Funny And Random Humor Quotes

“I think you need to give me a pet name—a term of endearment."

His face was its typical impassive mask, but I could tell that I’d surprised him.

Finally, he said, “Like…babe?”

“No—that feels awkward and wrong and has undertones of pedophilia. I’m thinking of something more age appropriate, yet affectionate.”
― Penny Reid, Neanderthal Marries Human

“Oh God

God isn't in this crawlspace with us but I'm about to make you pray for his forgiveness

Tears burn my eyes but I'm determined not to cry. I've never felt so sullied, never felt so stuffed

You're taking this femur so well

Oh fuck off”
― Gigi Styx, I Will Break You

“Thanks to Marcel Duchamp, men get to appropriate modern art with decorative urine every time they pee.”
― Nolan Yuma

“I just tried my powers and they didn't do shit for getting us out of here." Falcyn
"Mine either, and I was hoping to keep you distracted so that you wouldn't beat my ass over this situation." Blaise
What about you, Princess Pea? You got anything?" Falcyn
"Besides a throbbing migraine? No. My teleportation isn't cooperating either." Urian
"Really? If mine was working do you think I'd be here, listening to the lot of you? Promise, I'd have vanished long ago" Medea”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dragonsworn

“What could you do in your past life
to come back as a weevil in beans?
Just curious.”
― Sahndra Fon Dufe

“To my mirrors,
The aliens and the CIA
secretly watching me,
and any spirits stuck in my room,
sorry guys.
I know look batshit crazy
each time I start reciting a bunch of monologues in my dramatic "film voice" after I finish watching a movie.”
― Sahndra Fon Dufe

“One of my nipples is noticeably larger than the other two.”
― Tom J. Bross, Don't Call Me Jupiter: Memoir of a Reluctant Hippie Kid

“The trial became, predictably, complex; the computer-run court had nothing in its circuits to allow for the trial of five newborn infants for assault and battery, interference with officials in the performance of their duties, foul and opprobrious language, or several other things, singly or all in a lump.”
― Laurence M. Janifer , S.J. Treibich

“Kinyani is Ivan's lady friend. Girlfriend? I've never been sure what they call it in gorilla.”
― Katherine Applegate, The One and Only Bob