xy | silas

“If you're a boy who plays with dollhouses, you're already dead!”
― Derek McCormack, Castle Faggot

“I wrote a pep talk recently to myself on a bar napkin: no matter which road you take, it will be both glorious and unbearable. Every road is lonely. Every road, holy. The only error is not walking forth.

Yesterday, a friend in California, when giving me directions, told me I could take the trail toward the tall pines or turn left and find a field of poppies, growing gold and savage at the edge of the valley.

When I asked which to choose, she simply shrugged and said: either way, it’s all heaven.”
― Joy Sullivan, Instructions for Traveling West: Poems

“Actually," she says, releasing his hand, "you do. I think you want to be you more than anything. You want to be the person you could have been without all the bullshit, yes?" He's frowning but he's receptive. "That's what I wanted, too. And that's what I eventually became. But it takes time, and it takes work - even the 'drag them into girlhood kicking and screaming' method requires something of you eventually - and more than anything else it takes understanding yourself. Picking out the parts of yourself that are real and not just more of the bullshit. Think of this as another shot at adolescence. It actually is, in many ways, since the basement can be a lot like a very small residential school and your body really is going through a whole lot of changes. Your first adolescence wasn't quick, was it? And was it easy? No. You're growing up all over again, as someone kinda new and kinda not, and you can't rush these things.”
― Alyson Greaves

“What do I do with all this pain? Where do I place it? If I cannot give it to God, then who do I give it to? If I don’t get it out of me, then it will kill me.” ‘But I want to die, don’t I?’
Samyaza took his cheeks, held them. “You don’t want to die.”
“I do.”
“No, you don’t.” Samyaza’s thumb dragged along to catch one of Azazel’s tears. “You want this pain in you to die.”
“I’m all pain now.”
― Rafael Nicolás, Angels & Man