off, and we’d get the lorry shipped back home from there.”
― Nevil Shute, Pied Piper

“Catherine said, "There's something I don't get."

Ho waited.

"You're telling us you've got friends?”
― Mick Herron, Slow Horses

“She deigned to asked me how ice queens reproduce. I grinned, and her mother looked horrified.
“We procreate by way of ice cubes, of course. We put them in our nests and let them incubate for the period of about four months, and when the temperature is right, we put them out to roost and let them flake off into billions of snowflakes, rather like tadpoles breaking in droves from their eggs. And that, child,” I said, with a simulacrum of glee, “is how winter is born.”
“Does it hurt?”
“No more than the approach of Monday does to most of the world. It is a natural process, you understand, but it is dreadful hard work.”
― Michelle Franklin

“Nothing is
eternal.
Everything else
is not.”
― Will Advise

“Mrs. Woodfidley was inviting the guests to assemble for drinks, which were being handed out by Mr. Woodfidley and Garson from a long table in the bay window. The bottles and glasses had been visible from the first and their serried ranks must have drawn longing glances from more persons than herself - it would have been so much easier to sing and talk if even a single drink had been given one at the start of the party. But now she had guessed that the party was organized in set figures, like a formal country dance, and that the delay in serving drinks must be due to this plan. The figure in which drinks were consumed had just begun; it would succeeded by another after a fixed interval of time, and therefore she had better make sure of a drink before the music changed.”
― Elizabeth Fair, A Winter Away

“Youir're doing this wrong.”
― Will Advise

“If there is one pleasure on earth which surpasses all others, it is leaving a play before the end. I might perhaps except the joy of taking tickets for a play, dining well, sitting on after dinner, and finally not going at all. That, of course, is very heaven.”
― Angela Thirkell, High Rising

“He's so fucking crooked he sleeps on a spiral staircase!”
― Dylan Moran, Dylan Moran Live - What It Is

“The Penultimate Hotel by Stewart Stafford

Enter sluggishly into the lobby,
A banquet is in progress in the restaurant,
They’re regurgitating reality from within,
And then eating their young.

An apocalyptic porter has radioactive cubes in the lift,
Housekeeping will have ten thousand years of light,
But the sheets in the rooms,
Will all turn to cream cheese.

The cooks in the kitchen are breaking bones and rules,
Creating a cake that stretches to infinity,
Babel babble with protesting eggs,
All baked in a hellfire oven.

The concierge gives out tips,
And tells guests they are awful and to leave,
While simultaneously tattooing diabolical potion recipes,
Inside a willing bellhop’s eyelids.

© 2021, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“It is the first day of spring. The council have chopped all the elms down in Elm Tree Avenue.”
― Sue Townsend, The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole

“Oooh friend! Football friend!”
― Jay, The Inbetweeners

“It is the first day of spring. The council have chopped all the elms down in Elm Tree Avenue”
― Sue TownsendTownsend, The secret diary of Adrian Mole aged 13¾

“It is the first day of spring. The council have chopped all the elms down in Elm Tree Avenue.”
― Sue Townsend, The secret diary of Adrian Mole aged 13¾

“It started, as many disasters do, with a long weekend in North Yorkshire.”
― Tom Cartledge, SaddleSore: From England to India

“Heroism, as I have so often discovered, is mostly a matter of turning up in the wrong place with the wrong hat, and then bluffing until everyone applauds.”
― A.R Greenhollow, The Mostly Heroic Adventures of Sir Digby Dungchunder

“It is amazing how often one may be thought heroic simply by being discovered in the wreckage afterwards.”
― A.R Greenhollow, The Secretly Heroic Adventures of Sir Digby Dungchunder

“While my companion lost his heart, I nearly lost my hat — which, in my view, was the graver peril.”
― A.R Greenhollow, The Romantically Heroic Adventures of Sir Digby Dungchunder

“A man does not ask for glory. He generally asks for a sandwich and is appalled by what follows.”
― A.R Greenhollow, The Hopelessly Heroic Adventures of Sir Digby Dungchunder

“It is one thing to scale the Himalayas for glory; quite another to do it for a flower with an unpronounceable Latin name.”
― A.R Greenhollow, The Royally Heroic Adventures of Sir Digby Dungchunder

“Diplomacy is simply war conducted with fountain pens and better tailoring.”
― A.R Greenhollow, The Varyingly Heroic Adventures of Sir Digby Dungchunder

“Cabbages may be humble, but under sufficient velocity they are extremely persuasive.”
― A.R Greenhollow, The Actually Heroic Adventures of Sir Digby Dungchunder

“If the movement has flourished, it is thanks to Baden-Powell’s vision, Dicky’s bandages, and my firm insistence on elevenses.”
― A.R Greenhollow, The Scoutingly Heroic Adventures of Sir Dungchunder

“Superpowers are unnecessary when one has a booming voice, a fine moustache, and an endless supply of puddings.”
― A.R Greenhollow, The Super Heroic Adventures of Sir Digby Dungchunder

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