Debrac2014

“But you're stuck filming crap now." Hal snorted. "Chased by monsters? Better be damn good
at running."
"And exactly how do you get hurt filming a landscaping show?" Taggart retorted.
"If it can't kill us, we don't film it," Jane said, to stop the fighting before it could start. "There's
a lot of dangerous flora and fauna in Pittsburgh and it doesn't stay beyond the Rim. It comes into
people's backyards and sets up shop. We teach our viewers how to deal with it, but it means we
have to actually get close enough to get hurt."
"Deal with, as in kill?" Nigel seemed flabbergasted.
"This isn't Earth. These aren't endangered species. This morning we were dealing with a very
large strangler vine in a neighborhood with lots of children. There's no way to 'move' it to
someplace where it isn’t a danger, especially while it's actively trying to kill anything that
stumbles into its path. Pets. Children. Automated lawnmowers."
"That one is always amusing to watch but it always ends badly for the lawnmower," Hal said.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“Jane snorted out in disgust. "Okay, the good news is spotting the saurus just got a hell of a lot
easier. Plus we've got a ton of free bait."
"The bad news?" Taggart asked.
"Smart boy. Cookie for knowing that there's bad news." Jane eased her SUV across the worn
divided line to drive along the berm. "Bad news, Pittsburgh beef cows are the meanest son-of-abitches."
"So, we have to dodge several tons of pissed off sirloin while filming one hungry dinosaur?"
"Welcome to Pittsburgh.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“Taggart finally broke the pattern. "Can you at least explain why?"
Jane growled. God, she hated being outnumbered. This was like riding herd on her little
brothers, only worse because "I'll beat you if you do" wasn't an acceptable answer. "First rule of
shooting a show on Elfhome." She grabbed Hal and made him face each of the two newbies so
there was no way they could miss the mask of dark purple bruises across Hal's face. "Avoid
getting 'The Face' damaged. Viewers don't like raccoon boys. Hal is out of production until the
bruising can be covered with makeup. We've got fifty days and a grocery list of face-chewing
monsters to film. We have to think about damage control."
"Second rule!" She let Hal go and held up two fingers. "Get as much footage as possible of the
monster before you kill it. People don't like looking at dead monsters if you don't give them lots
of time seeing it alive. Right now we have got something dark moving at night in water. No one
has ever seen this before, so we can't use stock footage to pad. We blow the whistle and it will
come out of the water and try to rip your face off – violating rule one – and then we'll have to kill
it and thus break rule two."
"Sounds reasonable," Taggart said.
"Would we really have to kill it?" Nigel's tone suggested he equated it to torturing kittens.
"If it's trying its damnest to eat you? Yes!" Jane cried.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“It was like having two children in the car with her. Okay, one child and a young adult that
kept backsliding. Hal, of course, was attempting to prove he was really only eight years old.
Taggart could resist the taunting part of the time. Nigel was the senile grandmother who never
noticed that the children were fighting. He sat in the backseat, smiling serenely at the passing
landscape. What made things worse was that Taggart called shotgun so he could film through the
front window. That made it so she couldn't reach Hal to swat him into silence. She found herself
tempted to hit Taggart just because he was beside her. And because he'd changed into a dark blue
silk shirt and cologne that smelled so good she just wanted to roll in it.
"I can kill us all," Jane growled, gripping the wheel tightly, and resisted the urge to drive the
production truck into the ditch to prove her point.
Somehow they reached downtown without her killing anyone.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden