Comedy Absurd Quotes

“Frederica tells the park-keepers that Lufra is a purebred "Barcelona collie".
Alverstoke catches on and says "No, Frederica! I TOLD you--it is a HOUND, from Baluchistan!"
She: "Oh, you might have mentioned it was from ASIA! Very remote; the dog had to be smuggled out because the natives were hostile.”
― Georgette Heyer

“This meeting of the Amphibious Skull Worshippers will come to order," I said out loud, and started giggling because the world was completely batshit and there were holes in the universe and people who went around stealing albino raccoons.”
― T. Kingfisher, The Hollow Places

“Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth”
― Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single

“I despise Wednesdays! They are the Marquis de Sade of the work week. Wednesday are so awful that...wait..what? It's Thurs? (face-palm)”
― L.G.A. McIntyre

“When I was a kid watching comedians on TV and listening to their records they were the only ones that could make it all seem okay. They seemed to cut through the bullshit and disarm fears and horror by being clever and funny. I don't think I could have survived my childhood without watching stand-up comics. When I started doing comedy I didn't understand show business. I just wanted to be a comedian. Now, after twenty-five years of doing stand-up and the last two years of having long conversations with over two hundred comics I can honestly say they are some of the most thoughtful, philosophical, open-minded, sensitive, insightful, talented, self-centred, neurotic, compulsive, angry, fucked-up, sweet, creative people in the world.”
― Marc Maron

“And why not—whatever despair we may feel concerning resurrection and reassemblage—find comic relief in the human determination to assert wholeness in the face of inevitable decay and fragmentation?”
― Caroline Walker Bynum, Fragmentation and Redemption: Essays on Gender and the Human Body in Medieval Religion

“Fortunately, most of our vital physiological functions are involuntary, as some amongst us would forget them.”
― Stewart Stafford

“God’s grace is infinite, my son.”
“Thank you! What a positive way to start the day,” I said as I clapped my hands together and stood up.”
― Lucian Vicovan, Another fall from grace

“Masked by a pair of pink cotton panties, the man looks like some sort of deranged bank robber.”
― Dave Lundy, Squish the Fish: A Tale of Dating and Debauchery

“... she reflects for a moment and then mutters to herself, 'Maybe that shithead’s right? Maybe God does hate Buffalo?”
― Dave Lundy, Squish the Fish: A Tale of Dating and Debauchery

“How's my hair? Is there trouble in the west wing? (Refers to large curls.) These are actually my lungs. My Aquanet lungs. They kick in on the high notes.”
― John Cameron Mitchell, Hedwig and the Angry Inch

“Stop cribbing! Go, get a life. But then, perhaps you hate life. In that case, get a wife.”
― Fakeer Ishavardas

“A psychic told me I could be a medium. I told her that was impossible as I'm an extra large!”
― Stewart Stafford

“Hitler was a very persistent man and never gave up on anything except for games of tiddlywinks! If the Allies had known this, they could have scrapped the land, air and sea wars, turned World War II into the Tiddlywink Olympics, and ended the whole thing in six minutes instead of six years.”
― Stewart Stafford

“I don't want to speak...”
― enlatia, Pandemiconium: Viral Conspiracy

“The tram almost ran me over when I tried to cross the street. The exhilaration made me remember the vials of Jägermesiter I had bought exactly for a moment like this.”
― Lucian Vicovan, Another fall from grace

“But as I said, one day only has so many hours and I cannot do it all at once. Besides, the alcohol was already bought and paid for. It would be a sin to let it go to waste.”
― Lucian Vicovan, Another fall from grace

“I thought I was on the track for something good. And you know, the day has only so many hours. One can’t fit everything they want to do in one day.”
― Lucian Vicovan, Another dance in the flames

“It's not hope until you put your 'p' in a 'hoe'.”
― Nagito Komaeda

“I've already made peace with the fact that I'm a lowly, stupid, insignificant human being who can't do anything right.”
― Nagito Komaeda

“I fondly remember my very first menage a trois. The other two didn't show up but I had a great time.”
― Steve Young, Great Failures of the Extremely Successful