MiniMario

“Your friends’ parents drive like assholes. Tell them it’s an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan.”
― Justin Halpern

“About an hour and a half later, he poked his head out the back door. I was sitting in the grass in our backyard. “You can come on in if you want,” he said. “Also, wash your hands before you touch stuff. That conference hall floor smelled like dog shit and you were crawling around like a little monkey on it.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Oblivious to what was going on outside her bedroom, my mom called 911. “Sam! The police are on the way! Put your gun down and your clothes on!” she hollered from the other side of the house. “Fuck that, I ain’t doing either! This is my house, goddamn it! I gotta defend MY house!” he yelled back.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“In possibly one of the cutest facts you will ever read, sea otters hold each other’s paws whilst they are asleep so they don’t drift apart from each other.”
― Jack Goldstein, 101 Amazing Facts