Non Sequitur Quotes

“Nice dress,” Victoria said.
“Thank you,” Perpetua said. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
Victoria blinked. “Uh, what?”
― Benjamin R. Smith, Atlas

“I love you,' she said. She nestled closer, her hand moving up the back of his neck. The wind lifted. 'Don't kill me,' he said. 'I'm not going to,' she said.”
― Max Barry, Lexicon

“The glass-blower's cat is bompstable,” said Mr. Parker aloud and distinctly.”
― Dorothy L. Sayers

“You just finished a job, as you refer to it. You must be tired and I can only imagine the enervating quality of an added threat of the state pen."

"California's state pen is Fisher," Cat said. "It can write upside down, but I think a pencil works better for that.”
― Nina Post, The Zaanics Deceit

“I did not have sex with a mongoose.”
― R.L. Naquin, Unamused Muse

“People who have practiced occult religions for many years are being told that they don't know the first thing about their own religion and its beliefs and practices - and that a bunch of zealots from another religion posing as 'experts' (in a religion they despise/ fear/ oppose and who peddle slander and misinformation about occult religions), are more credible than they are.

Non Seqitur. This does not follow.”
― Christina Engela

“Sometimes the best pizza is sushi. That’s where I go to get my haircut. Discounts available for fish with fur.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

“An interesting book about possums. Animals have so much wisdom," Dr. Tuttle paused. "I hope you're not a vegetarian," she said, lowering her glasses.

"I'm not."

"That's a relief.”
― Ottessa Moshfegh, My Year of Rest and Relaxation

“There are alternatives to medication, though they tend to have more disruptive side effects."

"Like what?"

"Have you ever been in love?"

"In what sense?"

"We'll cross that road when we come to it.”
― Ottessa Moshfegh, My Year of Rest and Relaxation

“The fact is that, unless we’re with friends or family, we’re all like talking dolls, endlessly repeating the same trite and tiresome lines: “Hello, how are you?” “Hot enough out there?” “Don’t work too “hard!”
I’m often misunderstood at my supermarket in Sussex, not because of my accent but because I tend to deviate from the script.
 
Cashier: Hello, how are you this evening?
Me: Has your house ever been burgled?
Cashier: What?
Me: Your house—has anyone ever broken into it and stolen things”
― David Sedaris

“Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Next door to the Bensons is Emmet Frag, a retired pacemaker who is credited with inventing the notion of happiness. He’s currently working on a method for categorising ducks based on their singing voice. He’s also the owner of the world’s largest collection of tenor geese.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where miniature helicopters and packets of crisps undertake sorties to 1940’s Dresden where they have made several dozen unsuccessful attempts to rescue the Quaker Oats man, who is being held captive by the SS on the basis that his hair looks like ice cream.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Psychiatry has come a long way, into the spiritual realm. Into energies. There are deniers, certainly, but they all work for big oil. Now tell me about your most recent dreams.”
― Ottessa Moshfegh, My Year of Rest and Relaxation

“The great thing about ten-year-olds is they don't balk at non sequiturs.”
― Rebecca Makkai, The Borrower

“Was…was that a cow?”
― Brandon Sanderson, Cytonic

“St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful XR3i.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.”
― St. John Morris

“Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of them Muller’s rices and I told her. That’s for shagging Kevin Cooper you stupid fucking cunt.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s day.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had been pipped at the post by Rusty Lee. Carlisle had caused some consternation after, upset at losing and forfeiting the chance to compete for the first prize of a quarter of midget gems, she had spat port in Lee’s handbag. Carlisle had been asked to leave and, after a brief tussle, had been ejected from the building whilst screaming and spitting in Simon Parkin’s face.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from office having been caught administering counterfeit buttercup syrup to the local yeomanry whilst on a hunting trip to Stoke-Poges.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.”
― St. John Morris

“Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two feet, compared to Dave’s three.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.”
― St. John Morris

“Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.”
― St. John Morris

“Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after he went round to complain about Luther Blisset’s pet turkey fouling the communal herb garden.”
― St. John Morris

“A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year’s Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.”
― St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris