Status Updates From Nick the Lolt (Tales from Y...

Book is not at all what I enjoy reading. I cannot finish it!

Brace yourselves.

"...his eyes narrowed and a small wave of veins sprouted through his muscles."

Uncle.

"His brow was cringed"

Me too.

"… stood like a wooden statute …"

55% "her open and flowing hair"

*skimskimskim*

"Soon Nick saw loads of people"

*SIGH*

Oh, now there's dialogue tag abuse: "'Out of the question,' Nick swallowed." Ouch. Also? He's talking to himself. Does that a lot.

"A loud clacking sound made Nick jump so bad" - BADLY.

"'This, was definitely,' he panted."

I have, a headache. Gah.

"Visibility instantly fell shorter"

"solider" for "soldier"

"Whatever Gayle, I'm going"

*sigh*

"I think pity jurors can't wager"

Of a cat in a drawing: "In mid-step its powerful, arched back was to the viewer" – and shortly the cat's eyes are described.

And then it goes on to describe how the artist draws light with his pencil. Um. Not the way you're describing, no.

"She remained blind and anxious by all the sounds"

"A group of people sat leisurely in a lawn"
- What??

"Curiosity shot out like a frog's sticky tongue and smacked Nick in the face."

Did I mention the really eccentric similes?

There are so many examples of near misses with the language – it's as though this was translated from another language, somewhat uncertainly.

And comma abuse AND neglect – commas left out, unnecessary commas sprinkled throughout like raisins in a cookie (I don't like raisins in cookies):

Bright, red
Sizzling, red
Small, black bags
Enormous, engraved doors
Shimmering, blue spider-silk
Single, long braid

"to settle down and hammer out page after page"
- But…the character is writing. By hand. Not typing. That doesn't make sense.

"I do feel a sense of channeling"
- Aes Sedai?

"her lips drawn into the subtlest of grins"
A grin is, by its nature, unsubtle.

"Well there's nothing I want more than anything in the forest than to go with you"
- Comma abuse neglect, and…what?

"One boy had succumbed to all out screaming in rounds like he was being flailed."

For starters, can one person do something "in rounds"? It's not like he's singing "Row Your Boat" with a group or something ...

Awkward x 4:
"[Nick] felt like he was leaned over a campfire"

"All that would be far above the normal if it were true"

"Nick's slim muscles"

"Intense concentration took Nick's face"

Awkward: "The back side of Nick's house was engulfed between two trees"

Awkward: "The back side of Nick's house was engulfed between two trees"

Gold is "a round piece of glittering stone"?

"His wife's eyes … shining like a pair of dull pearls…"

But ... she doesn't appear to be blind ... ?

Awkward: "…Hear a soft pitter-patter of droplets sprinkling the grass. But it won't rain. A thousand eager teeth hidden around you drip saliva, eager to be plunged into neck or thigh…"

"If you elect this route … "
- Is it running for office?

"Her thin eyes closed"

I actually said that aloud. Thin eyes. I may not make it past ten percent - if I even make it that far. On the plus side, the main story is written in complete sentences; on the negative, the style makes no sense in light of that introduction.

Also, "Ya". If you're gonna say "kid", just say "yeah". Please.

Okay, it's pushing one of my Big Bad buttons: "kids"?? Technically, depending, it might be fine (extended meaning of "child" first recorded as slang 1599, established in informal usage by 1840s), but it sounds much too modern. And annoying.

Well, that (an introduction in the form of a letter) was obnoxious. But maybe the character writing the letter was supposed to be obnoxious. And obsequious. Hopefully the style will change - sentence fragments are not going to cut it for 300+ pages.

Why is there a hyphen in "two-hundred" and "two-thousand"?

Original fun idea, but feeling confused and a little lost by so many characters and the crazy descriptions of the landscape.