Sci Fi Humour Comedy Quotes

“Mars is not Earth. It doesn't have a thick atmosphere to bend light and carry particles that reflect light around corners. It's damn near a vacuum here. Once the sun isn't visible, I'm in the dark. Phobos gives me some moonlight, but not enough to work with. Deimos is a little piece of crap that's no good to anyone.”
― Andy Weir, The Martian

“My mum always said there’s a lot of presence in a doorway,” he added, staring into one of the eyes.
A chill of air trickled down her spine, she could feel the eyes upon her, drawing her in, asking questions and tormenting her very being. “Really? How so?” asked Maggie, with interest.
Brick turned his head and presented a puzzled expression. “Well, cause that’s where people come in”
― Paul Baxter, The Life (but not the times) Of Barry Finkle

“I didn't wait for Luck. I tore after it with a truck.”
― A.A. Bell, Diamond Eyes

“Yeah, but will it hurt?”’ I asked.
“This is science, Zach,” Randy said, reassuringly, as he tilted my head back and lowered the lens to my eye. “Of course it will hurt.”
― John Zakour, The Plutonium Blonde

“No thanks,” I answered, “I never take rides from strangers, thugs who've tried to kill me or people with poor personal hygiene. Congratulations, by the way, for being the first person to qualify in all three categories.”
― John Zakour, The Plutonium Blonde

“ ‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence."
"Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’ ”
― John Zakour, The Plutonium Blonde

“I smiled, reached into my pockets and pulled out a pair of ultrapowerful earplugs, the kind that are standard issue for skyway construction workers, artillery soldiers, and roadies for the thirty-five most popular teen boy bands.”
― John Zakour, The Plutonium Blonde

“I focused the power from my armor into my leg and kicked the door in. The metal and plastic fibers splintered and the hinges ripped free from the wall.
“By the way, boss,” HARV said. “I believe that the door was unlocked.”
― John Zakour, The Plutonium Blonde

“You bastard, stop that whistling and fight me like a man!”
― John Zakour, The Plutonium Blonde

“Great Gates almighty,” HARV said inside my brain. “I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.”
― John Zakour, The Plutonium Blonde

“As a matter of fact, Ona spent more credits on the window shades alone than you will make in your entire lifetime and that’s if you live to be 185.”
“And that’s meant to make me feel better?” I said.
“No, that is meant to inform you. I am your computer not your nanny.”
― John Zakour, The Doomsday Brunette

“Carol, I thought you didn't liked playing with the minds of normal people.”
“Yes, but the press don't count as normal.”
“She’s got you there,” HARV added.”
― John Zakour, The Doomsday Brunette

“I can tell you that she's not breathing,” he said. “She has no heartbeat and all organ function and brain activity have stopped. Also her body temperature is now at seventy-three degrees.”
“So you’re saying that she’s dead,” I said.
“Well, I can't prove it, but, yes, I am leaning that way.”
― John Zakour, The Doomsday Brunette

“W turned on his heel and began walking toward the door at the far wall. And by walking I mean, of course, not moving at all, at least not to the naked eye, because his strides could only be measured in micrometers. His creaky legs made barely the tiniest of forward steps, so he’d taken four strides before I noticed any lateral movement at all.
“I'll be right back.”
“Geologically speaking, of course,” HARV said.”
― John Zakour, The Doomsday Brunette

“Forget it,” I said. “Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he’d still be preferable to listening to the two of you.”
― John Zakour, The Doomsday Brunette

“How bad is it?”
“The story is only just now being reported, but let's put it this way,” HARV said. “The bag is now clearly catless, and there’s a very foul odor coming from the fan.”
― John Zakour, The Doomsday Brunette

“Don't worry, boss,” HARV said. “I get the feeling that this is only the tip of the iceberg of complications.”
“HARV, you’re a machine. You don’t get feelings.”
“Would it make you feel better if I said I've done a numerical analysis on the probabilities and the results are skewed toward you having more problems with this case?”
― John Zakour, The Doomsday Brunette

“I told you it was easy,” HARV said.
“True, but you say that about everything.”
“That's because everything is easy for me.”
“Everything but humility.”
“No, that's easy, too. I just choose not to practice it.”
― John Zakour, The Doomsday Brunette

“The pigeon had been unlucky. Ten birds had been on their way back to their Ilkley coop, flying in stolid, heavy formation; nine had returned home. The tenth, flying low over the moor at the base of this avian wedge, had plummeted soundlessly to the soil, its senses overwhelmed by the tendrils of consciousness which had enwrapped them.

When the pigeon awoke, moments later, all of the rudimentary universal constructs which defined pigeonness in its brain had been carefully swept away, save one. The entity didn't need birdseed; it didn't need a pigeon coup in Ilkley; but it needed to fly.

And it needed as much of the pigeon's cerebral activity as possible to focus on getting it to its desired location, which meant that for the first time in its life, this pigeon was reading roadsigns.

It was also experiencing emotions for which it was somewhat unprepared, most notably an insistent, imperative yearning for Leeds United.”
― Windsor Holden, Elvis Lives on Planet Football

“Si les peuples de la Terre n'étaient pas préparés à la venue des Martiens, c'était entièrement leur faute.”
― Frederic Brown

“We've had our chance—no, we've had countless chances to prove we can do civilization right, and we always blow it. I don't know. Maybe it's time we let another form of intelligence take a stab at it.”
― J.M. Lanham, AI: Artificial Incompetence

“RRWWWAAARRGGHHH!”
― Chewbacca