Cats Humor Quotes

“Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”
― Jeff Valdez

“They say there are
Twenty-four hours in a day
But I'm only up for three of them
And two I consider overtime”
― Francesco Marciuliano, I Could Pee on This: and Other Poems by Cats

“A cat loped across my gaze with a squint-eyed, piratical look, and a suave grin.”
― William Styron

“One must love a cat on its own terms.”
― Paul Gray

“AC/DC is very easy to miao along to!”
― Jean Lowe Carlson

“If you hold a cat by the tail, you learn things you cannot learn any other way,”
― Mark Twain

“Edward admired the beauty of cats, but had learned to think of them as lithe and lethal dander-delivery systems.”
― Mary Doria Russell, Children of God

“Even cats have questions – like “Can’t you see my bowl is empty?” or “Why don’t you turn off the ***! rain now?” From their perspective we are gods!”
― Jay Woodman

“I thought the evening not wholly wasted, for Mrs. Garden, his landlady, has an interesting cat who made certain advances to me. But when Andrew patted him and called him 'Poor pussy' the intelligent animal hissed at him.
"'You mustn't be too familiar with a cat,' I advised Andrew. 'And you must speak respectfully *to* and *of* him.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Emily Climbs

“Just try it – try pulling me out by force from this basket and I swear I’ll scratch so many lines on your face you’ll be able to play checkers on it for the next three months.”
― Hiro Arikawa, The Travelling Cat Chronicles

“I am an exceptionally wise cat, but there’s no way I’m going to be part of that drama, burdened with all those depressing human relationships as they fondle me. It’s more than I want to take on.”
― Hiro Arikawa, The Travelling Cat Chronicles

“It was like hugging a cat. Not Panther, because she is unusually cuddly, but you know what I mean; sometimes they go all stiff and rigid and you know that all they want is for you to stop so that they can get back to doing their own thing.”
― Sarah Morgan, The Book Club Hotel

“All animals contain a part of God, but only the cat knows it.”
― Neel Burton, Indian Mythology and Philosophy: The Vedas, Upanishads, Bhagavad Gita, Kama Sutra… And How They Fit Together

“Amber, I can't handle twelve cats.”
― Perry Elisabeth Kirkpatrick, The 12 Cats of Christmas

“Some consider the mind of a cat a most undecipherable thing, a quagmire of selfish ambitions and impenetrable mysteries. True, the beasts don’t understand all human speech, or comprehend such intricate life enhancements as catalytic converters, microwave popcorn, or rabbit ear antennas. They don’t need to. God blessed them with far more efficient paths of communication. And it is also true that cats don’t devote themselves to servitude and submission to a human’s every whim, like dogs, for example. That’s also unnecessary. They can survive on their own, thank you very much. True, many bond to humans when it suits their purpose – or, like Sebastian, when it is ordained, because the “hairless giants,” as cats see humans, could not develop as He wills without a feline influence. But in most cases, a cat will cling to independence, as guaranteed all their kind by the Doctrine of Grakk-koth long, long, long ago.
Yes, that long.”
― Kirby Lee Davis, God's Furry Angels

“Cats do not try to be funny; they just behave as themselves which are funny by birth!”
― Mehmet Murat ildan

“I'm not crying, all right? I just have problems with corneal discharge.”
― Thomas Corfield

“[When asked, "What's the craziest thing you have in your bathroom?"]

"My cat”
― Martha Stewart

“Suddenly, Kat sat up as her neck started to vibrate. The F.U.R. communicator built into her collar rang with a sound only her sensitive ears could hear. She had a mission!”
― Austin Stack, Kat Doggers: Superspy: Book 1 of the Kat Doggers Series

“How dare you! Cats aren’t selfish, only so self-aware we have little use for the pettiness of these human creatures. We’ve got used to being undervalued and underestimated.”
― Bronze Gayle, Teleria

“I eventually came to realise that I was a part of his little family, and by his gracious consent was allowed to remain in his apartment. Cats. Go figure.”
― Jim Butcher, Jim Butcher's Dresden Files: Fool Moon #1

“This book has been so much fun to write, I have loved getting to know my animal characters even better!

This is a festival not to be missed its brimming with lots of doggy and cat fun

My favourite game is the grooviest shaker competition what will yours be?”
― christine skippins

“When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends."
So says Billy Crystal in when Harry Met Sally.”
― Genki Kawamura, If Cats Disappeared from the World

“The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.”
― happyhungrypets

“If you ask who the best employee for intelligence agencies is, I would say it is a cat: Quiet, observant, agile and cold-blooded!”
― Mehmet Murat ildan

“You can have nice things. Or you can have cats.”
― Kate Tompkins

“Pet Haunts by Stewart Stafford

Ghosts pinned my cat to the wall,
So I reached out to pick him up,
In the strangest flip to our world,
They then turned him into a pup!

Spectres floated my pet downstairs,
Confused as he hovered on a step,
Species-fluid doppelgänger mirage,
Without moans or chains to schlepp.

Dare we dig into this canine tale,
Let me lick myself clean and think,
Corporeal companions, some not,
We all link up as one past the brink.

© 2025, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“In one universe, the human race disappeared. It wasn’t an event of controversy among felinekind because most agreed, “Good riddance.”
― Annabelle Nash

“In one universe, the human race disappeared. It wasn’t an event of controversy among felinekind because most agreed, 'Good riddance.”
― Annabelle Nash, Catterton

“It’s unsettling when you read a story about anthropomorphic animals, and the animals can’t decide whether or not they wear clothing. (Note that Catterton cats aren’t anthropomorphic; they’re simply cats themselves.) You sit there asking yourself, “For heaven’s sake, do these animals have a sense of modesty? If some are clothed, are the others considered naked?”
― Annabelle Nash, Catterton